P. Tofu: Hello Girlfriend!
Guido: girlfriend? uh, no
Guido: I've put up with a lot of bullshit from you, but I draw the line at that
P. Tofu: okay, goodbye
Guido: wow, you run hot and cold, don't you?
P. Tofu: what the hell do you mean
Guido: nothing at all
P. Tofu: I just fucking woke up
Guido: nice language there, princess
P. Tofu: If i offended you I am sorry
Guido: Really? Somehow I doubt that you care that much
P. Tofu: You know what, I am not sure what I did to make you mad, but I am sorry
Guido: anyways...what's new?
P. Tofu: nothing much.
P. Tofu: my neighbors are freaks.
Guido: whose aren't, frankly?
P. Tofu: They were having an argument last night, and the only screamed phrase i could make out was"get out of here I am not going to take my clothes off in front of you!"
Guido: Wow. If I've had that arugment once, I've had it a million times
P. Tofu: Not your mother screaming it at you!
Guido: well...
P. Tofu: shut up
Guido: I'm itching to do some spring cleaning
P. Tofu: I'm just itching
Guido: I'm not. Not since my water heater was installed and I could finally shower
P. Tofu: ah, blissfull warm water cascading all over with your oversize shower head.
Guido: yeah, but now the pressure seems off
P. Tofu: Great. Is it coing out as a trickle
Guido: not quite that bad, but lower than it was before
Guido: did I tell you how much the whole enchilada cost me?
P. Tofu: 75 dollars I believe
Guido: Whoo hoo!
P. Tofu: well at least one thing is cheap
Guido: besides you?
P. Tofu: What other crap can you break that's covered
Guido: dryer, garage door opener
P. Tofu: Have at it!
Guido: stove, refrigerator
Guido: and not just mine, but all the appliances
P. Tofu: I smell a fire coming
Guido: barnfire?
P. Tofu: yes in fact bitch
Guido: man, I'd love to see that
P. Tofu: me too
P. Tofu: maybe we could start one
Guido: i'd like you to see it from the inside
P. Tofu: wow! cranky bitch
Guido: I'm just high spirited
P. Tofu: keep telling yourself that. Everybody else thinks you are crabby
Guido: Like I care about everybody else
P. Tofu: right now all the voices in my head say that
Guido: good for them
Guido: I want to leave
P. Tofu: work, or the country?
Guido: both, actually, but work right now
P. Tofu: god now what's the problem
Guido: I'm on call and for the past two nights and have been woken up at 2am
Guido: I'd like to get some sleep
P. Tofu: You should have been a doctor. At least when they call you at 2 am it's interesting
Guido: I should have played professional hockey
P. Tofu: really!?!
Guido: why not? you get to hit guys with sticks
P. Tofu: I'm with you there, but it also includes ice dancing
Guido: uh, I don't think hockey players dance
Guido: hey, you're not doing anything. run to 749 North 37th Street and get me some blank leases. thanks
P. Tofu: what's there
Guido: Wisconsin Legal Blanks
P. Tofu: 37th and north? ah,no.
Guido: it's actually 37th and Wisconsin, dumbass
P. Tofu: okay that's different
Guido: great, get me a short stack of them
P. Tofu: but I'm still not going
Guido: whore!
P. Tofu: I take offense to that term
Guido: hits too close to home?
P. Tofu: fuck you
Guido: exactly what a whore would say
P. Tofu: No more like fuck you for 5 dollah
Guido: you're a whore from the south?
P. Tofu: Yes. I am a genteel lady of compromised virtue
Guido: actually, if you think about it, 'whore from the south' is kind of redundant
P. Tofu: yes it is. Now virgin from the south would be an oxymoron.
Guido: a hypothetical impossibility
P. Tofu: true enough
Guido: what's on your agenda for the rest of the day?
P. Tofu: It's friday night, Grandma night
Guido: I get to go home and sit there in case the pager goes off
Guido: I'm going to do some cleaning
Guido: I have to get cat food on the way home so I'm not killed and eaten while I sleep
P. Tofu: well, try and pick something that won't kill them
Guido: why?
P. Tofu: i don't know
Guido: maybe I have Munchausen's by Kitty Proxy
P. Tofu: Oh, i smell research grants
Guido: so far, the stuff I feed them hasn't show up on any lists
P. Tofu: I can already see my paper published in the lancet
Guido: and they don't seem to be suffering any ill effects
Guido: it might get published in the Weekly World News if you call it "Attack of the Vampire Cats" and get an artist to do a sketch of what it might look like
P. Tofu: god i would love to write for them. It has to be the best job in the world
P. Tofu: "bacon grease cancer cure"
P. Tofu: "Congress all pod people"
P. Tofu: "is your cat psychic?"
Guido: those are all true stories
P. Tofu: The only one i haven't seen in the wwn is the first one.
Guido: submit it
P. Tofu: Wow, and I won't even have to check my facts. I'll pick some out of the way country like, say....Estonia, and just go from there.
Guido: Poor Estonia, always the one picked on
P. Tofu: It is a great science powerhouse that is unrecognized
Guido: just like Tom Cruise
P. Tofu: Maybe I could use him as the source for my article
P. Tofu: from his mouth to god's ear
Guido: or a source of nutty goodness
P. Tofu: like jif
Guido: Mmmmm, creamy, peanutty Jif
P. Tofu: Yes indeedy do
Guido: I prefer Skippy Natural
P. Tofu: Yuck
Guido: It's good
P. Tofu: and runny
Guido: No it's not
Guido: you've never even had it
P. Tofu: it's like pre-chewing the peanuts and spitting it on the bread
Guido: LIAR
Guido: brb
Guido: Mmmm, cold water
P. Tofu: it took that long to get water?
Guido: No, I peed first
Guido: then I washed my hands
Guido: then I got some ice water
P. Tofu: in the water?
Guido: ho, ho, you are funny.
Guido: except not
P. Tofu: I'm not the one that had the urine collection tray candy dish
Guido: HEY! it's NOT just a urine collection bucket. It's also used for stool collection
P. Tofu: i stand corrected
Guido: Maybe I'll make you watch "Happy Feet"
P. Tofu: The world's most depressing disney movie with snappy tunes
P. Tofu: It's "Schindler's list " for kids with music
Guido: I will not ever be watching it
P. Tofu: I thought you already owned it
Guido: I bought it, yes
Guido: but it's your birthday present
P. Tofu: shut up
Guido: don't tempt me
Guido: You're the one who owns that retarded Pat Boone/Erik Estrada movie
P. Tofu: Yeah, but you bought it
Guido: Oh, so it's all my fault now?
P. Tofu: yes
Guido: wonderful
Guido: now I know how the Jews feel
P. Tofu: oh god, now it's the jews again.
Guido: at least I'm not the one alone in my apartment putting a scrapbook together to document the Zionist conspiracy
P. Tofu: don't have to, someone has already done it
Guido: That wouldn't happen to be Mel Gibson's dad, would it?
P. Tofu: no, but good answer
Guido: Or is it someone with the title of Pontiff?
P. Tofu: no
Guido: I give up
P. Tofu: According to the radio show i listen to it's called "the protocol of the elders of zion" It's supposed to be filled with zionist plans to take over the world
Guido: and why are you listening to that radio show?
P. Tofu: No, It was coast to coast and they were talking to a guy who was a debunker of documents. Someone made that up and used it against the jews, and it keeps showing up now and again
Guido: ahh
Guido: maybe it's a conspiracy to keep the truth from getting out
P. Tofu: I'll bet Hutton gibson has a copy
Guido: in every room in the house
Guido: and one in each car (just in case)
P. Tofu: i bet he gives it out as birthday and christmas presents
Guido: wouldn't you?
P. Tofu: hell yeah!
Guido: I'm getting hungry
P. Tofu: so eat something
Guido: I'll wait until I leave
P. Tofu: then don't bitch about being hungry
Guido: fuck and you
P. Tofu: wow pretty language. so flowery
Guido: Did you know that the song "Safety Dance" was actually "Safe to Dance" but the lead singer couldn't enunciate the words correctly so they changed it to Safey Dance?
Guido: which is why it makes no sense
P. Tofu: what a goober. Where did you hear that?
Guido: the radio
P. Tofu: no shit
Guido: yep
Guido: I'm going to listen to it right now
Guido: that's right, I can dance if I want to. And I will leave my friends behind
P. Tofu: sing it baby, sing it!
Guido: this song kind of blows, but in a cool way
P. Tofu: cool way?
Guido: I don't know. whatever
P. Tofu: don't you whatever me
Guido: I'll do whatever I damn well please
P. Tofu: whatever
Guido: I'm blowing this hot dog stand at 3
P. Tofu: is that okay
Guido: from which perspective?
P. Tofu: theirs i guess
Guido: seeing as how I have been up two nights in a row to fix work problems, what can they say?
P. Tofu: you're right. Tell them all to fuck off
Guido: I'm jamming to the remix of One NIght in Bangkok
P. Tofu: i'm sorry
Guido: don't be sorry, just shake your groove thing
Guido: sorry, groove thang
P. Tofu: i'm doing it right now
Guido: whoo! Posh Spice
P. Tofu: what?
Guido: In my ears. singing
P. Tofu: okay
P. Tofu: is it all the spice girls
Guido: nope
Guido: just Victoria
Guido: from her solo album
P. Tofu: she had one?
Guido: maybe. I don't really know
P. Tofu: I think of her as tom cruise's future wife
Guido: i don't really waste much time thinking about either of them
P. Tofu: me neither
Guido: I don't see an album, maybe it was just a single
P. Tofu: god willing
Guido: I doubt any god cares, really
Guido: or demi-god, for that matter
P. Tofu: not even l ron hubbard
Guido: did I ever play you Gay Boyfriend?
P. Tofu: i don't think so
Guido: your loss
P. Tofu: iguess
Guido: I know!
P. Tofu: it's 2:59. shouldn't you be grabbing your shit and sprinting out the door
Guido: nah. I'm comfy listening to music and chatting
Guido: getting some reporting done for time tracking
P. Tofu: i thought you were leaving at 3
Guido: Yeah, I'll go at some point
Guido: just want to make sure nothing blows up when I do
P. Tofu: no matter what you do, it will anyway.
Guido: so the giant head says
P. Tofu: you work for the giant head?
Guido: I was referring to you
P. Tofu: asshole
Guido: how rude
P. Tofu: thank you
Guido: donate something for the Arab Fest kick off party silent auction
P. Tofu: what the hell could i donate?
Guido: your 'services'
P. Tofu: Ooooh, interesting
Guido: see? it just takes some imagination
P. Tofu: I guess you are right mr rogers
Guido: I should strangle you with my cardigan
P. Tofu: stop it or i will beat you with your tennies
Guido: I'll stick Lady Elaine up your ass
Guido: AND Prince Tuesday
P. Tofu: I counter with a chef brocket counter punch
Guido: who?
P. Tofu: God, you don't know the kings cook?
Guido: nope
P. Tofu: how sad
Guido: yeah, I'm weeping into my champagne cocktail over here
P. Tofu: He was always whipping up fancy vittles
Guido: I'll take your word on that
P. Tofu: whatever
Guido: Serious - no clue what you're talking about
P. Tofu: i guess i watched a lot more of mr rogers than I should of
Guido: I was proud that I pulled the Lady Elaine and Prince Tuesday out of the reccesses of my brain
Guido: Whoo! Paris Hilton
P. Tofu: lovely. which song
Guido: Screwed
P. Tofu: how appropriate
Guido: It's so fucking catchy
P. Tofu: I've actually never heard it
Guido: most of it makes you want to claw your eardrums out, but the chorus is great
P. Tofu: whats the chorus
Guido: it's not about the words, but the singing
P. Tofu: fine. i'll take your word for it
Guido: remind me on Saturday
Guido: I'll play it for ya
P. Tofu: okay.
P. Tofu: Imagine what that std riddled whore is going to be like when she
P. Tofu: is 40
Guido: she isn't yet?
P. Tofu: maybe it's the botox and chemical peels
Guido: or the whoring
P. Tofu: I bet the public has seen her privates more often then her doctor
Guido: gross. I haven't
P. Tofu: you must be the only one
P. Tofu: so you don't own a copyof "a night in paris"?
Guido: nope
P. Tofu: It's a great gift for the holidays
Guido: I'm sure it is
Guido: just like herpes
P. Tofu: it's the gift that keeps on giving
Guido: so I've heard
P. Tofu: from who?
Guido: must i make a joke about your mother now?
Guido: Hey, bad news for you, by the way...
Guido: The CDC says the major antibiotics used to treat gonorrhea are no longer effective
P. Tofu: damn
P. Tofu: guess i'll have to go back to kerosene
Guido: good luck with that
P. Tofu: hey kerosene used to be a cureall at the turn of the century
Guido: so was cocaine
Guido: and arsenic
P. Tofu: I rest my case
Guido: you rest your case? Ok, Perry Mason
P. Tofu: up yours
Guido: and on that note...
Guido: I'm going to blog this chat and hit the bricks
Guido: I need to stay ahead of Johnny Law
P. Tofu: fabulous. God Speed!
Guido: Thank you, my sister
P. Tofu: Amen my brother.
Guido: see you later!
P. Tofu: bye