Vladimir: If it isn't Miss Sunshine herself!
Princess Tofu: what is it now?
Vladimir: What is what?
Princess Tofu: idon't know what is what is what?
Vladimir: Are you high again?
Princess Tofu: according to mel gibson, his wife is going to hell because she is episcopalian.
Vladimir: Not because she fucks him?
Princess Tofu: How would you like to be married to that piece of work and bear his 7 children?
Vladimir: bearing the kids wouldn't be the issue. It's how she gets pregnant that makes me want to barf
Princess Tofu: I am sure it is done in the holiest way with eye averted.
Vladimir: Ugh, but there's still the Gibson junk to have to deal with
Princess Tofu: that's the shitty part.
Vladimir: So, did he really say that about his baby-mama?
Princess Tofu: It was a quote from an interview. He basically said, "she cannot be saved because she is not catholic".
Vladimir: What a national treasure!
Princess Tofu: God i love christians. They are so forgiving.
Vladimir: Who Would Jesus Hate?
Princess Tofu: Can't blame that one on the booze, can you Mel.
Princess Tofu: I'm thinking Jews.
Vladimir: He wouldn't have to say that kind of stuff if it wasn't for the Heebs
Princess Tofu: They are boring into his head as he sleeps and slip in unpure thoughts.
Vladimir: Duh! Hello! They control the MEDIA. They just send out subliminal messages through his tv.
Vladimir: Don't be naive.
Princess Tofu: They must also slip something into his liquor. Bastards.
Vladimir: Yes, it's called 'alcohol'
Princess Tofu: No. I think it's "roofies" which make him act like an absolute asshole.
Vladimir: I think that's natural Gibson shining through
Princess Tofu: I wonder how rehab is going? I 'd like to send a case of tequila to celebrate his sobriety.
Vladimir: How about a case of the Clap?
Vladimir: Surely you must have some to spare
Princess Tofu: And I will sign the card from the jewish antidefamation league.
Vladimir: heehee. I wanted to sign my boss up for the Arab Anti Discrimination league
Princess Tofu: why didn't you?
Vladimir: He seems the type to be all crazy. And I'd hate to make some poor soul take a phone call from him demanding to know where they got his name from.
Princess Tofu: Osama bin laden.
Vladimir: My boss is born again
Princess Tofu: What was he the first time?
Vladimir: I'm not sure. Maybe this time it will take.
Princess Tofu: You know, if you get it right the first time you don't have to do it twice.
Vladimir: And these are the same people who scoff at reincarnation
Princess Tofu: yeah! Even though the Big "j" seems to have done it.
Vladimir: If you're born again, does that mean you have to come out of your mother's birth canal again? That would hurt.
Princess Tofu: And would require lots of therapy.
Vladimir: I'm going to call the Mormons and get you on a mailing list. They'll send you one of those free bibles of theirs.
Princess Tofu: Already have one. I went to Kansas City 2 years ago. They are everywhere.
Vladimir: Hmm. I'll sign you up for a nun newsletter, then.
Vladimir: It's not too late to take your vows!
Princess Tofu: Neat!
Vladimir: I did that to a friend in high school. Her parents were thrilled when that arrived in the mail.
Princess Tofu: My mother would be really confused.
Vladimir: and/or excited
Vladimir: If you have a child that's a priest or nun, don't you automatically go to heaven?
Princess Tofu: Highly unlikely. But it would increase her chances of another grandchild.
Vladimir: I'm not following that
Princess Tofu: I stand a better chance getting lucky as a nun than just normal circumstances.
Vladimir: I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure there's no 'getting lucky' as a nun
Princess Tofu: Really? I'm pretty sure there is no getting lucky as a priest, but that doesn't seem to work.
Vladimir: Well, that's different. How do you not touch small boys?
Princess Tofu: They are just plowing the fields of the Lord.
Vladimir: Wow, what an awful pun and what a filthy, filthy thing to say.
Princess Tofu: Thank you. I wonder if Mel gibson had his fields tended to as a boy. He was and altarboy.
Vladimir: that might explain some things. Why not call a few media outlets and float that theory?
Princess Tofu: Put him on the SNAP mailing list.
Vladimir: I'll bite, what's SNAP?
Princess Tofu: Survivors network abused by priests(sic) Something along that line.
Vladimir: Ahhh
Vladimir: It's nice they have a club
Princess Tofu: I wonder if the go on gambling trips and have social outings?
Vladimir: I bet they don't go to church together.
Princess Tofu: Maybe they have little get togethers like "Tea with the Touched"?
Vladimir: Abused but not Amused?
Princess Tofu: Yes. Exactly!
Vladimir: Hey, it's Hump Day
Princess Tofu: No. I don't think they are home.
Vladimir: Hmm
Princess Tofu: At least I haven't heard them upstairs.
Vladimir: well, only two more days until the weekend!
Princess Tofu: Everybody's working for the weekend..........
Vladimir: Really? Loverboy?
Princess Tofu: Sure what the hell!
Vladimir: Why not just quote Ace of Base?
Princess Tofu: I saw the sign.
Vladimir: Did it open up your mind?
Princess Tofu: I saw the sign.
Vladimir: Ooh, I should have said Aqua
Princess Tofu: I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world.
Vladimir: I bet that's the only song you can quote from
Princess Tofu: Yes. but i bet you know more!
Vladimir: Oh hell yes. I have the album. And the Barbie Girl remix CD
Princess Tofu: Schweet!
Vladimir: or scary. whatever
Princess Tofu: You bought it. No one made you do it.(well, except for the Devil. Or maybe Mel Gibson.)
Vladimir: It had to be divine (or unholy) influence
Princess Tofu: Says you.
Vladimir: bite me
Princess Tofu: Whatever. isn't it getting close to your lunch time?
Vladimir: I guess
Vladimir: why?
Princess Tofu: Just making small talk, you paranoid ass.
Vladimir: thought you were inviting me out
Princess Tofu: It's not like i'm going to stalk you.
Princess Tofu: I have to sleep. I had less than 4 hours yesterday. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.
Vladimir: Yeah, I've been having trouble sleeping as well.
Vladimir: I want the weather to cool down some more and the plants to stop with the pollinating already
Princess Tofu: My eyes have been watering and my nose running. It just sucks.
Vladimir: Well, go to sleep then
Princess Tofu: Bless you Sir. i shall.
Vladimir: ok. bye
Princess Tofu: bye

Vladimir Yakamura: Fucking allergies. Where's the cold weather to kill everything?
Princess Tofu: Holy Crap you bitch a lot.
Vladimir Yakamura: I caught that from you. I used to be an easy going, fun guy.
Princess Tofu: Really!?! When the hell was that?
Vladimir Yakamura: back in the time before the Funkiller
Princess Tofu: I get this feeling you were always a pain in the ass.
Vladimir Yakamura: I get the feeling you were always a word that rhymes with punt
Princess Tofu: Thank you. Guess who's getting it on right now?
Vladimir Yakamura: You and the drunk woman from next door?
Princess Tofu: No. My friends upstairs. Quite vigrously might i add.
Vladimir Yakamura: It's a good aerobic workout
Princess Tofu: Oh it stopped. Maybe she stroked out.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm sure there was some stroking
Princess Tofu: Not that!
Princess Tofu: Although it's awful quiet on her part. Maybe this is a little self help.
Vladimir Yakamura: Maybe it's role-playing. As mimes
Princess Tofu: How creepy is that!
Vladimir Yakamura: Creepy but quiet
Princess Tofu: But still creepy!
Princess Tofu: So what's up fella?
Vladimir Yakamura: Biting the heads off animals
Princess Tofu: Ooooh! Hard day at work?
Vladimir Yakamura: Animal Crackers
Princess Tofu: Damn!
Vladimir Yakamura: Yummy. and sparkling lemon water
Princess Tofu: I'm trying to get rid of a headache so I can get some sleep.
Vladimir Yakamura: Take Excedrin. The headache medicine
Princess Tofu: I don't have any right now.
Vladimir Yakamura: Bash your head against something hard
Princess Tofu: Now why didn't I think of that. You are a fucking genius.
Princess Tofu: I have tylenol, the liver defiler.
Vladimir Yakamura: Only if taken with booze, sweetheart
Princess Tofu: How else would you take them?
Vladimir Yakamura: Intraveneously
Princess Tofu: Interesting. Tell me more.
Vladimir Yakamura: As if you don't know what I'm talking about.
Princess Tofu: Completely virgin here.
Vladimir Yakamura: Yeah, you and Elizabeth I
Princess Tofu: Keep Liz out of this.
Vladimir Yakamura: I have to start using the word douchebag more often.
Princess Tofu: It's so versitile.
Vladimir Yakamura: And it's shorter and easier to say quickly than 'colostomy bag' is
Princess Tofu: True.
Princess Tofu: I've got to try and get some sleep.
Vladimir Yakamura: So, what? You're leaving?
Princess Tofu: Yes My Love. I must.
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, then, talk to you later, douchebag
Princess Tofu: Fuck you colostomy bag!
Vladimir Yakamura: Ouch! touché
Princess Tofu: Touche!
Vladimir Yakamura: bye, beeyotch
Princess Tofu: Holla back Bitch!

Princess Tofu: Hello sweetness!
Vladimir Yakamura: Don't start
Princess Tofu: What's your problem?
Vladimir Yakamura: Remember the appliances that were included with my new home?
Princess Tofu: Yes?
Vladimir Yakamura: The dryer died yesterday and the washing machine leaks enough water to make my basement look like the banks of the Nile during flood season.
Princess Tofu: Oh shit!
Vladimir Yakamura: Yep
Vladimir Yakamura: I got almost all my laundry done and the dryer died during the towels
Princess Tofu: Figures!
Princess Tofu: Well I guess we know where this is going!
Princess Tofu: Hey the laundry mat is right across the street.
Vladimir Yakamura: I know
Princess Tofu: It could be worse you know. Idon't know how but,...........
Vladimir Yakamura: Heh. Bitch
Princess Tofu: You can volunteer for Mexican fiesta. I do have something going on for saturday.
Vladimir Yakamura: I already made plans.
Princess Tofu: Good Bitch!
Vladimir Yakamura: My $50 lawn mowing looks good, but everyone I talk to says that it shouldn't have cost that much.
Princess Tofu: Nice. Illegal immigrants took you for a ride.
Vladimir Yakamura: a big ride
Princess Tofu: They can smell first time homeowners from a mile a way.
Vladimir Yakamura: "Can I mow your lawn, Señor?"
Princess Tofu: Did you call Nelson and thank him?
Vladimir Yakamura: Not yet
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm sending dead roses
Princess Tofu: My sentiments exactly
Princess Tofu: Whats the news on the tenant front? Is he gone?
Vladimir Yakamura: Nope
Vladimir Yakamura: I guess he'll be out by the first
Princess Tofu: Fucker!
Vladimir Yakamura: And then I'll have the bathroom done and the carpet replaced
Vladimir Yakamura: hehe, but I called WE Energies and had the upstairs bill put in his name.
Princess Tofu: Schweet!
Princess Tofu: He'll have to pay that before he can start service in his new place.!
Vladimir Yakamura: I know. Curse him and his incontinent cat.
Princess Tofu: Weeeeeeeeeeee!
Princess Tofu: It is really fun to be evil!
Vladimir Yakamura: I don't think it's evil to make him pay for his energy usage
Princess Tofu: No, But I bet he wasn't going to be expecting that! HE HE!
Vladimir Yakamura: Good. It's the surprise that keeps on giving
Princess Tofu: I thought that was the syph!?
Vladimir Yakamura: If you're unclean and you know it, clap your hands
Princess Tofu: Yeah!!!
Princess Tofu: So what does you yard look like now that you have leveled the pampas?
Vladimir Yakamura: Actually, really nice
Vladimir Yakamura: he used a mulching mower so all that weird crap was shredded into a nice green covering that actually looks like grass to the untrained eye.
Princess Tofu: When is the guy coming for the tons of crap?
Vladimir Yakamura: Not until Matt moves out. As soon as he's gone and I know none of the stuff is his, the rest of it goes.
Princess Tofu: Turn off his power. I bet he moves faster.
Vladimir Yakamura: That's up to the power company
Princess Tofu: Not if you offer a little cash.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'd like to toss that little furry pissing machine into traffic
Princess Tofu: Where was that fucking thing when we were up there?
Vladimir Yakamura: I don't care. The litterbox was already gone, so maybe it's lowering property values in someone else's building.
Princess Tofu: That or he ate it.
Vladimir Yakamura: ha!
Princess Tofu: So i take it you are going to suffer with the laudry mat for right now.
Vladimir Yakamura: Unless you're running over with a new dryer...
Princess Tofu: HA!
Vladimir Yakamura: Damn you
Princess Tofu: Hey you have wash poles out back.
Princess Tofu: String them up!
Vladimir Yakamura: I should string you up
Princess Tofu: Bitter little bitch!
Vladimir Yakamura: Whatever, it's been a bad two weeks, ok? You're lucky if I don't develop a dependency on pills and go on a killing spree.
Princess Tofu: Now you are making me feel better!
Vladimir Yakamura: I should take up drinking
Princess Tofu: Lots and Lots!
Vladimir Yakamura: I have to get some sparkling water
Princess Tofu: Pussy! What about scotch and sparkling water?
Vladimir Yakamura: I don't have any scotch at work. I'm not your father.
Princess Tofu: Fuck you! He's a tequila man!
Vladimir Yakamura: Ariba!
Princess Tofu: Ole!
Vladimir Yakamura: Did you know that if you call and leave me a voicemail message at home, that I get an email with a sound recording of the message?
Princess Tofu: Shut up!
Vladimir Yakamura: I will not! It's true.
Princess Tofu: Now I need to try that out!
Vladimir Yakamura: It's like I'm living in the future. Like the Jetsons
Princess Tofu: Yeah? Where's your flying car and robomaid?
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, if you had only purchased the Roomba as a gift like I'd asked, I'd be halfway there.
Princess Tofu: What a shame. I feel just awful about that.
Vladimir Yakamura: I can feel the lies streaming through my screen.
Princess Tofu: You are just paranoid!
Vladimir Yakamura: Oh please, the insincerity is palpable
Princess Tofu: I'm crying as we type right now.
Vladimir Yakamura: I am too, but I think it's a combo of allergies and too much cologne this morning
Princess Tofu: Who is the french hussy today?
Vladimir Yakamura: Your mother, just like every other day
Princess Tofu: Seriously Ass!
Princess Tofu: Is it Ruth from the baby plantation?
Vladimir Yakamura: No, your mother
Princess Tofu: Is it old lady perfume? That's the worst. It never goes away.
Vladimir Yakamura: I meant me. I'm wearing too much cologne, ok!
Vladimir Yakamura: Me. Me. Me. Me.
Princess Tofu: So you are the hussy!
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, not too much, actually, it's just some that I don't normally wear and it's kind of grating on me. I think I'll throw the rest of it away when I get home.
Princess Tofu: There is a fine idea. Is it Old Spice?
Princess Tofu: I know you have a thing for the men of the sea!
Vladimir Yakamura: It's called Green
Vladimir Yakamura: I don't remember who it's by
Vladimir Yakamura: I think Hugo Boss
Princess Tofu: Lovely. Why don't they just call it "Smell" or "Stink"?
Vladimir Yakamura: It's not that awful, I'm just not used to it
Princess Tofu: I wear hugo boss women and really like it.
Vladimir Yakamura: What an ironic sentence
Princess Tofu: It what sense darling?
Vladimir Yakamura: Like a black fly in your chardonnay
Princess Tofu: That's not ironic. I don't care what That Canuck Bitch says.
Vladimir Yakamura: great, now I have that fucking song in my head
Princess Tofu: Hey, You started it.
Vladimir Yakamura: and I'll finish it!
Princess Tofu: Says you!
Vladimir Yakamura: Wow, it's like the witty banter of a Tracy/Hepburn flick. Or maybe more like Rosilind Russel and Cary Grant in "His Girl Friday"
Princess Tofu: I don't think I want to talk to you anymore. You are sarcastic>
Vladimir Yakamura: Thanks, I try. I really do.
Princess Tofu: Whatever!
Vladimir Yakamura: ehh, so's your uncle
Princess Tofu: Fine. I'm going to take a nap.
Vladimir Yakamura: enjoy
Princess Tofu: Muchas Gracias! Adios!
Vladimir Yakamura: seig heil
Princess Tofu: Lovely!
Vladimir Yakamura: bye
Princess Tofu: bye

Vladimir Yakamura: well, well, look what Cerberus dragged in
Princess Tofu: Hardy har har!
Princess Tofu: How's it going?
Vladimir Yakamura: tiring
Vladimir Yakamura: furniture is coming today. Which means I'm trying to clear out the living room so it has somewhere to go
Princess Tofu: Well it should look better with a little furniture covering up that carpet. did you get asha out of the heating duct?
Vladimir Yakamura: she came out on her own, thank goodness. I was not looking forward to making a call to some heating company and paying for someone to open up the duct work.
Princess Tofu: Bullshit! That's what hammers are for!
Vladimir Yakamura: speaking of paying, I didn't get the rent until the 10th. And then he gave me notice.
Princess Tofu: Shut up!
Vladimir Yakamura: It gets better...
Vladimir Yakamura: I got an estimate to fix his bathtub. Guess how much?
Princess Tofu: 1000.00
Vladimir Yakamura: on the dot
Princess Tofu: God I'm good.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm glad one of us got some pleasure out of that number. It makes me want to cry
Princess Tofu: so I take it your new terms were not to his agreement?
Vladimir Yakamura: We never had a discussion. I asked where the hell his rent was and he told me he got a new job and was moving to Racine and would be out on the 1st.
Princess Tofu: Lucky you! Son of a bitch. I hope his job falls through!
Vladimir Yakamura: I hope he gets a job with included dental
Princess Tofu: y?
Vladimir Yakamura: His teeth are very British
Princess Tofu: Ooohhhh! And not in a regal sense I take it.
Princess Tofu: If he was looking to flee when he found out the other guy was moving, why the fuck didn't he tell you? Asshole.
Vladimir Yakamura: I know. I would have made fixing the bathtub part of the offer. And frankly, should have anyway.
Princess Tofu: Yeah! Well a little too late for that now.
Princess Tofu: how the hell are you going to swing this?
Vladimir Yakamura: Thanks, voice of the obvious.
Vladimir Yakamura: Swing what? The suicide?
Vladimir Yakamura: I figure pills is best
Princess Tofu: I can help you with that.
Vladimir Yakamura: No thanks
Princess Tofu: Straight razor in the tub with warm water. You won't even notice it.
Vladimir Yakamura: I probably would. I have a guy coming today to look at the bathtub and give me the bad news in person.
Vladimir Yakamura: Everyone is recommending one of those 'shells' that covers the old tub.
Princess Tofu: Unless of course you do it in his tub, which would mean dying of lead poisoning first.
Princess Tofu: It will basically serve the purpose and be a lot cheaper.
Vladimir Yakamura: No, that's the $1000 solution
Princess Tofu: Is it lined with Waterford crystal?
Vladimir Yakamura: I think it comes with sex. For that much money, there better be something else besides tub included.
Princess Tofu: I would hope so!
Vladimir Yakamura: Why don't I know any plumber lesbians with a big truck?
Princess Tofu: Why don't we all?
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, I need some for practical reasons
Princess Tofu: Me too!
Princess Tofu: did you check at HOBO?
Vladimir Yakamura: for lesbians?
Princess Tofu: No, you ass. Tubs.
Princess Tofu: If you can find a tub and just have someone install, it may be cheaper.
Vladimir Yakamura: Yes, but everyone who would install it won't deliver it. that's why I need the lesbos and their truck
Princess Tofu: Or just buy some really big bath decals and just cover it up.
Vladimir Yakamura: You know...THAT is a GREAT idea!
Vladimir Yakamura: It's just crazy enough to work!
Princess Tofu: And by the way, not all lesbos have trucks.(eventhough i did have 2)
Vladimir Yakamura: I never said all followers of sappho had trucks, just that I needed some that did
Princess Tofu: I could make some lovely designs with nail polish.
Vladimir Yakamura: Hey are you coming on Saturday>
Princess Tofu: I was planning on it. Are you telling me I shouldn't, or be careful looking for the body.
Princess Tofu: I thought I would buy a papa murphy's pizza and we could make it in your oven.
Vladimir Yakamura: That's cool. If we can find the oven.
Vladimir Yakamura: There are currently 5 boxes stacked in front of it
Princess Tofu: A minor detail for sure.
Vladimir Yakamura: If you want to come early and help me play "where can all this shit go?" I would appreciate it. I need to make some tough decisions.
Princess Tofu: Love to. I help you with what I can. The rest will just burn.
Vladimir Yakamura: I have to figure out what to do about the cats' box
Princess Tofu: Why? Aren't you putting them in the basement.
Vladimir Yakamura: I need the cat door installed then. Plus, the guy upstairs still has crap down there and will be coming in and out until he moves.
Vladimir Yakamura: right now, it's stuck in the pantry because there's no where else for it.
Princess Tofu: So all that crap down there is his?
Vladimir Yakamura: Not all, but most. Including the vacuum cleaner, dammit
Princess Tofu: Vaccum cleaner? What vacuum cleaner? Just tell him there wasn't one there.
Vladimir Yakamura: he saw it already
Vladimir Yakamura: may have taken it, too
Princess Tofu: Why the hell didn't he use it upstairs where he should have?
Vladimir Yakamura: I have to find an industrial cleaning service to haul away all the junk including the paint cans, wood, cinder blocks, etc.
Vladimir Yakamura: he says the old owner borrowed it from him to clean when he was moving out
Princess Tofu: Bullshit?
Princess Tofu: And he didn't miss it until now?
Vladimir Yakamura: I don't think so. It wasn't down there until Bill moved out and threw all his crap down there instead of outside.
Princess Tofu: Delicious!
Vladimir Yakamura: His garbage is still all over my lawn. Which has yet to be mowed, by the way. It's like the african veldt out back.
Princess Tofu: When it gets waist high, start looking out for lions.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm hiring some hispanic guy. I have to call him today. He'll be doing it on the weekends.
Princess Tofu: Get a goat!
Vladimir Yakamura: I hope he'll do something about the bushes in front.
Princess Tofu: How about kill them?
Vladimir Yakamura: I can dig it
Princess Tofu: I could do it. I'm handy with the Roundup.
Vladimir Yakamura: get your weed whacker
Princess Tofu: I don't own one! Thank you!
Vladimir Yakamura: no one ever has anything I need
Princess Tofu: Sorry! Mister touchy!
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm going to have to find a tenant
Princess Tofu: Like now!
Vladimir Yakamura: Can't show it until the bathtub is taken care of
Princess Tofu: First you have to see what it looks like up there when he moves out his shit.
Vladimir Yakamura: Want to help me clean some carpets?
Princess Tofu: Whose? Yours?
Vladimir Yakamura: No, his
Vladimir Yakamura: Not that mine aren't crying for it, too
Princess Tofu: Fuck that! he probably has the cooties.
Vladimir Yakamura: the snaggletooth cooties
Princess Tofu: The toothless cooties.
Vladimir Yakamura: He's got teeth. Just bad ones
Princess Tofu: I bet he gnawed on the tub to keep his teeth sharp like a hamster.
Vladimir Yakamura: I don't care if he gnawed on it, I just wish he'd have fixed it when it started to go bad
Princess Tofu: He could have paid for it with the money he didn't spend on electricity.
Vladimir Yakamura: Ha!
Princess Tofu: He's probably going to leave every light on till he leaves.
Vladimir Yakamura: Bastard!
Vladimir Yakamura: Ashley's here!
Princess Tofu: You are at home waiting for the delivery!
Princess Tofu: I'll let you go. Tah tah Sweetie.
Vladimir Yakamura: No, it's cool
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm just chilling watching them bring it in. and my chickenshit cats are freaked out
Vladimir Yakamura: Oh, sweet mother of god. These side tables are HUGE
Princess Tofu: Your kidding me? Didn't you look at them when you bought them?
Vladimir Yakamura: Yes, but they looked so teeny in the store
Princess Tofu: Great! So you will have to squeeze in between the furniture to get into the kitchen.
Princess Tofu: Or never hit the floor between the door and the kitchen.

Vladimir Yakamura: Welcome to first Smith Mock Conversion!
Princess Tofu: Oh lucky stars!
Princess Tofu: Are you on call for the weekend?
Vladimir Yakamura: Hell fucking no
Vladimir Yakamura: It's just today
Princess Tofu: Good ! When does your vacation start? Monday?
Vladimir Yakamura: Technically, I begin vacationing the minute I leave here on Friday
Princess Tofu: Has the conversion actually started yet? Cause I'll give it about 5 minutes before it goes south.
Vladimir Yakamura: The whole thing started on Monday. The part I remotely give a shit about is this morning. And I give that part about 5 minutes before it goes south.
Princess Tofu: Sounds about right!
Vladimir Yakamura: It's only 11 files, so it's really, really small. Should not be the headache that the last conversion was. Also, Retardulon is no longer an island unto herself, she is now supervised.
Princess Tofu: When the hell did that happen? When they found out how much it would cost to maintain a monkey to do her job?
Vladimir Yakamura: They reorganized a while ago and shoved her into a bigger group because she's such a fucking moron.
Princess Tofu: Oh JOY! More people to piss off!
Princess Tofu: Why don't they just break her leg and have her put down.
Vladimir Yakamura: As long as someone's taken responsibility for her, I don't care
Princess Tofu: You should care. Her idiot disease could spread and infect others. I think she should be burned to prevent contagion.
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, she is a witch. I say burning's too good for her
Princess Tofu: Well, technically you should prick her with sharp objects before you throw her into the river. It should be done by the book.
Vladimir Yakamura: No, I mean burning's too good for her in general. She should be stamped to death by wildebeests
Princess Tofu: OOOOOHHHHH! Me likey!
Princess Tofu: Or perhaps torn asunder by llamas.
Vladimir Yakamura: $162.82
Princess Tofu: Heh?
Vladimir Yakamura: That's what the PDA sold for.
Princess Tofu: Sweet!
Princess Tofu: brb
Vladimir Yakamura: did you die?
Princess Tofu: no. I have been waiting for you to answer after I said i was back, Ass!
Vladimir Yakamura: You didn't say you were back, bitch
Princess Tofu: yes I did. Right after the brb. I can still see it on the screen bitch.
Vladimir Yakamura: well, it never got to me, mattress-back
Princess Tofu: fuck you!!!
Vladimir Yakamura: skank
Princess Tofu: Whore!
Vladimir Yakamura: Log Cabin Republican
Princess Tofu: OOOOHHHHH! That hurt's. Take it back.
Vladimir Yakamura: No way, you openly-gay politician actively fighting against your own interests, you
Princess Tofu: You kiss your mother with that mouth? How dare you call me self serving you anus!
Vladimir Yakamura: I never called you self-serving. That would just be mean.
Princess Tofu: That's just lipstick on a pig. It makes the pig pretty, but it's still a pig.
Vladimir Yakamura: I don't recall ever seeing you in lipstick.
Princess Tofu: Wow! Someone got up on the Bitchy side of the bed today!
Vladimir Yakamura: My bed only has one side.
Princess Tofu: Yes. The Bitchy one!
Vladimir Yakamura: I prefer to think of it as 'caustically witty'
Princess Tofu: I prefer to call you a prick!
Vladimir Yakamura: I prefer to run you over with a truck
Princess Tofu: OOOHH! I love senseless violence.
Vladimir Yakamura: Then you'll love the Xmas presents I'm giving out this year.
Princess Tofu: Please tell me they are dangerous.
Vladimir Yakamura: No, but personal. A punch in the throat.
Princess Tofu: Good. That will go with the violent kick to the groin I was saving for your birthday.
Vladimir Yakamura: Great. Make sure it's wrapped in a pretty box
Princess Tofu: As you wish!
Princess Tofu: I'll even throw in an ice pack just for the hell of it.
Vladimir Yakamura: Mmmm, chilly
Princess Tofu: Painfully delicious!
Vladimir Yakamura: That reminds me, I need to get a 'magically delicious' shirt
Vladimir Yakamura: I also need to find an accountant
Princess Tofu: I can point to you one.
Vladimir Yakamura: I can point to a lot of things.
Princess Tofu: Scratch that. I can point you to one.
Vladimir Yakamura: I understood your meaning.
Princess Tofu: I'm pointing to you right now with the naughty finger.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm not using a finger at all
Princess Tofu: What are you using? She asked with an air of curiosity.
Vladimir Yakamura: My pen, of course. Get your mind out of the gutter
Princess Tofu: Oh! now i"m giving you the finger in my head!
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm making a list for Targét
Princess Tofu: OH GOD! It's going to be the national debt of Bolivia!
Vladimir Yakamura: Uh, ok
Vladimir Yakamura: I just need some basics, mostly cleaning stuff.
Vladimir Yakamura: Paper towels, air fresheners
Princess Tofu: That should work out to about a $1000.
Vladimir Yakamura: I also need the blue toilet disks
Princess Tofu: Because new sheets, a few lamps, curtains, kitchen stuff, and misc. will be attached to that.
Vladimir Yakamura: sleeping pills, shaving cream, papel hygencio
Vladimir Yakamura: Nah, I don't need any of that stuff yet.
Vladimir Yakamura: I will need new curtains for the living room as I have those horrible slat blinds in there now
Princess Tofu: Go to sam's club. You can get papel hygencio by the short ton.
Vladimir Yakamura: Sam's Club blows. And I'm one person. A four pack will do me just fine.
Princess Tofu: My parents are 2 people and my mom has a stockpile for the next 20 years. I've never figured that out. They must have 120 rolls of toilet paper. I suspect they are going to become presents now that my dad retired.
Vladimir Yakamura: Merry Xmas to you!
Princess Tofu: And to you too. I regift.
Vladimir Yakamura: I need cleaning stuff to scrub the new place and make an attempt to spruce up Casa Despair
Vladimir Yakamura: Air fresheners for the new place to get the white guy smell out of the place
Princess Tofu: The only thing that will spruce up casa despair is a good cleansing fire.
Vladimir Yakamura: Oh, so cleansing. Fire. So pure, so good. Mmmmmm
Princess Tofu: I'm getting all giggly just thinking about it.
Vladimir Yakamura: If it burns down, we have to make sure the people in front are trapped inside. Along with that broken down car.
Princess Tofu: Maybe we could start the car on fire and push it into the house.
Vladimir Yakamura: That's an awesome plan
Vladimir Yakamura: meet me at midnight with a container of gasoline
Princess Tofu: I'll bring more than a container! And some marshmallows.
Vladimir Yakamura: Ooh, arson s'mores! I love those
Princess Tofu: We can nibble and swill down some dirty martinis.
Vladimir Yakamura: is that an arson drink? I would have thought something more fruity
Princess Tofu: Like what?
Vladimir Yakamura: Rum punch?
Princess Tofu: Only if it's on fire!
Vladimir Yakamura: Hah! I was just going to say that!
Princess Tofu: Great minds think alike!
Vladimir Yakamura: what else do I need from Target? I know there was more.
Princess Tofu: Windex, Paper towels, plastic bags, dish soap?
Vladimir Yakamura: Oh, yes Windex.
Vladimir Yakamura: I need to clean the front windows so I can put up a bird feeder.
Princess Tofu: What happened to your other one?
Vladimir Yakamura: It was kind of rotting and there was no place to put it in the new place, so I left it.
Princess Tofu: Maybe you could put up a spike with fetid meat to attract the vultures. That ought to give the cats a treat.
Vladimir Yakamura: I think a simple feeder will be just fine.
Vladimir Yakamura: Just the thing to make the cats crazy.
Princess Tofu: Party pooper!
Vladimir Yakamura: Please do not refer to me as a soireé defecator.
Princess Tofu: whatever.
Vladimir Yakamura: Maybe I'll put a birdbath in the back
Princess Tofu: I need to get some sleep. My funky prozac dreams await.
Vladimir Yakamura: Have fun
Princess Tofu: I always do!
Princess Tofu: bye
Vladimir Yakamura: bye

Vladimir Yakamura: So, you heard about Mel Gibson and the anti-semitic rant he went on when pulled over for his latest DUI?
Princess Tofu: i looked it up on tmz.com to read the arrest report. What a cock.
Vladimir Yakamura: And how do you go to anti-semitism when pulled over by cops?
Vladimir Yakamura: I could see being racist if the cop was black and you were white or vice versa. Then maybe a little druken trash-talk might make sense. But anti-semitism?
Princess Tofu: His statement was, and I quote" fucking jews! Fucking jews start all the wars all over the world. Are you a jew?"
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm totally going to start using that as my argument for everything. "How come this work isn't finished?" "Fucking Jews! That's why. Are you a Jew?"
Vladimir Yakamura: Or maybe I'll start blaming the Filipinos or Polynesians.
Princess Tofu: That's now my answer to everything too. Why aren't you coming into work today? Fucking jews!
Vladimir Yakamura: He is such an asshole
Princess Tofu: My favorite part about him is the fact that he belongs to an ultra ultra Catholic group that doesn't believe in the vatican, and believes the current pope is an antipope. Oh, and the holocaust never happened.
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, that's true. I heard it was filmed on a soundstage in Russia
Princess Tofu: Yet another reason not to be catholic anymore. I'd hate to think my heaven would be littered with nutjobs like him.
Vladimir Yakamura: I know! What a depressing thought.
Vladimir Yakamura: I need to order trash containers for my garbage pick up at the new place.
Princess Tofu: That's just absolutely insane. His father is a bigger nut. There is a whole nutty subculture that goes along with this. His father hutton writes a newsletter called "The war is now".
Vladimir Yakamura: really?
Vladimir Yakamura: i wonder if it's online
Princess Tofu: Oh hell yeah! i came across this stuff when they had some nutty priest on coast to coast. He believes that everyone who isn't catholic is going to hell and that the pope is the devil. It gets really creepy. You think scientology is nutty. This shit is just frightening.
Vladimir Yakamura: Why is the Pope bad. I mean, I know why he's bad to me, but why don't they like him?
Vladimir Yakamura: Oh, and you were outbid. Sorry.
Princess Tofu: Because he is not a legitimate pope according to them. There is a whole shitload of these groups that are fighting among themselves basically damning each other. The site is called mostholymonastery.com. What a wackjob.
Princess Tofu: How much did it go for?
Vladimir Yakamura: It's not over yet, but you've been outbid.
Princess Tofu: by how much?
Vladimir Yakamura: I still have almost 8 hours left
Vladimir Yakamura: 11 bucks
Princess Tofu: bastards
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm hoping for a flurry of activity last minute. There are 11 people who are 'watching' the item
Princess Tofu: Schweet!
Vladimir Yakamura: And I know what you're getting for Xmas!
Princess Tofu: what?
Vladimir Yakamura: An electric can opener
Princess Tofu: The new kind that peels the lid off, or an old piece of shit?
Vladimir Yakamura: Uh, probably a piece of shit. I'll be re-gifting
Princess Tofu: Nevermind.
Princess Tofu: Homemade gifts mean more.
Princess Tofu: Like an ottoman.
Vladimir Yakamura: I thought gifts I didn't have to pay for meant more?
Princess Tofu: With hand tooled leather.
Princess Tofu: You cheap bitch.
Vladimir Yakamura: I don't want to hear about you handling your tools
Princess Tofu: Go to your mom's house and grab something while they are gone.
Vladimir Yakamura: They don't have anything I want
Vladimir Yakamura: I got this can opener as a house warming gift from my mortgage company
Princess Tofu: Shut up! How incredibly practical.
Vladimir Yakamura: And weird
Princess Tofu: At least it wasn't a plunger with their name on it.
Princess Tofu: Or hot pads.
Vladimir Yakamura: That would have been awesome
Vladimir Yakamura: the plunger one
Vladimir Yakamura: I should make people hot pads for the holidays
Princess Tofu: and ironic.
Princess Tofu: maybe i'll get you a bedazzler for your birthday so you can decorate them.
Vladimir Yakamura: It's called the GeMagic, bitch!
Princess Tofu: Whatever.
Princess Tofu: It's still crap from tv.
Vladimir Yakamura: Hey - Kathy Mitchell takes the time to come into your living room to hawk that cheap piece of shit day after day with no thanks. So the least you can do is get the name right.
Princess Tofu: She also does one for a wicked nockoff of the George Forman grill.
Vladimir Yakamura: haven't seen it
Vladimir Yakamura: Um, by the way, http://www.mostholyfamilymonastery.com/ is really scary
Princess Tofu: It's just spectacular if you like half moon shaped food. And yes it is really scary shit isn't it. You can find a whole lot of them if you look up Hutton Gibson.
Vladimir Yakamura: Oh, the SnakExpress. I've seen that
Vladimir Yakamura: I love half-moon shaped food
Princess Tofu: Who doesn't?
Vladimir Yakamura: I'll tell you who. The damn Jews.
Princess Tofu: Fucking jews! Mel was right!
Vladimir Yakamura: Hold on to your crotchless panties...https://www.gemagictv.com/templates/allstar/gemagic/33//showpop.html
Princess Tofu: Patterns i assume?
Vladimir Yakamura: No, they are looking for GeMagic users to be in the next "show" as they call it
Princess Tofu: Sign me up!!!!
Princess Tofu: I want to do a studded bra.
Vladimir Yakamura: You have to own a GeMagic and bring examples, I'm sure
Princess Tofu: Sweet! Lets invest together.
Vladimir Yakamura: 2 payments of 19.99 plus 7.95 sh
Princess Tofu: I think we can swingit. But, we will want to get extra studs.
Princess Tofu: Lots and lots.
Vladimir Yakamura: Heh, I was just looking at those. Do you want silver-colored or gold-colored?
Princess Tofu: Silver! I want to develope a whole line of "Bitch" wear.
Vladimir Yakamura: silver-colored
Princess Tofu: Yup!
Vladimir Yakamura: Ain't no real silver here
Princess Tofu: colored!
Vladimir Yakamura: I bet they rust
Princess Tofu: I bet they are put together by some starving orphans in Bangladesh.
Princess Tofu: Ala Kathy Lee
Vladimir Yakamura: I bet they have malaria germs on them
Princess Tofu: Or Dengue Fever.
Vladimir Yakamura: or Cancer!
Princess Tofu: Or some other Horrible incurible illness. little bags of germs.
Vladimir Yakamura: studs of germs. That sparkle and won't come out in the wash
Princess Tofu: I wonder if it's ever been tested on animals? I would love to see PETA tear into them.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'd love to see Peta thrown into a bear pit
Princess Tofu: That's cruel to bears. They shouldn't be forced to eat that.
Vladimir Yakamura: Not eat them. Just maul them.
Princess Tofu: If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them yummy.
Vladimir Yakamura: Same with children
Princess Tofu: Here! Here! I'll drink to that!
Vladimir Yakamura: Drink BLOOD?!
Princess Tofu: With a little vermouth.
Vladimir Yakamura: just a whisper, I hope
Princess Tofu: And a pickled onion.
Vladimir Yakamura: I prefer olives
Vladimir Yakamura: and the juice. Make it 'dirty'
Princess Tofu: I love it 'dirty'.
Vladimir Yakamura: who doesn't?
Princess Tofu: The JEWS, that's who!
Vladimir Yakamura: Amen to that
Princess Tofu: Mel gibson says that he thinks this arrest may hurt his career.
Princess Tofu: Not any of the comments about the Jews mind you. Just the arrest for DUI.
Vladimir Yakamura: Somehow I doubt his crazy fans give a damn
Princess Tofu: That's really scary.
Vladimir Yakamura: I guess he's worried MADD moms won't go to his movies
Princess Tofu: You what would be the cherry on the cake? if he came out as a gay crossdresser!
Vladimir Yakamura: that's disturbing
Princess Tofu: With a drinking problem, and blamed it on his nutty mom and dad and the holocaust and the jews.
Princess Tofu: I'm hoping he grabs some airtime to appologize like michael jackson.
Vladimir Yakamura: I think blaming the Jews is a huge untapped source of excuses
Princess Tofu: And ends it with blaming the jews for everything including global warming.
Vladimir Yakamura: I thought that was becuase of the chinks?
Princess Tofu: They are probably also jews.
Vladimir Yakamura: disguised as asians?
Princess Tofu: Maybe. I smell a conspiracy.
Vladimir Yakamura: Is it Kosher?
Princess Tofu: Mazel tov! Of course.
Vladimir Yakamura: So, what's on tap for today?
Princess Tofu: A nap. Followed by some serious sleeping, followed by a short rest.
Vladimir Yakamura: lazy bitch. What are you , a Jew?
Princess Tofu: How did you guess?
Vladimir Yakamura: the way you money-grub and stuff
Princess Tofu: It's kosher. It's in the bible. Look it up.
Princess Tofu: Or at least I can bend it to fit.
Vladimir Yakamura: I thought the big J chased you people out of the temple for money changing?
Princess Tofu: That's cause he wasn't getting a cut of the action.
Princess Tofu: He was down with the peeps.
Vladimir Yakamura: You're so hip
Princess Tofu: Whatever.
Vladimir Yakamura: what?
Princess Tofu: I have to sleep now. half of me is asleep already.
Princess Tofu: My brain at least.
Vladimir Yakamura: I can't hear you over the jingling of my house keys.
Princess Tofu: Fuck you.
Princess Tofu: Did you sign the papers already?
Vladimir Yakamura: Uh, yeah. I've been a homeowner since like 8:30.
Princess Tofu: Sorry. I didn't get the dispatch.
Vladimir Yakamura: I told you I was closing on the 1st.
Vladimir Yakamura: Today is the 1st. Put it together.
Princess Tofu: Yeah but you didn't say what time prick.
Vladimir Yakamura: I believe I did. Several times, Jewess
Princess Tofu: I forgot to set my atomic clock.
Vladimir Yakamura: atomic clocks set themselves.
Princess Tofu: Not this one. It runs on plutonium.
Vladimir Yakamura: I see
Princess Tofu: It's a bitch to get when you need more.
Princess Tofu: I'll have to start enriching my own.
Vladimir Yakamura: Cannot wait to see that
Princess Tofu: I'm going to use an easy bake oven i got from the iranians.
Vladimir Yakamura: Those crafty bastards.
Princess Tofu: Tasty treats and nuclear fuel. Who knew?!!!
Vladimir Yakamura: Probably our good friends, the Jews
Princess Tofu: That goes without saying.
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, go to bed
Princess Tofu: Thanks I think I will.
Princess Tofu: bye