Princess Tofu: Hey Muffin! What's cookin?
Vladimir Yakamura: The usual. Poison.
Princess Tofu: Working?
Vladimir Yakamura: Technically, yes. I AM at work.
Princess Tofu: Okay. Are you in a work environment enjoying the ability to stuff you are not supposed to?
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, it's a Holiday week. Most of our clients aren't fully staffed and no one is requesting any new stuff. Bascially, it's a bench-warming week. At least it's over with today and I have a four-day weekend.
Princess Tofu: I still have to go to work tonight, but, I don't expect anything too busy.
Vladimir Yakamura: Photocopy your butt
Princess Tofu: I'd have to jump onto a ladder to get there. They are almost 3/4 my height tall.
Vladimir Yakamura: I didn't ask for your life's story
Princess Tofu: I could do my boobs and make them look like christmas ornaments for my christmas cards.
Vladimir Yakamura: You totally stole that from the current issue of Martha Stewart Living. She did that for her cards this year.
Princess Tofu: Bitch! I was reading a story about a guy with a botched penis surgery. He sent his doctor a bomb in the mail, called 911, and told them it was there. The part I find ironic, is that the whole world now knows about it, (name and all), and so do all the guys at the prison he's going to. Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut.
Vladimir Yakamura: I was reading a story about a man named Jed.
Princess Tofu: Would he be a "poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed"?
Vladimir Yakamura: Uh, no. He was a retired bus driver who volunteers with Meals on Wheels. I think you're confusing TV and reality again.
Princess Tofu: Whatever Byatch!
Vladimir Yakamura: Oh, how witty. It's like chatting with Dorothy Parker. Or at least her retarded cousin.
Vladimir Yakamura: Where can I buy apartment-sized appliances?
Princess Tofu: No. More like dorothy parker. We both drank our breakfast.
Princess Tofu: Apartment size appliances? That's a good one. No clue!
Vladimir Yakamura: compactappliance.com
Princess Tofu: Shut up! There is actually a site for that? Do they ship in little boxes in the mail?
Vladimir Yakamura: No, it's super-advanced. You get a pill and just add water and the appliance just springs up, fully formed.
Princess Tofu: OOOOOOOOH! How Jetson's!
Vladimir Yakamura: I was just thinking that! Freaky.
Vladimir Yakamura: I think I'm going to replace TaDa's stove
Princess Tofu: Because it's a piece of shit from East Berlin?
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, it's getting old and useless, like you. And also like you, one of it's knobs doesn't work.
Princess Tofu: I've got an inexpensive alternative. George forman grill.
Vladimir Yakamura: That might just be crazy enough to work!
Princess Tofu: Or even better, a real grill.
Vladimir Yakamura: I should get a propane camping stove he can put on his counter. That's what most people have for stoves in his country.
Princess Tofu: How Sweet! A little touch of home.
Vladimir Yakamura: His refrigerator is also a piece 'o shit, but I think that can wait.
Princess Tofu: What's wrong with that thing?
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, last tenant busted off one of the rails that keeps your food in the door. And I don't think it's Energy Star rated.
Princess Tofu: Well when it gets cold enough, he can keep stuff in the hall.
Vladimir Yakamura: For the winter, possibly. But that plan has a big flaw in it called Summer.
Princess Tofu: I've thought of that. It's called toilet tank.
Vladimir Yakamura: I thought that was your high school nickname?
Princess Tofu: Fuck you!
Vladimir Yakamura: Hey! That was mine!
Princess Tofu: why am I not shocked by that!
Vladimir Yakamura: Um. Because you're an evil whore?
Princess Tofu: Correction. "THE" evil whore.
Vladimir Yakamura: Ok, Lilith. I need to find a financial manager/accountant
Princess Tofu: You keep telling me that. Why don't you ask nelson for a suggestion?
Vladimir Yakamura: He doesn't know any.
Vladimir Yakamura: None that speak English, anyways.
Princess Tofu: English is so overrated.
Vladimir Yakamura: I wish I understood it.
Princess Tofu: Me too! It is such a beatiful language full of subtle nuances.
Vladimir Yakamura: Hee, like homophones
Princess Tofu: Teeeheee. You said homo.
Vladimir Yakamura: I've said worse
Princess Tofu: I bet you have! Probably to me!
Vladimir Yakamura: Usually.
Princess Tofu: Whore!
Vladimir Yakamura: Speaking of saying horrible things to your face, you syphilitic toad, when are you coming over on Friday?
Princess Tofu: 5am just like after thanksgiving shopping. I am going to sit on your porch until you open the door, and them run through the house and grab things I don't need.
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, then just like Thanksgiving shopping, I will be overcharging you and playing loud Muzak while I do it.
Vladimir Yakamura: Would you like to apply for one of my charge accounts?
Princess Tofu: Certainly. As long as the interest is at least 45%.
Vladimir Yakamura: It is. And we offer very unreasonable terms.
Princess Tofu: It would also make it more realistic if you pushed in front of me everytime i was looking at something. And be sure to be pissed at me because I'm in your way.
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, that's a given
Princess Tofu: I've only done the after thanksgiving shopping twice. It's just fucking insane. The worst part was the old haggy women who felt they were much more important than everyone else. And the scary people that honked at you at 4:30 in the morning cause they wanted your space to park.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'd never do it.
Princess Tofu: With all the sales the stores have going on, why would you go on that day? You'll still get the price before christmas.
Vladimir Yakamura: I plan on staying far away from malls between now and Xmas.
Princess Tofu: My christmas shopping is a one day attack. I hate doing it so much, I should give everyone Mcdonald's Cards.
Vladimir Yakamura: That's a good idea
Princess Tofu: Or what i should do is.......Walk into a store and the first thing I see, buy multiple of it for everyone. Hopefully I don't come into the bra department.
Vladimir Yakamura: Discount Bras
Vladimir Yakamura: Seconds and Irregulars
Princess Tofu: Yeah! 3 cups.
Vladimir Yakamura: one in the back
Princess Tofu: Yup! not matter how you turn it, it fits.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm getting people awful gifts they'll despise
Princess Tofu: Fantastic! It's a lutefisk christmas for everyone. Nothing says I love you like fermented fish!
Vladimir Yakamura: Or pictures of my kitty! Made into a calendar. Or a coffee mug.
Princess Tofu: Or Magnets.Or maybe, stinky cheese of the month club.
Vladimir Yakamura: Maybe I'll buy everyone shares of stock in a horrible company that makes rat poison or a lab where they test cosmetics on animals.
Vladimir Yakamura: How about magnets made of stinky cheese? I smell a trip to the craft store!
Princess Tofu: Weeeeeeeeeee!
Vladimir Yakamura: A magnet, some stilton and a hot glue gun and it's Merry Christmas to all.
Princess Tofu: How about limberger?
Vladimir Yakamura: Head cheese
Princess Tofu: Head cheese isn't cheese, but, it would make nice suncatchers.
Vladimir Yakamura: What are you asking Santa for this year?
Princess Tofu: My youth back.
Vladimir Yakamura: Santa isn't a miracle worker
Princess Tofu: That's okay. My youth wasn't much to scream about.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm sure there was some screaming involved.
Vladimir Yakamura: Most of it from passers-by
Princess Tofu: Only when I sunbathe nude.
Vladimir Yakamura: AHHH, MY BRAIN...
Princess Tofu: Up yours!
Vladimir Yakamura: Up my brain? Ow.
Vladimir Yakamura: So, what are you really asking Santa for?
Princess Tofu: I don't know?
Vladimir Yakamura: Loser
Princess Tofu: What are you asking for?
Vladimir Yakamura: I told you. A real toaster that costs more than $10 or a stove top popcorn maker thing. You know, with the crank?
Princess Tofu: Do you have a preference for one over the other?
Vladimir Yakamura: Nah, cuz I'll just buy myself whatever I need during the after-holiday sales.
Princess Tofu: Good idea. Preference in color on the toaster?
Vladimir Yakamura: Not really. My decor is so eclectic it doesn't matter.
Princess Tofu: Toaster or Toaster oven?
Vladimir Yakamura: Toaster. My cheap piece of crap won't stay down and actually toast the bread. $6 seemed like a bargain at the time.
Princess Tofu: I had an iron like that when I moved out. It used to sizzle when you plugged it in.
Vladimir Yakamura: Heh. I guess you do get what you pay for. That does double for sex.
Princess Tofu: Yeah, i guess. Why? How much do you pay for sex?
Vladimir Yakamura: Depends
Princess Tofu: Oooh!
Vladimir Yakamura: You know, the difficulty of the routine, the music, the completion of a smooth dismount.
Princess Tofu: When does your Jew thanksgiving start tomorrow?
Vladimir Yakamura: At Jew O'Clock
Vladimir Yakamura: Hehe
Princess Tofu: What's on the menu?
Vladimir Yakamura: Latkes
Vladimir Yakamura: Lox
Princess Tofu: Gefilte fish
Vladimir Yakamura: Other Jewish foods I can't remember right now.
Vladimir Yakamura: And I'll have you know, the Jew told me to 'tell that dumb Goy bitch to have a nice Thanksgiving.'
Princess Tofu: Back at the Yid!
Vladimir Yakamura: We're actually having Carribean jerk turkey. And the usual sides. Mashed potatoes, corn, cranberry muffins. Booze. Just like the Pilgrims.
Princess Tofu: Hopefully lots of booze in every dish!
Princess Tofu: I wonder if you made a jello with booze if it would set?
Vladimir Yakamura: No, that's how they make Jello shots as though you don't know.
Princess Tofu: Too bad. I was thinking about a Brandy old fashion mold.
Vladimir Yakamura: mmmmm
Princess Tofu: Why would I know about jello shots? Just because it involves liquor doesn't mean I'm an expert. I like my liquor like I like my men, Cheap and available.
Vladimir Yakamura: With moustaches and hairy chests?
Princess Tofu: More or less. Bitch.
Princess Tofu: And really big boobs.
Vladimir Yakamura: Regular big or funhouse big?
Princess Tofu: Regular big. Funhouse big is scary. Makes you look like a parade balloon,
Princess Tofu: Remember what they say.....More than a handful and it's just a waste.
Vladimir Yakamura: That's not true of gold doubloons
Princess Tofu: Yes, but it is with boobs.
Vladimir Yakamura: Arrr, mermaid's pillows
Princess Tofu: ARRRRRRRRRRRR!
Vladimir Yakamura: I think I'll go to Sears at lunch
Princess Tofu: What for?
Princess Tofu: They don't serve lunch.
Vladimir Yakamura: Tiny stoves. Tools. Fashionable clothes.
Princess Tofu: You and ty pennington.
Vladimir Yakamura: That assclown? That's the meanest thing you've ever said to me.
Princess Tofu: Not really. I could think of a few more.
Princess Tofu: What time do you want me to come over on friday?
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm easy. Let's have a whole day of fun.
Vladimir Yakamura: Ending with a fishfry!
Princess Tofu: Weeeeeeeee!
Vladimir Yakamura: I think I'm going to suprise Bhushan and replace the puffy toilet seat.
Princess Tofu: You could get one of those see through ones with fish.
Vladimir Yakamura: I thought of that.
Vladimir Yakamura: Maybe a Spongebob one
Princess Tofu: Ohhh! I like your thinking. Too bad you can't find a see through one with beer caps in it.
Vladimir Yakamura: I could buy a plain one and we could spend the day Friday doing decoupage!
Princess Tofu: Yeah, but if you put the beer caps on the outside, it's going to be uncomfortable.
Vladimir Yakamura: We could use fun pictures from magazines
Vladimir Yakamura: It could be a theme
Vladimir Yakamura: like water
Princess Tofu: How about beer ads?
Vladimir Yakamura: Hey, now you're thinking
Princess Tofu: I do what i can.
Vladimir Yakamura: Wouldn't he be surprised and/or freaked out?
Princess Tofu: Probably freaked out if he's there.
Princess Tofu: And we are naked.
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, we'd have a long wait. He's in India. Well, somewhere over the Atlantic right now, anyway.
Princess Tofu: Oh, I say we surprise him.
Vladimir Yakamura: Let's paint the walls.
Princess Tofu: Black
Vladimir Yakamura: Black and Orange
Princess Tofu: Or a giant eye on the ceiling so he feels someone is watching him.
Vladimir Yakamura: Pink walls with a fun border
Princess Tofu: Or better yet, How about a pirate theme?
Vladimir Yakamura: Oh, Aye
Princess Tofu: We could get a see through toilet seat with shells.
Princess Tofu: I saw one of those at target.
Vladimir Yakamura: We could buy a poster of Pirates of the Carribean and do the decoupage thing. We can use the shells as decorations.
Princess Tofu: We could replace the nasty carpet with sand or palm fronds.
Princess Tofu: We could hot glue shells on the hot and cold faucets and hang fish netting.
Vladimir Yakamura: And buy plastic fish and put them in the netting
Princess Tofu: How many landlords can say they have a theme apartment.
Vladimir Yakamura: Many. If the theme is 'ghetto' or 'poverty'
Princess Tofu: Thats no fun. And we could put a sign on the bathroom,"Ye Olde Privy".
Vladimir Yakamura: I want a whole wall dedicated to Poseidon, God of the Sea. All Hail Poseidon!
Princess Tofu: We could put Poseiden in the tub, Paint the tub gold, and use a fish spitting water for the faucet.
Princess Tofu: And then do a naked lady mosaic on the floor in tiles.
Vladimir Yakamura: Hello, Venus rising from the Foam!
Princess Tofu: Weeeeeee!
Vladimir Yakamura: We can hang a sign in the kitchen, Welcome to the Galley
Princess Tofu: Let's make it interesting and give her a penis.
Vladimir Yakamura: Why do you think her hand is where it is?
Princess Tofu: Well, it must not be much to shout about. She's got a small hand.
Vladimir Yakamura: Maybe it's tucked
Princess Tofu: Ooooo! How Silence of the Lambs!
Vladimir Yakamura: That reminds me. I have to show you something in the basement.
Vladimir Yakamura: Bring some lotion, ok?
Princess Tofu: So Asha pissed on the other bed?
Vladimir Yakamura: Yes, damn cat.
Princess Tofu: I think she's trying to tell you something about the cat door. And it's not good.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm going to tell her a story about a magical rainbow bridge
Princess Tofu: And how you can cross it only one way. Why don't you show her and piss in her cat box?
Vladimir Yakamura: Um, why don't you do that when you're over?
Princess Tofu: Okay, I'm game.
Princess Tofu: When are you going to lunch?
Vladimir Yakamura: 1/2 hour or so
Vladimir Yakamura: When are you hitting the sack?
Princess Tofu: I have a few errands to run and then I will be saying nite nite.
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, have fun. Have a good Thanksgiving dinner and I'll see you on Friday.
Princess Tofu: The only way I will have a good thanksgiving dinner is if I start drinking now!
Vladimir Yakamura: Go for it. CHUG, CHUG, CHUG
Princess Tofu: God Blesh ush everyone.
Vladimir Yakamura: See you on Friday, PT
Princess Tofu: Later Vlad.
