Vlad: Happy Birthday to my cat!
Ilsa: yea!
Vlad: She didn't seem to care, but she enjoyed the birthday Greenies I tossed down.
Ilsa: Cats can be so oblivious
Vlad: Especially the skittish ones
Vlad: I'm bored.
Ilsa: you must be at work
Vlad: (sigh) yes
Ilsa: I'm catching up on phone calls, chasing my cat, and will be going to the gym and bank shortly, then working all afternoon
Vlad: Fun. I'm going to be killing time until 2:30
Ilsa: wow, then you have to go to the bank, right?
Vlad: No, I'm judging that business thing downtown
Ilsa: oh, right that nonsense is today
Vlad: yes. from 3pm 'til ???
Ilsa: yikes!
Vlad: I'm hoping it's only an hour or so
Ilsa: hope springs eternal
Vlad: as does my charm and tact, bitch
Ilsa: ummm, yeah
Vlad: If you stop by, you can get a cookie. M&M chocolate chip.
Ilsa: yummy
Ilsa: I have to clean litter boxes in a couple of minutes. Yuck! and do some other cleaning
Vlad: Awesome. Maybe if I have a housewarming, I should ask for a Roomba(tm) AND a Litter Robot(tm)
Ilsa: there you go
Vlad: http://www.litter-robot.com/default.aspx?ac=1
Ilsa: oh my god
Vlad: It's a self cleaning litter box. The only thing better would to have a maid to do if for you.
Ilsa: I really can't see my cats using that
Vlad: If you could convince them to use it, I think it would be amazing
Ilsa: yeah, but I don't see that happening
Vlad: I just wish it didn't cost $300
Ilsa: pricey and something my cats would be terrified of
Vlad: I bet Asha would freak out. Although it doesn't move or make noise until they've been out of the box for 10 minutes
Ilsa: I just think the opening is too small for Skittles even though he only weighs 10 lbs, he also the most skiddish cat in the world
Ilsa: well, speaking of litter boxes, I'd better get to cleaning these. I'll speak with you later. Update me on the owner's progress

Vlad: Hey Sweetpea
Ilsa: hey babydoll
Ilsa: what's new pussycat?
Vlad: Nothing. Got the inspection report and redid the offer
Ilsa: ah, did you already sent it off to the seller?
Vlad: Last night
Vlad: They must fix the electrical and the heating or it's no go
Ilsa: I'm sure they will because any other offer is going to come back the same
Vlad: Probably. I want them to fix it though, not try and discount me on the price.
Ilsa: Don't you have to leave work for a hair appointment right about now?
Vlad: I just got here
Vlad: I'm on call and got a call that woke me up last night. So I stayed in bed
Ilsa: was the call anything that you were really needed for or was it lame as usual?
Vlad: It was real, but guess who caused it by her complete lack of attention?
Ilsa: retardualon
Vlad: You would be wrong. Mommy.
Ilsa: that was my second guess
Vlad: stupid bitch
Ilsa: why don't you slap her?
Vlad: Man, I wish
Ilsa: let's make a voodoo doll
Vlad: too much work. let's burn her house down
Ilsa: hmmm, sounds fun
Vlad: I always enjoy a little pyromania
Ilsa: I can't do a lot of work right now because my printer's out of toner. I just ordered some more but it won't be here until tomorrow. So I'm just reviewing all of my files now.
Vlad: Review, review. I got the home inspection report emailed to me last night and I was going to print it out, but then I thought 'why waste my toner?' and did it this morning at work.
Ilsa: there you go
Vlad: Thanks. My business ethics course really stuck.
Ilsa: Dimitri really wants to meet you. Up until yesterday, he was under the impression that you were a tall blond Nordic guy
Vlad: Isn't that weird? That's what Pradeep always thought I looked like.
Ilsa: Seriously???
Vlad: Yes. Tall, stringy blonde hair. Like some stereotype geek from the movies
Ilsa: that is really weird. I don't know how either of them got that impression
Vlad: So, you two are still together, eh?
Ilsa: yes, and he wants me to meet his friends this weekend
Vlad: Remember, DO NOT make fake teeth out of an orange peel.
Ilsa: now you tell me, crap!!!!
Vlad: Oh no. Please tell me you didn't write a bunch of poems???
Ilsa: is that bad?
Vlad: Unless they're dirty limericks, yes.
Ilsa: man, next you're going to tell me that I shouldn't talk about my biological clock
Vlad: don't talk to me about biological clocks. I'm totally in the reproductive phase
Ilsa: Are my breasts too small? Should I be dumber?
Vlad: Yes to both.
Ilsa: Well I know choice but to go psycho bitch on your ass now
Ilsa: have no choice
Vlad: Go on, confront me. then cry.
Ilsa: no, I'm going to vent to the camera guy
Vlad: Come and take me out to lunch
Ilsa: now I can't, I am broke this week and will be next week as well
Vlad: Darn you.
Vlad: I will be broke for a long, long time probably
Ilsa: ain't it swell?
Vlad: I wrote a $500 check and then a $300 check.
Ilsa: been there my friend. My bar dues, mortgage, student loan, and liability ins premium are all due now
Vlad: bleah
Vlad: I don't even want to think about insurance
Ilsa: home owner's ins is cheap
Vlad: I guess. I'm totally going to get a second job. I want to pay off my car quicker
Ilsa: I know, Target
Vlad: Hell yeah. I guess there's one opening up near my new home in August.
Ilsa: awesome
Vlad: Or re-opening
Ilsa: oh???
Vlad: I guess it was one they demolished and rebuilt or something
Ilsa: the one on hwy 100? They're making it into a 2 story one
Vlad: Ohhh, baby
Vlad: two stories of bargains
Ilsa: yeah. fun and they have these conveyors that pull your cart up to the 2nd floor
Vlad: I might go to the opening and cry
Ilsa: it is quite overwhelming
Vlad: I don't know where Mike is. I was going to see what the lunch plans were
Ilsa: bastard. Tell him to take us both out to lunch or I won't tell him what I hid in his house
Vlad: I don't know where he is
Ilsa: he left
Vlad: I need to find the most disgusting, nastiest generic cookies I can to bring in tomorrow for Asha's birthday.
Ilsa: Go to Wal-Mart
Vlad: No way. Not even for a joke.
Ilsa: well I'm sure they'd have disgusting cookies
Vlad: Yes, but I don't want cooties
Ilsa: wear a hazmat suit
Vlad: heh
Ilsa: okay, I have to do some work now. I'll talk to you later. Good luck on your lunch quest
Vlad: Hang on
Vlad: We're leaving to go to Hector's right now!
Ilsa: cool
Vlad: Show up if you want...
Ilsa: thanks but I am seriously broke now
Vlad: I'll cover you
Ilsa: seriously?
Vlad: sure, i'm easy
Ilsa: cool. I'll call you on your cell?
Vlad: ok
Vlad: we're leaving now
Vlad: bye

Vladimir: What are you doing up?
Princess Tofu: I was working overtime.
Vladimir: should I sing the theme to '9 to 5'?
Princess Tofu: What's the good word on the house?
Vladimir: It has a portal to another dimension in the basement that will suck out your soul.
Princess Tofu: What does that mean?
Vladimir: For you, nothing, being without a soul and all
Princess Tofu: Our you a happy homeowner?
Princess Tofu: Try that again....Are you a happy homeowner?
Vladimir: So far
Princess Tofu: Did everything go through with the paperwork?
Vladimir: I had the inspection and now we've added an addendum for them to fix things. We'll see if they say yes or go fuck yourself
Princess Tofu: What seems to be the biggest problem?
Vladimir: Upstairs electrical box - good. Downstairs electrical box - bad. Downstairs furnace - good. Upstairs furnace - bad.
Princess Tofu: Groovetastic!
Vladimir: garage roof will need replacing withing two years. The 'good' furnace will need replacing in two years. Both water heaters are as old as you.
Vladimir: The basement utility sink is missing a hot water handle and the cold side is leaking like crazy.
Vladimir: The upstairs apartment is a total pit. Which has nothing to do with the inspection but is worth noting. The bathtub is all rusted and needs to be reglazed or even replaced real bad.
Princess Tofu: So what basically would be the good part of the inspection?
Vladimir: The main roof is good. the basement is dry, the foundation is good.
Princess Tofu: There probably is a body buried in the backyard!
Vladimir: The garage door opener safety pressure feature works and is very sensitive
Vladimir: I hope so
Princess Tofu: Great so everytime you sneeze the garage door opens.
Vladimir: No, it just means I can't 'accidentally' crush any neighbor kids
Princess Tofu: Dammit!
Vladimir: I know
Princess Tofu: maybe you could fix that!
Vladimir: My addendum is asking them to fix the electrical box for the main unit and the furnace (or both furnaces if the heating/cooling specialst says so)
Princess Tofu: You'll deal with the bad tub and the rest?
Vladimir: Yes, that's not part of the inspection, just my own revulsion
Vladimir: there are no closets in the upstairs unit
Princess Tofu: Crap that sucks!
Vladimir: For him, yes
Vladimir: I'm already spending tons of money in my head to actually make the place livable. I'm totally going to get a second job.
Princess Tofu: Pimping or whoring?
Vladimir: How much is a furnace, anyway?
Princess Tofu: 2000 to 3000 dollars. It kind of depends on your setup. If you were ever thinking of central air that is generally when they like to do that sort of thing.
Vladimir: Well, unless someone else is paying for the central air, I think I'd just stick with a furnace.
Princess Tofu: Pussy!
Vladimir: Give me some central air money, bitch
Princess Tofu: I mean they kind of set it up to go in case you decide to do it in the future asshole!
Princess Tofu: And I find your tone very unpleasent!
Vladimir: Whatever, tramptastic
Princess Tofu: You are not a people person are you?
Vladimir: Any money I spend is going to be to fix the upstairs so I can charge more in rent
Vladimir: And I am a people person, you stupid fucking whore
Princess Tofu: you should add an addition on the roof for closet space.
Vladimir: I think I'm going to expand the living room into the 'bonus room' to make one big room
Vladimir: and maybe then expand the main bedroom out to make a closet
Princess Tofu: interesting.
Vladimir: Of course, this all happens when I get an extra $30000 dollars lying around
Princess Tofu: why you can pick it off the money tree in my backyard.
Vladimir: Sweet! Thanks!
Princess Tofu: I know. After you get your mortgage, apply for a home equity loan.
Vladimir: Sure, cuz I have an extra $500 a month lying around to repay it
Princess Tofu: Send some my way moneybags!
Vladimir: After I pay off my car, I'll have some extra each month
Princess Tofu: How long will it take to pay off your car? What do you owe?
Vladimir: I owe $6999 as of last statement
Princess Tofu: What's your payment like?
Vladimir: 250 per month
Princess Tofu: That's not too bad. How much did you pay for that car?
Vladimir: 11000
Princess Tofu: Really?
Vladimir: yes
Vladimir: 2500 cash back
Princess Tofu: Wow!
Princess Tofu: My car was like 16,750.
Vladimir: good lord
Princess Tofu: That was after cash back and everything.
Vladimir: I just want to pay it off so I have the extra cash every month
Princess Tofu: They screwed me up the ass, but, needed a car. That was when the sob totaled my other car.
Princess Tofu: God I can remember when I bought my first Mazda truck. It was 7200.00 with air.
Vladimir: I love air
Princess Tofu: I'd rather have air than seats.
Princess Tofu: I'd kneel if I had to.
Vladimir: well, now, not me
Princess Tofu: Okay Princess.
Vladimir: up yours, love lumps
Princess Tofu: My so sensitive. It must be close to lunch.
Vladimir: I just got here
Princess Tofu: shut up!
Vladimir: I'm on call and was paged last night. So I slept in.
Princess Tofu: Those absolute bastards!
Vladimir: I know. Blame mommy, it was her fucking mistake
Princess Tofu: What did she do now?
Princess Tofu: Or should I say not do.
Vladimir: brb
Vladimir: She, as usual, has no attention to detail
Princess Tofu: Tell me something new.
Vladimir: My urine candy bucket has Hershey's miniatures in it
Princess Tofu: Unwrap them. Or better yet, get some tootsie rolls and unwrap them.
Vladimir: Ok...
Princess Tofu: Too bad you couldn't make some lemon jello in there and add some unwrapped tootsie rolls.
Vladimir: thanks. are you 7?
Princess Tofu: mentally.
Vladimir: I knew it
Princess Tofu: eat me!
Vladimir: I have to go. Talk to you later.
Princess Tofu: Bye.

Princess Tofu: What up G?
Vladimir Yakamura: Ran some errands. Now drinking Kool-Aid(tm)
Princess Tofu: you lucky bastard! I'm drinking some lovely diet green tea with citrus.
Vladimir Yakamura: I just bought sugar-free Tropical Punch Kool-Aid(tm)
Vladimir Yakamura: and forgot my diet, caffeine-free Dr. Pepper(r)
Princess Tofu: You need to write little lists for yourself. You know, getting a little older, a little forgetful!
Vladimir Yakamura: Actually, I didn't get it right away, because I didn't have a cart, just one of those little baskets and wanted to finish everything else before I grabbed the soda.
Vladimir Yakamura: Then, a new lane opened up and I was so giddy, I forgot the soda.
Vladimir Yakamura: But I have water, milk and now Kool-Aid(tm)
Princess Tofu: Well that covers the basics.
Vladimir Yakamura: So does Fun with Dick and Jane.
Princess Tofu: I don't want to hear about your sordid afternoon activities!
Vladimir Yakamura: See the neighbors! Hi neighbors. Hear the neighbors fight. Fight, fight. Watch me moving out of this dump and leaving the trashy neighbors behind. Move, move.
Princess Tofu: Look dick look. See the city condemn. Condemn city condemn. Look at the landlord. See him in jail. naughty landlord!
Vladimir Yakamura: He's a troll. What can you expect from a Troll?
Princess Tofu: I never got the joy of meeting the troll.
Vladimir Yakamura: You shouldn't unless you're wearing class 7 armor or above. Or unless you're protected by a cloak of the elves.
Princess Tofu: Or the Nipples of Danger!
Vladimir Yakamura: Or the Codpiece of Rightousness
Princess Tofu: Or the Singing sword of Despair!
Vladimir Yakamura: I think that's around here somewhere...
Vladimir Yakamura: I thought it was the groaning sword
Vladimir Yakamura: no, the droning sword!
Princess Tofu: Yes, droning sword!
Vladimir Yakamura: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Princess Tofu: Exactly!
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, you are the Funkiller
Princess Tofu: Hell yeah G!
Vladimir Yakamura: I was telling whatever-her-name is about calling this place Casa Despair. Where dreams go to die.
Princess Tofu: What did she say?
Vladimir Yakamura: She laughed.
Vladimir Yakamura: She asked about what stuff he's fixed and what stuff he's left.
Princess Tofu: That's cause she doesn't live here anymore!
Vladimir Yakamura: She's moving to Minnesota in August
Princess Tofu: I'm sure nothing was fixed from the time she left.
Princess Tofu: Why Minnesota?
Vladimir Yakamura: He must have slapped some paint in the bathroom.
Vladimir Yakamura: She digs Prince.
Princess Tofu: Then why don't you marry her!
Vladimir Yakamura: Why?
Princess Tofu: You like Prince. You both shared the same hellish abode. It seems like fate.
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, Prince is a sexy mother fucker.
Princess Tofu: I hear that!
Vladimir Yakamura: She's getting divorced from her husband and she likes the Minnesota school system better than ours.
Princess Tofu: Really?
Princess Tofu: Was she married to him when she lived in the Domicile of Disaster?
Vladimir Yakamura: I don't think so. Not sure.
Vladimir Yakamura: I just sent Mike a text message "Man, these sheets are so soft."
Princess Tofu: What the hell is it with the sheets?
Vladimir Yakamura: Implying I'm in his bed
Princess Tofu: Sweet!
Vladimir Yakamura: Would you ever sleep on flannel sheets?
Princess Tofu: I have flannel sheets. I love them. They are a little bit toasty though.
Vladimir Yakamura: Bleah. The very thought makes me sweat
Vladimir Yakamura: I want to buy some new sheets. I saw a groovy orange set at Bed Bath Linens and Stuff
Princess Tofu: Orange?
Princess Tofu: How Gay!
Vladimir Yakamura: Up. Yours.
Princess Tofu: Thank you.
Vladimir Yakamura: My favorite colors are green and orange
Princess Tofu: How sunkist of you.
Vladimir Yakamura: Not together, though
Vladimir Yakamura: I'll probably paint my bedroom green
Vladimir Yakamura: a nice cool light green. but not too cold.
Princess Tofu: I love to paint! You supply the pizza and i'm there!
Vladimir Yakamura: You do realize what I have to start doing, don't you?
Princess Tofu: What?
Vladimir Yakamura: C'mon, guess
Princess Tofu: Let's see..........PACK!
Vladimir Yakamura: I feel like just leaving it all here and starting over.
Princess Tofu: I'm sure that's got my name written all over it!
Vladimir Yakamura: Lot's of it is still in boxes, but I did have to open some to find some stuff. I'll have to drag all of the open ones out, repack them or do it over.
Vladimir Yakamura: All the books are still packed. The CDs, the DVDS
Vladimir Yakamura: The glassware (probably all broken by now) and all my dishes.
Princess Tofu: That's not so bad!
Vladimir Yakamura: I'll finally have more than one plate, one bowl, two forks a spoon and a knife.
Vladimir Yakamura: fuck, I forgot to show you my new chopsticks
Princess Tofu: Hooray for cutlery!
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, hooray for being able to have more than one person over to my house at a time.
Princess Tofu: What does the tub look like in the bathroom at your "New House"?
Vladimir Yakamura: Just a regular old tub
Vladimir Yakamura: It's a nice bathroom
Princess Tofu: Not like the shit hole you are leaving!
Vladimir Yakamura: Shit hole isn't quite strong enough for this place. The decor, the windows, the hole in the ceiling, the parking, the neighbors. they all come together to make an exciting melange of depression and hopelessness.
Princess Tofu: Just the description of it sucks out my very will to live!
Vladimir Yakamura: as if you had one before
Princess Tofu: I'm just saying.........
Vladimir Yakamura: I need some music
Princess Tofu: Something swinging!
Vladimir Yakamura: no, Music
Princess Tofu: Que?
Vladimir Yakamura: Music
Princess Tofu: Madonna?
Vladimir Yakamura: Oh yeah, baby
Vladimir Yakamura: Hey Mr. DJ, put a record on. I want to dance with my baby.
Princess Tofu: Sweet!
Princess Tofu: So what else are you planning to do with your day?
Vladimir Yakamura: Probably going to go watch some movies
Princess Tofu: Where?
Vladimir Yakamura: In my spacious home theatre
Princess Tofu: You're giddy with the taste of freedom!
Vladimir Yakamura: I have some borrowed DVDs I should watch. War of the Worlds and some Chinese crap
Princess Tofu: Does it actually say Chinese Crap on it?
Vladimir Yakamura: Yes. But in Chinese
Princess Tofu: Then how do you know it says "crap"?
Vladimir Yakamura: I read Chinese
Princess Tofu: My ass!
Vladimir Yakamura: Guess who's autobiography I checked out from the library?
Princess Tofu: Who?
Vladimir Yakamura: Wagner.
Princess Tofu: Robert?
Vladimir Yakamura: Yes, he confesses to pushing Natalie Wood off that boat. And he totally did Stefanie Powers.
Princess Tofu: See, I knew it! Bastard!
Princess Tofu: Oh you are talking about the nazi loving wagner!
Vladimir Yakamura: You betcha
Vladimir Yakamura: tranlated from the original German. It's as big as an encyclopedia
Princess Tofu: So was Mein Kampf.
Vladimir Yakamura: Of course it was wordy. What else did he have to do in prison?
Princess Tofu: Yeah, but, it was also boring trite shit!
Vladimir Yakamura: Let's get the audiobook version!
Princess Tofu: The only thing that would have made it better is if he would of illustrated it with some of his awful art.
Vladimir Yakamura: just like john wayne gacy
Princess Tofu: I wonder who would read the audiobook version?
Vladimir Yakamura: Werner Klemperer
Vladimir Yakamura: or is he dead?
Vladimir Yakamura: heh, it certainly won't be read by Aaron Spelling.
Princess Tofu: No! He's still alive and very much a Jew.
Vladimir Yakamura: He's a dead Jew.
Princess Tofu: No! werner Klemperer is a live Jew!
Princess Tofu: Aaron spelling is a dead jew!
Vladimir Yakamura: I meant Aaron. Werner did play a Nazi on tv. He's probably ok with doing the audiobook.
Princess Tofu: He did escape from a concentration camp as a Jungen!
Vladimir Yakamura: Someone has recorded it
Princess Tofu: Who?
Vladimir Yakamura: No one I've heard of
Princess Tofu: A Nazi!
Vladimir Yakamura: Robert Donald
Princess Tofu: It's a code name.
Vladimir Yakamura: for Goebbels?
Princess Tofu: Yes!
Vladimir Yakamura: sweet
Princess Tofu: Burned in fire my ass!
Vladimir Yakamura: I have to show you my new chopsticks
Princess Tofu: Maybe they added a little subliminal sex to it to make it interesting.
Vladimir Yakamura: but none of that homo sex. Hitler hated that.
Princess Tofu: True enough!
Princess Tofu: What's the story with the chopsticks?
Vladimir Yakamura: They are spring-loaded. They look like huge clothespins
Princess Tofu: Shut up!
Vladimir Yakamura: I will not!
Princess Tofu: Where did you get them?
Vladimir Yakamura: CB2
Princess Tofu: What the hell is that?
Vladimir Yakamura: Some crate and barrel thingy
Princess Tofu: Did you order on line or buy in a store?
Vladimir Yakamura: Online
Vladimir Yakamura: They only have CB2 stores in Chicago
Princess Tofu: How much?
Vladimir Yakamura: $3.95 each
Princess Tofu: Plastic?
Vladimir Yakamura: Yep. Dishwasher safe
Vladimir Yakamura: green, red, orage, black.
Princess Tofu: Wild!
Vladimir Yakamura: and so Asian
Princess Tofu: Yes indeedy!
Vladimir Yakamura: I might use a pair tonight for my lo mein
Princess Tofu: Lovely! I'm jealous!
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm going to have to find a new Chinese delivery place near my new house. And a new pizza place.
Princess Tofu: God I hope there is something!
Vladimir Yakamura: And map out the closest Target and Pick N Save.
Princess Tofu: There is a pick N save on 70th and greenfield.
Vladimir Yakamura: Schweet!
Princess Tofu: Not so sure about the Target. They are remodeling the one on 108th street.
Vladimir Yakamura: You know how we were lauging about the "buy a new air conditioner, find a house" thing?
Princess Tofu: They do have a Giant farmers market in west allis. It 's south of greenfield.
Vladimir Yakamura: I know, I saw it yesterday
Princess Tofu: Schweet!
Princess Tofu: What about the air conditioner?
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, my other thing is I've always said that as soon as I buy a house in West Allis or Bay View, I'd get a job downtown. I guess that means this week I'm getting a job offer.
Princess Tofu: Why down town?
Vladimir Yakamura: Because I no longer live 5 minutes away.
Princess Tofu: What?
Vladimir Yakamura: Nothing. Nevermind.
Princess Tofu: 5 minutes away from which job? The one you have now?
Vladimir Yakamura: Forget it. I'll explain in person sometime.
Princess Tofu: My head hurts now!
Vladimir Yakamura: Awesome. I'm going to go watch some bad tv now.
Princess Tofu: Wonderful! Enjoy!
Vladimir Yakamura: Thanks. Seeya.
Princess Tofu: Jai Jen!

Vladimir: searching for adult auction sites?
Ilsa: perhaps you have me confused with you
Vladimir: I'm confused a lot
Ilsa: that's the skuttle-butt. Dimitri just called, he's going to be home in about an hour
Vladimir: good
Ilsa: yeah, but now he wants to see me earlier
Vladimir: damn him
Ilsa: I know
Vladimir: tell him you're washing your hair
Ilsa: then he'd just want to help
Vladimir: tell him you have to go shopping for a birthday gift for a cat
Ilsa: give it a rest or the intervention is happening
Vladimir: I'm just giving you some clever excuses
Ilsa: and clever they are
Vladimir: tell him you have to go to the inner city to score some drugs
Ilsa: I'm going to tell him that I used to be a man
Vladimir: I thought that was true?
Ilsa: yes, but I'll tell him
Vladimir: film it

Vladimir: say something funny
Ms Fujimoto: something funny
Vladimir: Ha. Ha. Ha.
Ms Fujimoto: what's up, buttercup?
Vladimir: Nothing at all, sugar-lumps
Vladimir: Wishing I was somewhere fun
Ms Fujimoto: well, if it helps, I'm still dealing w/that HOC cluster-fuck
Vladimir: It's the fun that never ends
Ms Fujimoto: so, Dimitri left me a message last night that he's going to try to convince everyone to come back today
Vladimir: Can't handle the wilderness, eh? What a little girl.
Ms Fujimoto: no, he goes every year, apparently, he's missing me too much
Vladimir: Now I'm going to barf
Ms Fujimoto: what can I say, I got skillz
Vladimir: Whatever. And don't call me Shirley.
Ms Fujimoto: too late
Vladimir: Hey guess what was on last night? "I like you. Let's make out."
Ms Fujimoto: on lifetime?
Vladimir: Yes, television for bitches
Ms Fujimoto: explains why you were watching, okay?
Vladimir: What? Oh, I get it. You're calling me a bitch. How droll. NOT!
Ms Fujimoto: your witty barbs cut me deeply
Vladimir: Thanks. My tongue is listed with the government as a deadly-force weapon.
Ms Fujimoto: is that all?
Vladimir: And my liver
Ms Fujimoto: my associates are rubbing all over me
Vladimir: I think it's time for another sexual harrassment seminar.
Vladimir: Happy Birthday to someone tomorrow.
Ms Fujimoto: ooohhh, I just got a call from the ct, the DA said they're dismissing the case against one of my clients this afternoon. Yea!
Ms Fujimoto: oh, happy Bday to the kitty
Vladimir: You're welcome. I bribed someone.
Ms Fujimoto: it was a piece of crap case, I sent them a bunch of info but the DA said he wasn't going to dismiss it despite the info. I wonder what changed
Vladimir: My suitcase full of benjamins
Ms Fujimoto: hehe
Ms Fujimoto: what's for lunch?
Vladimir: I have no idea. I might convince the boss to go out drinking. Neither of us wants to be here.
Vladimir: Maybe Hectors. Margaritas or a frosty cold beer.
Vladimir: Oh, and food.
Ms Fujimoto: who are you kidding, you're not going to go drinking
Vladimir: I'd have a margarita if I'm not the one driving
Vladimir: but a real margarita not strawberry or as I like to call it "too sweet vomit in a glass"
Ms Fujimoto: I like strawberry, I guess I won't be joining you guys for a pitcher
Vladimir: Strawberry is so gross
Ms Fujimoto: WHATEVER!!!!
Vladimir: I just confirmed it. Hectors it is! Olé!
Ms Fujimoto: So, what time are we meeting? Convince him to take the whole afternoon and I'll meet you after court
Vladimir: I'm pushing for sometime after noon, so that I 'conveniently' miss a 1pm retarded meeting
Vladimir: But we do have to come back.
Ms Fujimoto: crap
Vladimir: Don't be a hater.
Ms Fujimoto: Not a hater, just sad
Vladimir: Listen to some Enya
Ms Fujimoto: Do you hate me?
Vladimir: right this second? I'd say I'm at hate level blue
Ms Fujimoto: hmm, not familiar with that level
Vladimir: And what's wrong with Enya? I'm listening to her dulcet tones right now.
Ms Fujimoto: this is where I say, vomit
Vladimir: I like Enya. 'Cuz I'm a blonde!
Ms Fujimoto: alrighty then
Vladimir: I'm listening to it right now. It's an honor I'll remember for as long as I can
Ms Fujimoto: Ah, so are you sad about Cameron & Justin moving to Splittsvile?
Vladimir: Yes, that's why I was listening to Enya.
Ms Fujimoto: well, which is it? Julie Brown or Enya?
Vladimir: "was"
Vladimir: Now it's Depeche Mode's remake of Route 66
Ms Fujimoto: me likey
Vladimir: Soundtrack from Earth Girls Are Easy
Ms Fujimoto: I didn't realize that was on there
Vladimir: Yes it is.
Ms Fujimoto: I'm gonna sign off. Talk to ya later

Vladimir: Did you get my message?
Ilsa: yup.
Vladimir: sweet
Ilsa: did you buy underware too
Vladimir: nah
Ilsa: what are you doing tonight?
Vladimir: crying. Making sloppy joe mix for the weekend
Vladimir: cursing the idiots I'm forced to work with.
Ilsa: why what's going on this weekend?
Vladimir: Nothing. Just making food in advance. That's good Home Economics
Ilsa: I see. What was your meeting about today? What did you do for lunch?
Vladimir: I went to Taco Bell on the way back from Target.
Ilsa: that's sad
Vladimir: I enjoyed it. It was cheap and filling. And I couldn't be gone for hours and hours.
Ilsa: okay, someone's a little defensive
Vladimir: CRAM IT! I got my headset for $7.99
Ilsa: alrighty
Vladimir: It's silver. Ooooh
Ilsa: most impressive but won't that make it even more tempting for the cats?
Vladimir: I'm hiding it when not in use
Vladimir: much like the booze and sex toys
Ilsa: very good plan
Ilsa: I cannot stay motivated to work anymore today. Perhaps I should just give up?
Vladimir: Sure, what the hell
Vladimir: I gave up several hours ago
Ilsa: I did have a very productive morning
Vladimir: I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Vladimir: checked my email
Vladimir: had a meeting
Ilsa: I'm hungry now
Vladimir: I'm not. I'm full. What? Full from a value menu?
Vladimir: Did you get it? I was doing the Taco Bell commercial.
Ilsa: oh, sorry I was dealing w/ a major screw-up. Yes, yes, very funny
Ilsa: yeah, the HOC released my client when they weren't supposed and he called me because he tried to report and they said they don't have any paperwork
Vladimir: what a bunch of losers
Ilsa: then they had the nerve to ask me why he left. Because you told him told asshole
Vladimir: did they take him back into custody
Ilsa: no, he just called me, they turned him away att CCC, they said they didn't have any paperwork. I had to call the court, now they're going to call me back
Vladimir: I'm listening to Thriller
Vladimir: the song, not the album
Vladimir: it's online, not my choice
Ilsa: can you believe these jerks and they have the nerve to ask me why he didn't say anything? I said he did, how is going to force them not to release him? He's trying to do right
Vladimir: No, no, please let me stay in jail
Ilsa: I know, what a bunch of morons. Half the people that escape just walk through the front door
Ilsa: So, is Connie Chung on drugs?
Vladimir: probably
Vladimir: wouldn't you be if you were married to Maury?
Ilsa: true
Vladimir: What's for din-din on your end?
Ilsa: don't know yet. Gotta sign off, I'll call you in a few?

Ilsa: hey, baby
Vlad: about time someone's online
Ilsa: I've been sooooo busy
Vlad: Doing your nails? Watching Oprah? Eating BonBons?
Ilsa: defending the wrongly accused
Vlad: Mmmmm, bonbons. I want some ice cream
Ilsa: sounds yummy
Vlad: wrongly accused, eh?
Ilsa: weeeeelll
Vlad: I think you mean unfortunately caught and accused
Ilsa: something like that. I am soooo hungry
Vlad: You can run over and have one of the cats birthday doughnuts. I brought them in this morning
Ilsa: hehe. Where'd you get them?
Vlad: Gas station
Vlad: It's a Hostess assorted pack
Ilsa: aww, the sucky kind. I need chicken or something anyway
Vlad: Well, there is no Dunkin Donuts near here
Vlad: I was going to get cupcakes from Pick N Save, but I was dragging my ass this morning
Ilsa: there's a Krispy Kreme
Vlad: barf-o-rama
Vlad: I have to shopping after work and pick up some foodstuffs
Ilsa: I have to pass out
Vlad: If you'd stop drinking your lunch...
Ilsa: yeah, yeah. What are you making us for dinner?
Vlad: well, if we go by what I have in my house, boxed macaroni & cheese with crackers and pepper jack cheese as an appetizer
Vlad: annnnnnnnnnnd water!
Ilsa: no, what are you getting us at the store?
Vlad: peanut butter cup ice cream
Vlad: ground turkey
Ilsa: hmm, I'd like salmon with a mango chutney
Vlad: I should make sloppy joes
Ilsa: that works too
Vlad: mango chutney? excuse me while i vomit
Ilsa: you should see someone about that
Vlad: what? my aversion to pretentious food?
Vlad: Maybe I'll buy some tuna for a cat birthday treat
Ilsa: oh, you like your share of pretentious food
Ilsa: any word from the parents?
Vlad: I'm all over the caviar
Vlad: nope
Ilsa: that was fun on Sunday
Vlad: It was awesome! It makes me dream even harder of home ownership
Ilsa: yes, friends dropping in for an impromptu dinner and drinks. I like that, it makes me feel like a grown-up
Vlad: I'll never feel grown up.
Vlad: I'm totally faking it now
Ilsa: Any luck on the internet search?
Vlad: Not really. I think I'm going to leave soon
Ilsa: k
Vlad: Hit the Walgreens and Pick N Save
Ilsa: cool, my tv downstairs died yesterday
Vlad: Then run home to sing happy birthday to my cat
Vlad: died?
Ilsa: yup, nothing
Vlad: that blows
Ilsa: I know
Vlad: They have lots of sales on those, though. You can get a nice big one for well under $200. I got mine for like $130 at Best Buy
Ilsa: yeah, well I don't have any discretionary money right now
Vlad: Hook
Ilsa: Great idea
Vlad: You gotta find a sugar daddy
Ilsa: I know, I think I'll do that tonight
Vlad: Hitting Victor's are we?
Ilsa: yes
Vlad: Sweet
Ilsa: a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do
Vlad: Been there
Ilsa: hehe
Vlad: Get a part-time job at Target
Ilsa: ummm, no
Vlad: Burger King? I think the one near me is hiring
Ilsa: If push comes to shove, I'll do the rose thing
Vlad: Buy a webcam and a faster web connection and do live sex shows from your bedroom
Ilsa: well, there is always that but I'll have to wait until Dimitri gets back
Vlad: girl on girl makes more
Ilsa: yeah, you're right
Vlad: I think there are auction sites where you can sell off used underwear
Ilsa: OMG!!!!!
Vlad: You could make a fortune. Note to self: Look those sites up when I get home
Ilsa: Awesome. Are you gonna be around later tonight?
Vlad: probably.
Ilsa: call me
Vlad: Oh, I will
Ilsa: oh, it's already brought
Vlad: yeah, ok. bye
Ilsa: bye

Princess Tofu: Hey cutie pie!
Vladimir Yakamura: I prefer to think of myself as classically handsome
Princess Tofu: Okay if you say so.
Vladimir Yakamura: I do, actually. I say it often.
Princess Tofu: It's good to believe in yourself.
Vladimir Yakamura: Are you going to break out into a Celine Dion song?
Princess Tofu: Of course.
Vladimir Yakamura: thank heaven I'm miles away
Princess Tofu: snot
Vladimir Yakamura: Whatever. Pucker up, buttercup
Princess Tofu: What are you doing now?
Vladimir Yakamura: Trading half-hearted insults with a borderline half-wit
Vladimir Yakamura: And I just loaded up Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" remix
Princess Tofu: Sweet!
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm shaking my groove thang all over the room
Princess Tofu: Really!?!?
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, metaphorically
Princess Tofu: What else are you doing?
Vladimir Yakamura: How many things should I be doing at once?
Princess Tofu: Multitask
Vladimir Yakamura: Talking to you and listening to music. that's mulitple things
Princess Tofu: whatever
Vladimir Yakamura: If you don't like it, you can just come down here and smooch my big ole white butt.
Princess Tofu: Lovely!
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm quoting from Ferris Bueller today
Princess Tofu: Wonderful!
Vladimir Yakamura: what a little bitch
Vladimir Yakamura: sorry, what a little asshole
Princess Tofu: I have never been little.
Princess Tofu: Except when i was born. and that didn't last long.
Vladimir Yakamura: This song is 9 minutes 34 seconds long
Princess Tofu: Jesus. Almost as long as the movie!
Vladimir Yakamura: Never saw it
Vladimir Yakamura: won't see it
Princess Tofu: Didn't miss anything.
Vladimir Yakamura: I saw the clip where Leonardo lets go of the ice and drowns. I laughed.
Princess Tofu: Well, Billy Zane with a bad wig.
Vladimir Yakamura: was he naked?
Princess Tofu: No, darn it.
Vladimir Yakamura: eh, then who cares
Princess Tofu: Leonardo was naked.
Vladimir Yakamura: ugh. great
Princess Tofu: he's got the shape of a 10 year old.
Vladimir Yakamura: If I want to see skinny naked boys, I'll hang out in a middle school locker room
Princess Tofu: nice. you are going to hell for that.
Vladimir Yakamura: You didn't let me finish
Vladimir Yakamura: I was going to say either hang out in a middle school locker room or your house every Thursday night
Princess Tofu: Fuck you dear!
Vladimir Yakamura: It was clearly a joke, love lumps
Princess Tofu: So you say.
Vladimir Yakamura: Neither of us hangs out with naked middle-school boys
Princess Tofu: Hell, I can't even hang out with naked middle school teachers.
Vladimir Yakamura: That's just nasty. Unless they're hot
Princess Tofu: Now you're talking!
Vladimir Yakamura: Go Brittney!
Princess Tofu: Did you see the story about the teacher's aid in racine? She was screwing two 15 year olds and one is the father of her child. What a horse.
Vladimir Yakamura: It's like an epidemic recently
Princess Tofu: Yes, and none of them are too pretty. what gives? Have we really lowered our kid s standards that much?
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, at 15 I guess hot loving is hot loving
Princess Tofu: eeeeewwwwww!
Vladimir Yakamura: whatever, sensitiva
Princess Tofu: The nazi farmer's memorial made national news.
Vladimir Yakamura: Fucking idiot
Princess Tofu: If they know he was a nazi volunteer, why didn't they arrest him?
Vladimir Yakamura: that's what I'd like to know. deport his sorry ass
Princess Tofu: Obviously they know what he did during the war.
Vladimir Yakamura: And he doesn't think the global conflict was really Hitler's fault
Vladimir Yakamura: He was a just a misunderstood artist
Princess Tofu: go figure
Princess Tofu: A shitty artist at that
Princess Tofu: making up for his "shortcomings" if you know what i mean
Vladimir Yakamura: well, let's be serious, the Jews had it coming
Princess Tofu: That's hard to argue.
Vladimir Yakamura: If they had just been less "Jew-y", Hitler would have probably left them alone
Princess Tofu: good point.
Vladimir Yakamura: He just got tired of the local bakery only carrying bagels instead of strudel. And if he had to hear "Oy Vey" one more time...
Princess Tofu: I think it was all the smoking and meat. You know Hitler.
Vladimir Yakamura: I thought he was a vegetarian?
Princess Tofu: That 's what I mean.
Vladimir Yakamura: that's always my reply to the nutty vegan and peta people. "I'm a vegetarian."
Vladimir Yakamura: "Yeah? So was Hitler."
Princess Tofu: Lovely!
Vladimir Yakamura: Ok sex kitten I have to go get ready for my day.
Princess Tofu: You have your house showing at 1:30 ?
Vladimir Yakamura: Yep
Vladimir Yakamura: Let's plan on 3 for party time
Princess Tofu: Sweet!
Vladimir Yakamura: That gives me time to write an offer if I like the place
Princess Tofu: Wonderful! bye
Vladimir Yakamura: bye

Vladimir: Hey freakshow
Ilsa: hey beaner
Vladimir: Offensive!
Ilsa: of course
Vladimir: I have another house appt tomorrow
Ilsa: do you think you'll be able to see the whole thing?
Vladimir: I hope so
Ilsa: where is it?
Vladimir: E Potter in Bay View
Ilsa: hmmm, not familiar with that street. What's the cross street?
Vladimir: I have no idea. Who am I? Rand McNally?
Ilsa: uh, yeah
Vladimir: It says KK north of Oklahoma to Potter
Vladimir: according to my sources it's down the street from the Bay View library and a McDonald's
Ilsa: all your essentials
Vladimir: I guess
Vladimir: As long as I'm close to a pick n save and a Target, I'm happy
Ilsa: that really is all that matters
Vladimir: What about peace and love?
Ilsa: screw that
Vladimir: I hear that, as long as I have hardwood floors!
Vladimir: and a Roomba
Ilsa: perhaps you can include a roomba clause in your offer
Vladimir: "Ilsa Fujimoto must supply one new, functioning Roomba, that she purchased from a reliable dealer and did not make herself."
Ilsa: ah, can't I make it myself?
Vladimir: Out of what?
Ilsa: I was thinking mache paper
Vladimir: papier mache?
Ilsa: yes, Mr. Pretentious
Vladimir: What. Ever.
Ilsa: bring it
Vladimir: It's already brought, wrapped and served up cold
Ilsa: Well, I got a fresh new can of whoop ass that I'm just dying to open
Vladimir: I doubt you could find the can opener required
Ilsa: I'll open it with my teeth
Vladimir: I'll pay to see that
Ilsa: cool, that's my next money-making venture
Vladimir: Mine is killer-for-hire
Ilsa: that's been done to death
Vladimir: was that a pun?
Ilsa: busted
Vladimir: that was awful
Ilsa: you laughed, admit it
Vladimir: actually, I was confused and had to think about it for a minute
Ilsa: have you gotten anything done today?
Vladimir: I just got up and have been looking at properties and chatting with people I thought were my friends before they got all catty on me.
Ilsa: me-owww
Vladimir: I'm getting up the strength to load up everything in the car and launder it
Ilsa: I give you credit. I remember hauling laundry, not fun
Vladimir: well, it has to be done. especially the bedding. and by bedding I mean cat-hair covered fabric
Ilsa: yes, yes, I hear ya. I'm just so grateful that I just have to march downstairs with mine. I actually like doing laundry, I just never liked it when it was an event, when I had to haul it
Vladimir: Yeah, I don't mind it, either. Especially in winter when you can hug the warm clothes from the dryer.
Ilsa: awwww
Vladimir: Happiness is a pair of warm socks from the dryer
Ilsa: or undies
Vladimir: I was quoting "Peanuts", so no mention of underthings there
Ilsa: that's true. Hey, when you get your house, you can fly your flags again
Vladimir: I gave those away
Ilsa: really? I didn't know that
Vladimir: yes, to Robin. She has a flag pole at her house
Ilsa: ahh
Ilsa: well, I think I'm going to do things backwards today. I think I'll clean during the day and do my legal work tonight. I'm in a cleaning mood all of a sudden.
Vladimir: I hardly ever have those
Ilsa: me too, so I should probably ride the wave
Vladimir: heh
Vladimir: ok, have fun
Ilsa: later? Call me tonight?
Vladimir: Hell to the yes. Or just yes.
Ilsa: hehe, okay, bye
Vladimir: bye

Princess Tofu: Who is Kristopher?
Vladimir: Uhh, some guy? Are you drunk?
Princess Tofu: No I'm reading your blog.
Vladimir: No idea what you're talking about. I vote drinking
Princess Tofu: No it's a lovely conversation between you and Ilsa about librady books and someone named Kristopher?
Vladimir: I don't know. I change names to protect me
Princess Tofu: From what?
Vladimir: I have no idea
Vladimir: what was I talking about?
Princess Tofu: I don't know I forgot!
Vladimir: I have no idea. I always change names so no one knows if I'm talking about them
Princess Tofu: Damn it's supposed to be hot tomorrow! The game place has no air conditioning!
Vladimir: Yes he does. He just doesn't like the clammy feel
Princess Tofu: bitch
Princess Tofu: It better be on tomorrow!
Vladimir: I'm sure it will be. Remember? Last time he asked us if he should turn it on.
Princess Tofu: I'm getting a yen to play "Run for your Life Candyman".
Vladimir: I'm getting a yen to kick your ass
Princess Tofu: save your strength. I've got a lot of ass to kick!
Vladimir: I take vitamins
Princess Tofu: Lots and Lots I hope!
Vladimir: Multivitamin
Princess Tofu: OOOOOOH fancy!
Vladimir: thanks. Target brand
Vladimir: compare ingredients to Centrum(tm) complete.
Princess Tofu: How informative.
Vladimir: thanks. so ask my why I hate people
Vladimir: sorry, ask me why I hate people
Princess Tofu: okay! Why do you hate people?
Vladimir: Cuz I was going to put in another offer on the house and they were like 'bite me' and I was all like 'bite me harder' and they were like 'real mature' and I was all 'I'm rubber, you're glue'
Princess Tofu: Really!?!
Vladimir: Well, sort of. Before I could put in another offer, their agent called my agent and said unless I was going to bid asking price, not to bother
Princess Tofu: Fuck her then!
Vladimir: Exactly. There are other fish in the sea. Better fish with fireplaces and refinished basements.
Princess Tofu: Maybe this is a sign.
Vladimir: Of what? That I'm doomed to live in Casa Despair for all of eternity?
Princess Tofu: Hope against hope!
Princess Tofu: That rathole is starting to grow on me like a fungus.
Vladimir: Fuck you. You can live here. I'm still house hunting
Princess Tofu: No thanks. I already have my time share in the 10th level of hell.
Vladimir: I thought you were tight with the owner?
Princess Tofu: I am. But her son is still fucking crazy. Oh, and they have started fighting again. I hope that means they are drinking again.
Vladimir: I meant the owner of hell
Princess Tofu: Whatever bitch!
Vladimir: Thanks. Talking to you always cheers me up.
Vladimir: So, anyway, say goodbye to 2825 S Craphole St
Princess Tofu: Goodbye crazy bitch!
Vladimir: I hope it burns down
Princess Tofu: Dreams can come true at a price.
Vladimir: I'll just sit at home and hope she gets the clap
Princess Tofu: She probably has the Syph, that's why she's crazy.
Vladimir: say hello to 2079 S Wonderbar Ave
Princess Tofu: Close to what street?
Vladimir: 25th and Becher
Princess Tofu: Oh God Help You!
Vladimir: why?
Princess Tofu: My barber used to have a shop on 28th and beecher. His windows were shot out twice, and someone was stabbed in the neck across the street in a fight.
Vladimir: Awesome!
Vladimir: I'm moving in right now!
Princess Tofu: It really all depends on how fast you can run from the car to the house!
Vladimir: attached garage
Princess Tofu: OOOH!
Princess Tofu: When are you going to look at it?
Vladimir: I don't know. As soon as I get an appointment. I might drive by it today
Princess Tofu: I had a friend I worked with who lived on 24th and beecher. a guy drove his car into her house.
Vladimir: and? how is her being a slut have any effect on me?
Princess Tofu: No! Real Car! Real house!
Vladimir: Again - and?
Vladimir: I'm not her.
Princess Tofu: Just making conversation you touchy whore!
Princess Tofu: It was a really nice house though.
Vladimir: This one looks nice in the picture
Vladimir: but thanks to you and your black crepe-paper attitude, I just called Nelson and said no to it.
Princess Tofu: Are h
Princess Tofu: are you kidding?
Vladimir: Nope
Vladimir: I'm moving on to E Potter Street in Bay View
Princess Tofu: Yeah!
Vladimir: fucking cunt receptionist
Princess Tofu: You'll be right down the block from McDonalds and the Library.
Vladimir: Nice!
Princess Tofu: What receptionist?
Vladimir: at the realty office
Princess Tofu: What's her problem?
Vladimir: "Your agent needs to make the appointment"
Vladimir: suck me
Princess Tofu: Whore!
Vladimir: I know.
Princess Tofu: What's the address of the agency? I'll go over there and kick her ass!
Vladimir: I don't know. I should find out and make harrassing phone calls
Princess Tofu: Sweet!
Vladimir: So, my agent is going to make me an appointment to see it tomorrow
Princess Tofu: Lovely!
Vladimir: It sounds nice. duplex
Princess Tofu: What else does the ad say about it?
Vladimir: I'll tell you in a minute when the report is finished
Princess Tofu: ok
Vladimir: I have a showing tomorrow at 1:30
Princess Tofu: Okay
Princess Tofu: What's the asking price?
Vladimir: One MILLION dollars
Princess Tofu: See if you can get a 200 year mortgage!
Vladimir: I am!
Vladimir: Ok, it's a duplex
Vladimir: HWFs, stained glass windows, garage, large fenced yard
Princess Tofu: I'm drooling already!
Vladimir: detached garage
Princess Tofu: ok
Vladimir: I have a living room, dining room, kitchen, master bedroom, 2nd bedroom
Vladimir: upstairs has living room, kitchen and two bedrooms
Princess Tofu: Is it occupied right now?
Vladimir: Owner occupied, I believe. That's why we have to give 24 hours notice
Princess Tofu: Is there someone upstairs?
Vladimir: No clue
Vladimir: I'll find out tomorrow
Princess Tofu: Yippy!
Vladimir: I saw one with a fireplace and got all excited, but there is already an offer on it. Then I found out the FP was electric, so I didn't give a shit anymore.
Vladimir: By the way, when I have my housewarming, I'm asking for a Roomba
Princess Tofu has been disconnected
Princess Tofu has reconnected
Princess Tofu: Freaking Msn!
Vladimir: maybe it's you
Princess Tofu: eat me
Vladimir: wow
Vladimir: did you get my last announcement?
Princess Tofu: No!
Vladimir: when I have my housewarming, I'm asking for a Roomba
Princess Tofu: Why not ask for a toaster oven and a blender while you're at it!
Vladimir: Depends on the room I have in whatever kitchen I get
Vladimir: If I had got the last place, only room for a microwave, nothing else
Princess Tofu: That won't do.
Vladimir: eh, I would have lived
Vladimir: especially with hardwood floors and a Roomba!
Princess Tofu: I'm getting giddy!
Vladimir: Somewhere the cats can scamper and play
Princess Tofu: And a little misty eyed.
Vladimir: I'm going to do some laundry
Princess Tofu: Hey, I have to go take a shower and get dressed. I'm going somewhere.
Vladimir: where are we going?
Princess Tofu: "We". Do you mean that in a regal sense?
Vladimir: sure, whatever. where?
Princess Tofu: Going to the movies with my parents.
Vladimir: You should blow them off and do laundry and lunch with me.
Princess Tofu: Don't you have to work?
Vladimir: I'm at home. Day off
Princess Tofu: I'll probably be home after 3pm. you want to go then?
Vladimir: don't you have to go to bed?
Princess Tofu: No not necessarily. Not really tired right now.
Vladimir: Well, I am doing all my clothes, plus sheets plus the cat-hair covered blankets. I want to do it during the day when there's plenty of washers and dryers
Princess Tofu: Hey it's up to you.
Vladimir: Thanks anyway, sweetpea
Vladimir: If you'd rather hang out with your parents then doing something fun, who am I to stop you?
Princess Tofu: You are not making me feel guilty. If you want to go later let me know. It won't be as hot later.
Vladimir: I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, just foolish
Princess Tofu: too late
Vladimir: I hear that
Princess Tofu: well, I have to go get ready now
Vladimir: me too
Vladimir: see you tomorrow afternoon
Princess Tofu: hugs and kisses! I hope it goes okay.
Vladimir: Me too. I'll give you the skinny tomorrow
Princess Tofu: Yay! bye

Princess Tofu: hey how's it going?
Vladimir: I just tried calling you
Princess Tofu: when?
Vladimir: 3 minutes ago
Princess Tofu: oh, that's who that was. I didn't recognize the number.
Vladimir: try turning on the answering machine
Princess Tofu: Blow me!
Vladimir: how dainty
Princess Tofu: I never said I was dainty! There is nothing dainty about me!
Vladimir: I'll second that emotion
Princess Tofu: What's up little man?
Vladimir: Nothing much. You?
Princess Tofu: just checking some email before I go beddy bye
Vladimir: How excitmental
Princess Tofu: I'm naked!
Vladimir: Me too
Princess Tofu: How does that work for you at work?
Vladimir: Keeps people away
Princess Tofu: I'll bet! Not that I mean that in a bad way!
Vladimir: Thanks. I know what you meant. And it hurts!
Princess Tofu: Soo Sorry!
Vladimir: No you're not
Princess Tofu: Yes I am bitch!
Vladimir: Sure, sure
Princess Tofu: I'm naked and crying right now!
Vladimir: I just yawned
Princess Tofu: Whatever!
Princess Tofu: What were you calling me about?
Vladimir: Now, cuz I'm bored
Vladimir: To hear your dulcet tones, of course
Princess Tofu: Drinking again i see.
Vladimir: Always
Princess Tofu: Try drowning your cornflakes in something other than scotch.
Vladimir: bourbon
Princess Tofu: Oh pardon me! Aren't we fancy all of a sudden!
Vladimir: I am fancy. I have to go to the vending machine and get some sparkling water
Princess Tofu: Right now?
Vladimir: Yes
Princess Tofu: ok. I'll wait.
Vladimir: still waiting?
Princess Tofu: Where did you go for that water? France?
Vladimir: they do make the best water
Princess Tofu: And stinky cheese.
Princess Tofu: And stinky french now that I think of it!
Vladimir: racist bitch
Princess Tofu: How is it racist if I am stating a fact?
Princess Tofu: Their cheese does smell.
Vladimir: cheesist
Princess Tofu: In fact I think their cheese smells because of the french. It kind of wears off on it.
Vladimir: I'm not a fan of the stinky cheese
Princess Tofu: I'm not a fan of the French.
Vladimir: the french don't bother me
Princess Tofu: Really! What about French Canadians?
Vladimir: Those are Candians, that's different
Princess Tofu: How so?
Vladimir: Candians suck
Princess Tofu: Is that he voice of experience?
Princess Tofu: Oh by the way, what is a Candian?
Vladimir: It's the people who live up your ass
Princess Tofu: If it was up my ass I would know.
Vladimir: Really?
Princess Tofu: What's the skinny on the house?
Princess Tofu: Yes, Bitch!
Princess Tofu: Right now I am talking to you, naked, eating peanuts in front of an open window scaring the neighbor kids. Life doesn't get much better than this. God, I love America!
Princess Tofu: OOOOH! My meds just kicked in!
Vladimir: hold on
Vladimir: I was talking on the phone
Vladimir: to a loser (client)
Princess Tofu: Damn you and your working!
Vladimir: The house thing is something I'll have to call you about. They sent me a counter "offer" whic is a complete joke
Princess Tofu: Bitches! Did you get your report from the city?
Vladimir: Nelson got all the stuff. This woman is just insane
Vladimir: Bonkers
Vladimir: Looopy
Vladimir: Nutsy
Princess Tofu: Really?
Vladimir: Verifiable
Princess Tofu: Lovely!
Vladimir: get off the line so I can call you
Princess Tofu: Okay!
Vladimir: this year

Mr Yakamura: Not going to say hello? Too good for me?
Ms Fujimoto: no, I was working on something and then I was going to im you. In fact, you just beat me to it
Mr Yakamura: Whatever. You bitches better recognize!
Ms Fujimoto: you better apologize to the hat
Mr Yakamura: I do. On a daily basis, in fact
Ms Fujimoto: any new on hasta la vista to casa despair?
Mr Yakamura: Not yet. I think we gave them until tomorrow in case there really was another offer pending, so they didn't just reject me outright hoping that the other bid would be their asking price
Ms Fujimoto: how exciting
Ms Fujimoto: did you know that K.Fed's heart is awesome?
Mr Yakamura: um, sure
Ms Fujimoto: that's what Britney says in her new interview
Mr Yakamura: what a 'tard
Ms Fujimoto: both of them
Mr Yakamura: yeah, but she married and got impregnated by him
Ms Fujimoto: 2x
Mr Yakamura: now i'm queasy
Ms Fujimoto: jungle love is on now
Mr Yakamura: let's catch jungle fever
Ms Fujimoto: you first
Mr Yakamura: too late
Mr Yakamura: what's on tap for today?
Ms Fujimoto: ct at 1:30. Gym tonight
Mr Yakamura: fan-tastic
Ms Fujimoto: yup & you?
Mr Yakamura: my laundry situation is getting desperate
Ms Fujimoto: yeah, you'd better get to it
Mr Yakamura: thanks, mom
Ms Fujimoto: whatever
Mr Yakamura: everything i own is covered in a layer of cat hair. how are they both not bald?
Ms Fujimoto: it is a mystery
Mr Yakamura: get on the case, Mrs. Fletcher!
Ms Fujimoto: I've retired
Mr Yakamura: Great, now I'll have to call in Dick Van Dyke
Ms Fujimoto: How does his hair stay sooooo white?
Mr Yakamura: Clorox
Ms Fujimoto: but you'd like it would yellow a bit
Mr Yakamura: I thought they made products to help with that?
Ms Fujimoto: You'll have to have him look into that, oh no that won't work. Who can we get to investigate him?
Mr Yakamura: The gang in the Mystery Machine?
Ms Fujimoto: no, potheads
Mr Yakamura: Nancy Drew and her friends, the fattie and the dyke?
Ms Fujimoto: I didn't know she had friends but I guess she'll do.
Mr Yakamura: Sure, Bess (fattie) and George (dyke)
Ms Fujimoto: hmmm, news to me
Mr Yakamura: plus her steady, non-sex having boyfriend, Ned
Ms Fujimoto: wow, you sure know a lot about Nancy Drew
Ms Fujimoto: have you been investigating her?
Mr Yakamura: You never read any of the books?
Ms Fujimoto: a long time ago, I don't remember any of the periferal characters
Mr Yakamura: I ready Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, Trixie Belden, Tom Swift Jr.
Ms Fujimoto: I read all of those except the Hardy Boys
Mr Yakamura: Those were boring. They were such lunkheads
Ms Fujimoto: yeah
Mr Yakamura: what's for lunch?
Ms Fujimoto: tuna salad
Ms Fujimoto: how bout you
Mr Yakamura: dunno
Mr Yakamura: maybe a sub sandwich
Mr Yakamura: I found out they opened a Thai/Chinese restaurant somewhere up Bluemound. With a lunch buffet.
Ms Fujimoto: You'll have to try it out and report back. How did you find out? Druve by?
Ms Fujimoto: drive
Mr Yakamura: I haven't druven in years
Mr Yakamura: I read about it in some magazine that was in Nelson's office
Mr Yakamura: Key Milwaukee or something
Ms Fujimoto: oh
Mr Yakamura: I wonder if it's where the old Thai's Kitchen used to be
Ms Fujimoto: that very well could be
Mr Yakamura: I know they were working on the building. making it all shiny and new
Ms Fujimoto: I'm bored
Mr Yakamura: As am I
Mr Yakamura: I'm actually thinking about asking if I can go back to the helpdesk 3rd shift
Ms Fujimoto: really
Mr Yakamura: yep. 15% premium
Ms Fujimoto: any music to im me?
Mr Yakamura: don't you subscribe to iTunes?
Ms Fujimoto: no, I get a free one every week but it's their pick, I ususally like it.
Mr Yakamura: They have sites where you pay a monthly fee and get unlimited downloads.
Ms Fujimoto: I know but I just wanted to know if you had anything cool for me
Mr Yakamura: not here
Mr Yakamura: i listen to the radio
Ms Fujimoto: whah
Mr Yakamura: the cool internet satellite radio
Ms Fujimoto: Let's go to La Perla
Mr Yakamura: sure
Ms Fujimoto: I am soooooooooo bored, I'm gonna start pole dancing
Mr Yakamura: for the cats?
Ms Fujimoto: for the boys. I feel it would be very patriotic
Mr Yakamura: in Iraq?
Ms Fujimoto: I was thinking at a military base in Hawaii
Mr Yakamura: Ahh. Good luck
Ms Fujimoto: thanks
Mr Yakamura: you have court later. that's something to look forward to
Ms Fujimoto: yeah, whoopdie do
Mr Yakamura: you get to argue with someone
Ms Fujimoto: not even, this is the case where my client has been deported and we're just trying to rule him out as the father so everyone can get on with their lives
Mr Yakamura: maybe someone will cry
Ms Fujimoto: besides me?
Mr Yakamura: hopefully
Ms Fujimoto: I need some more Latin music
Mr Yakamura: Ricky Martin?
Ms Fujimoto: noooo
Mr Yakamura: You don't want to live La Vida Loca?
Ms Fujimoto: who doesn't? I take that back, I used to live La Vida Loca but I'm too old now and I might break a hip
Mr Yakamura: I like Ricky Martin
Ms Fujimoto: I actually do but I'm thinking something not so loud
Mr Yakamura: I heart South American music
Ms Fujimoto: yes
Mr Yakamura: If I get this house I want a Roomba as a housewarming gift
Ms Fujimoto: good luck with that
Mr Yakamura: What? What's wrong with a Roomba?
Ms Fujimoto: nothing, I'm just not going to get it
Mr Yakamura: That's fine. No one said you had to do anything
Mr Yakamura: I was merely wishing out loud
Ms Fujimoto: I know
Ms Fujimoto: I'm gonna sign off in a few minutes. Have you made a final plan for lunch?
Mr Yakamura: Nope. Probably a sandwich
Ms Fujimoto: ahh
Mr Yakamura: it's close. it's easy
Ms Fujimoto: where are you going?
Mr Yakamura: maybe subway. turkey sub. or tuna.
Mr Yakamura: with lettuce, tomato, cucumber, pickles, green pepper and black olives.
Ms Fujimoto: yucky
Mr Yakamura: and pepper jack cheese
Ms Fujimoto: yucky
Ms Fujimoto: good luck on the house
Mr Yakamura: thanks
Mr Yakamura: good luck in court

Vladimir: c'mon - Vogue!
Princess Tofu: Hello Kitten!
Vladimir: Meow
Princess Tofu: How did it go yesterday with the house?
Vladimir: It's a long and sordid tale of deception, greed, lies, decisions and a little bit of rump-shaking
Princess Tofu: What he hell does that mean?
Vladimir: It's too complicated to type out. I'll have to tell you via phone. Let's just say the sellers didn't disclose some important facts until yesterday after I said I was going to make an offer.
Princess Tofu: So does that mean you are going to offer on the house or not?
Vladimir: Possibly tonight after some more facts are unearthed from the city.
Princess Tofu: Oooooh! Intrigue! I love it!
Princess Tofu: Is there a body buried on the property?
Vladimir: Well, yes and no. I don't want to make this huge financial decision and have to be saddled with the house from Money Pit
Princess Tofu: no kidding! 250,000 in having the rewiring done?
Vladimir: structural stuff, which is just about as bad
Princess Tofu: Let's see. Shitty roof, termites, bad foundation, bad siding, electric not up to code, remodeling without permit, bad furnace, upstairs not legal for habitation, cursed by passing gypsy for spitting, stop me when I get there!
Vladimir: I'm not sure yet. All I know for certain is the foundation issue with the front porch. Several other things might be bad, but I won't know that until some reports are chased down.
Vladimir: And the upstairs looks like a pit. But that's neither here nor there, I guess.
Princess Tofu: So i guess the people upstairs are leaving because of the fact they have done all they could to trash it and now they are tired of it?
Princess Tofu: Or are they looking for a more convenient location for the Meth lab?
Vladimir: I don't know, I haven't met her (I think). I wouldn't have cared, anyway. I would have kicked her out if I bought the place. She has a dog.
Princess Tofu: Great. Now you can spend 6 months in the yard playing "Find the Poopers".
Vladimir: no, the yard looks clean
Vladimir: the carpeting upstairs needs to be burned
Princess Tofu: Amazing! Doesn't the dog shit? Or are they eating it?
Vladimir: and it could probably use a fresh coat of paint
Vladimir: I don't know and frankly, don't give a rat's ass
Princess Tofu: Oh I love to paint! I could help you paint! Painting is my life! Just call me Dali!
Vladimir: Hello, Dali
Vladimir: I don't know easy it would be to rent a flat that has melting clocks on the walls, though
Princess Tofu: Pretty if they are going to turn it into a meth lab!
Vladimir: Oh, here's hoping
Vladimir: I would be one block away from Target. That's walking distance, baby!
Princess Tofu: Now you're talking! You bring home your own cart with your name on it!
Vladimir: That would be so sweet
Princess Tofu: The rent a cop would call you Mr Rodriquez.
Vladimir: I'm sure that's a popular name at this Target
Princess Tofu: We could eat supper at the snack bar!
Vladimir: Awesome!
Princess Tofu: It's the American Dream all covered in cheese food!
Vladimir: Nachos! Popcorn! Hot Dogs!
Princess Tofu: Oh MY!
Princess Tofu: I'm giddy with girlish delight!
Vladimir: Plus, I'd never run out of household cleaning supplies or personal cleansing items
Princess Tofu: It's a little slice of heaven with a lovely floral scent!
Princess Tofu: What an OCD orgasm!
Vladimir: Well, we'll see this afternoon
Princess Tofu: If they pull some crap, I'll curse them!
Princess Tofu: I'm sticking pins in the doll as we speak!
Vladimir: Hey remember Saturday night when I said my leg hurt?
Princess Tofu: Yes.
Vladimir: Sunburn! Both legs, bright pink.
Princess Tofu: Really!
Vladimir: Oui
Princess Tofu: You poor bastard!
Vladimir: I guess. I just have to go to *Target* and buy some sunscreen
Princess Tofu: JOY!
Vladimir: Very much so.
Princess Tofu: I bet you could become customer of the month. Your own parking space with your name on it!
Vladimir: I might get a job there, if I get the house
Princess Tofu: Or a urinal with your name on it!
Vladimir: I can do that with a Sharpie(tm)
Princess Tofu: Hell, I could get a weekend job there so you could get a discount on your OCD supplies!
Vladimir: I want a job so I get a discount, hello. New shower curtains, linens, kitchen crap, kitty litter
Vladimir: cleaning supplies, soap, shampoo
Vladimir: Garden stuff. Home decor
Vladimir: Wife beater and matching panties set
Princess Tofu: You little devil!
Princess Tofu: I just love the hell out your "can do" attitude!
Vladimir: Thanks, it's the pills
Princess Tofu: I could say the same thing.
Princess Tofu: OH! Discount on your prescriptions!
Vladimir: It's actually the pills and the early morning drinking
Princess Tofu: Nothing like prozac with a whisky chaser!
Vladimir: Nothing like whiskey with a bourbon chaser
Princess Tofu: SWEET!
Vladimir: Anything else new?
Princess Tofu is offline
Princess Tofu is online
Vladimir: online tease
Princess Tofu: Bastard salesmen!
Vladimir: tell us how you really feel
Princess Tofu: There aren't enough hours in the day!
Vladimir: heh
Princess Tofu: To tell you how I feel about them dammit!
Princess Tofu: I need to check some email and get some sleep. I'll talk to you later!
Vladimir: Let me call you
Princess Tofu: Sweet! Bye
Vladimir: bye

Princess Tofu: good morning buttercup!
Vladimir: back at you, tulip
Princess Tofu: Well rested sweatpea
Vladimir: Was that a question, sunflower?
Princess Tofu: yes my little daisy
Vladimir: Well then end it with a question mark, daffodil
Princess Tofu: Sorry my little nettle
Vladimir: That's fine, stinkweed
Princess Tofu: up yours goat weed
Vladimir: Ram it up your taproot, crabgrass
Princess Tofu: It's amazing how quickly "nice" can just slip away
Vladimir: As I remind everyone at work constantly, the word 'nice' is no where on my résumé
Princess Tofu: So true
Princess Tofu: what's on the agenda today?
Vladimir: Library. Gas station. Store.
Princess Tofu: wow you thill meister!
Vladimir: you have a lisp now?
Princess Tofu: Yes! A thinking lisp
Vladimir: Get the newsletter?
Princess Tofu: Yes! Will it be weekly or monthly?
Vladimir: I think monthly or until I run out of patience for the whole thing, which is probably pretty soon
Princess Tofu: I can't imagine you losing your patience, Little Buddha(sic)
Vladimir: Hard to believe, but oh-so-true
Princess Tofu: So when are we getting together today?
Vladimir: Whenever you drag your rotting corpse over here
Princess Tofu: Wow you can be such a bitch!
Vladimir: What? I mean the corpse you keep in the freezer
Princess Tofu: Shhhhhhh! That's a secret!
Vladimir: Thanks to you and your potty typing, my blog is now xrated.
Princess Tofu: Well there you go!
Vladimir: that wasn't a compliment
Princess Tofu: Fuck you!
Vladimir: that really hurts
Princess Tofu: it can
Vladimir: when were you planning on coming over?
Princess Tofu: let's say around 2:00
Vladimir: around 2?
Princess Tofu: What time would you like me to come over bitch?
Vladimir: well, i'd just like a little more accuracy in the timing aspect
Princess Tofu: I would like to make a small trip to the witchy store
Vladimir: I don't give a shit. I just want to make sure I'm back by the time you get here
Princess Tofu: Okay so lets say 2:00 then
Vladimir: groo. vy.
Princess Tofu: I am glad you are pleased
Vladimir: Ok then. See you at 2
Princess Tofu: Bye Sweetheart!
Vladimir: Uh
Princess Tofu: whatever

Ilsa: Yea! Garbage rocks
Vlad: I hear that, sister
Ilsa: what are you listening to now?
Vlad: Can you tell the people standing around my cubicle babbling to shut the fuck up?
Ilsa: sure, glad to
Vlad: Thanks. Use your legendary charm and tact
Ilsa: hehe
Vlad: I'm not listening to anything right now. Working on the birthday story for the newsletter
Ilsa: oh lord
Vlad: I need some more story ideas
Ilsa: sorry, I don't have amy, perhaps my dad might
Vlad: I'm sure you'd have some if you thought hard enough
Ilsa: true, I'll have to get back to you on that
Vlad: Hurry up, deadline's coming up and I gotta put this sucker to bed
Ilsa: I can't take the pressure
Vlad: Why don't you write a satirical column
Ilsa: good idea
Vlad: Or a gardening column on the care of catnip
Ilsa: hehe
Vlad: How about a cat advice column?
Ilsa: oh yeah, I could do that. Dear Lola, my cat is just so listless, what should I do?
Vlad: Your attitude is exactly why I don't drink French wine
Ilsa: Do they make it in a box now?
Vlad: Oui. Le Vintagé Cube
Ilsa: Speaking of white trash, have you heard from our Republican Housewife friend?
Vlad: Ooooh, burn! And no.
Ilsa: was that catty? Sometimes, I can't help myself
Vlad: I can. But won't
Ilsa: that's why we have so much fun
Vlad: too bad you're jewish
Ilsa: too bad you're mexican or whatever your dubious lineage turns out to be
Vlad: No. otherwise our theme song could be "Goys Just Want To Have Fun"
Ilsa: hehe
Vlad: And I'm Russian/Japanese
Ilsa: well, so am I
Vlad: what's the Russian drinking toast?
Ilsa: l'strovia, I believe
Vlad: Za vashe zdorovye!
Ilsa: oh, did you google that?
Vlad: Kanpai!
Vlad: I never google in public
Ilsa: Isn't that Japanese?
Vlad: Kanpai is, yes
Ilsa: I was trying to figure out what that gasbag Anne Coulter was all-over the news this week and now I found the article
Vlad: Her new book. Godless
Vlad: and the fact that she's really a man
Ilsa: well, it's what she's been saying about the 911 widows
Vlad: Oh that. she's such a heinous bitch
Ilsa: seriously
Vlad: It's only 1:30
Ilsa: I know, but that's fine with me, I don't have to work w/the losers you do
Vlad: true
Vlad: Timir wants a toaster oven for his birthday
Ilsa: Well Mini wants a Jaguar
Vlad: Asha wants a blender. A good one, with a glass containter, not plastic
Ilsa: Skittles needs therapy
Vlad: I can't help with that
Ilsa: true, first he needs to admit he has a problem
Vlad: 'nip addiction?
Ilsa: yeah, it's bad. I can't talk to him about it, he just shuts me out
Vlad: let's stage an intervention
Vlad: What issue could cats be on opposite sides of?
Ilsa: neutering?
Vlad: I want to do a point/counterpoint thing but call it Cat/CounterCat
Vlad: I need an issue they could disagree on
Ilsa: immigration
Ilsa: sales tax increase
Ilsa: AFTA
Vlad: what's afta?
Ilsa: American Free Trade Agreement
Vlad: sounds dull
Vlad: I have an ATRA razor
Ilsa: boy, you're hard to please
Ilsa: death penalty
Vlad: I think they'll argue about the best place to play in the house
Vlad: bathtub versus under my bed
Ilsa: how about flushable vs non-flushable litter
Vlad: they don't give a shit. pardon my pun
Vlad: besides, the litter change is my lead story
Ilsa: hehe
Ilsa: well, let's blow the lid off the Science Diet scandal
Vlad: That's in development as an exposé next issue
Vlad: I'm going to ambush a Science Diet executive outside his office with a camera and microphone. "Sir, is it true you use chicken parts in your cat food? Sir? Sir?"
Ilsa: That's good stuff
Vlad: Thanks. I'm hoping it gets picked up as a series by Cat Fancy
Ilsa: They might hire you on full-time as their ace reporter
Vlad: Well, I'm not going to lie to you. A story like that will make me some enemies.
Ilsa: True, have you looked into the witness protection program?
Vlad: for journalists? these days? I'll be lucky if Dick Cheney himself doesn't shoot me in the face.
Ilsa: well, you could just be an ordinary citizen and he'd do that
Vlad: I know. It makes life a little more exciting, doesn't it? Knowing that at any moment, the VP of the US, drunk off his ass could suddenly show up with a gun and get you right in the kisser?
Ilsa: I don't make this shit up folks
Vlad: I wonder if we'll get adjoining cells at Guantanamo? Or do they segregate?
Ilsa: Unfortunately they segregate unless the guards want to use us for their amusement
Vlad: Here's hoping
Ilsa: clink clink
Vlad: Kanpai!
Ilsa: poor Keanu Reeves wants to be married, he's lonely
Vlad: get a hooker
Vlad: or a cat. but for different reasons, of course
Ilsa: I certainly hope so
Vlad: either way, it's fun with pussy
Ilsa: ooooohhh, dirty
Vlad: Thanks. I'm working blue these days
Vlad: the kids seem to like it
Ilsa: do they?
Vlad: who cares?

Mr Yakamura: Hey Buttercup!
Ms Fujimoto: Hey, Schnookums
Mr Yakamura: What's shaking?
Ms Fujimoto: my client's bowels
Mr Yakamura: Um. fun?
Ms Fujimoto: sad
Mr Yakamura: Ahh, sad. A human emotion denoting extreme unhappiness.
Ms Fujimoto: very good, data
Mr Yakamura: what?
Ms Fujimoto: def
Mr Yakamura: leppard?
Ms Fujimoto: hey, I tried calling you
Mr Yakamura: Hey, I wasn't at my desk
Ms Fujimoto: hey, why not?
Mr Yakamura: hey, cuz i went and got some ice water and then was discussing something with my supervisor
Ms Fujimoto: hey, what were you discussing? World peace?
Mr Yakamura: How did you know?
Ms Fujimoto: Because you're a peacenik
Mr Yakamura: that's pinko commie to you
Ms Fujimoto: How's that paperclip chain coming?
Mr Yakamura: I have no idea what you're talking about. I need a video camera.
Ms Fujimoto: okay?
Mr Yakamura: Hel-LO! To make movies of the cats
Ms Fujimoto: oh yeah, not like that's weird or anything
Mr Yakamura: It's better than what you'd use it for
Ms Fujimoto: my customers would disagree
Mr Yakamura: I didn't think the johns wanted to be photographed?
Ms Fujimoto: no, my webcam
Mr Yakamura: Ahhh
Mr Yakamura: I have one
Ms Fujimoto: dirty
Mr Yakamura: It's not plugged in
Mr Yakamura: When I move, I'm going to put in a wireless network and have the webcam hooked up and stream out pictures of the cats during the day
Ms Fujimoto: oh dear lord, I'm organizing an intervention right now
Mr Yakamura: KittyCam
Ms Fujimoto: I'm dialing your mother right now
Mr Yakamura: good. you can talk to her. let the punishment fit the crime
Ms Fujimoto: well, your mother just told me the funniest story about she used to dress you up in her clothes
Mr Yakamura: I think what she actually dressed me in was technically worse
Mr Yakamura: You need to get a faster net connection
Ms Fujimoto: why?
Mr Yakamura: so i can email you songs
Ms Fujimoto: you still can, I'll just have to leave my aol on all the time
Mr Yakamura: but it takes forever
Mr Yakamura: I working on the next edition of the Metro Meowspaper
Ms Fujimoto: oh lord
Mr Yakamura: Lots of news this month. plus a couple of birthdays coming up
Ms Fujimoto: I'm having you committed
Mr Yakamura: what? they both have their first birthdays at the end of the month
Mr Yakamura: Timir really wants a nice toaster oven. and Asha has her eye on a good blender
Ms Fujimoto: you are insane
Mr Yakamura: I'm thinking of having a joint birthday party/bat mitzvah/bar mitzvah
Ms Fujimoto: I'm thinking that you should write letters to Mensa now
Mr Yakamura: Please, I'm not all ranty crazy
Ms Fujimoto: aren't you?
Mr Yakamura: Not in print.
Mr Yakamura: In public, yes
Ms Fujimoto: ummmm, yeah could you talk to my sister?
Mr Yakamura: How is Bob?
Ms Fujimoto: that's what I want you to talk to her about
Mr Yakamura: I think her relationship with Bob is very healthy
Ms Fujimoto: whatever, you're demented. I think that you should put her on your Meow list
Mr Yakamura: don't diss the meowspaper
Ms Fujimoto: oh but I will
Mr Yakamura: Stupid Girl
Ms Fujimoto: whatever
Mr Yakamura: What? I'm listening to it right now
Ms Fujimoto: send it to me?
Mr Yakamura: that's called piracy, counselor
Ms Fujimoto: not if you bought it
Mr Yakamura: what?
Mr Yakamura: You've got mail, Ilsa
Ms Fujimoto: oh dear, I'm afraid to look
Ms Fujimoto: You rock, Vlad
Mr Yakamura: I know. Now comes the kitty pictures!
Ms Fujimoto: Nooooooo!!!!
Mr Yakamura: I always say this, but I should've called in sick. Sick of these losers
Ms Fujimoto: I know
Ms Fujimoto: next week
Ms Fujimoto: Tuesday is looking like a good day to be sick'
Mr Yakamura: why?
Ms Fujimoto: brb
Ms Fujimoto: because I don't have court
Ms Fujimoto: peace out, Holmes. Talk to you lata

Vladimir: well, well. Look what the cat barfed up.
Vladimir: ignoring me? how mature.
Princess Tofu: what the hell do you want?
Vladimir: well, I was going to say hello and wish you a good day, but now you can shove it right up your anus
Princess Tofu: Anus! How technical
Vladimir: Yes, it is, you woman of easy virtue
Princess Tofu: Who said I had any "virtue"?
Vladimir: certainly not your mother
Princess Tofu: How the hell would she know! She picked up sailors!
Princess Tofu: She was her own "fleet week"
Vladimir: I've got her on the phone right now and she wants you to call her...
Princess Tofu: Since when are you and my mom so buddy buddy
Vladimir: since we bonded over our hatred of someone
Princess Tofu: That's not nice to talk about my dad while he is home.
Vladimir: Um, yeah. Your dad.
Princess Tofu: What are you doing now?
Vladimir: Working. You?
Princess Tofu: Eating Breakfast before I go to sleep
Vladimir: Fun. I should have called in sick.
Princess Tofu: why
Vladimir: why not
Princess Tofu: good point
Vladimir: could have slept in late, played with the cats. Gone shopping
Vladimir: seen a movie, had lunch, got a tattoo, robbed a bank. the possibilities are endless
Princess Tofu: Now you're talking!
Princess Tofu: How are my little babies?
Vladimir: Jeez. How many kids have you littered across the streets of Milwaukee?
Princess Tofu: I'm taking about the pussies
Vladimir: How many pussies have you littered across the streets of milwaukee?
Princess Tofu: It's like a broadway opening night
Vladimir: I don't get it
Princess Tofu: Lots and lots
Vladimir: So, yesterday, only three of us were here. Mommy was 'working' at the other location. So right at lunch time I sent out an email saying group lunch, my treat. And then we went to lunch. She tried emailing us and calling to find out where we were going, but we ignored her.
Vladimir: Then we got back and bossman sent out an email saying his wife was there right now with the new baby. Because she's all into that, and so she was all mad.
Princess Tofu: Where did you go for group lunch
Vladimir: Pedro's
Vladimir: For some Mexicali food. Yi-yi-yi-yi
Princess Tofu: What's the baby look like?
Vladimir: Then bossman sends out an email saying we got box seats for the Brewers last night and if you wanted them you had to go to his office right away.
Princess Tofu: That brilliant bastard!
Vladimir: we had a lot of laughs at her expense yesterday
Princess Tofu: So I take it Mommy popped a blood vessel in her head
Vladimir: dunno. maybe. we didn't have to look at her, so who knows?
Princess Tofu: Sometimes life is just beautiful
Vladimir: just like me. on the inside. where it counts
Princess Tofu: Whatever
Vladimir: ahh, your scathing wit
Princess Tofu: Did you hear about all the Satanist grafitti at Holy Hill? They think there is a mad bunch on the loose!
Vladimir: Tell your friends that shit ain't cool
Princess Tofu: It's not my friends
Vladimir: whatever. birds of a feather
Princess Tofu: What the hell does that mean?
Vladimir: I have to get some ice water
Princess Tofu: why
Vladimir: because I have a human body that requires water to sustain itself. I can't live on brimstone and human souls like you
Princess Tofu: I don't worship the devil, I don't even believe in one
Vladimir: what's the devil got to do with the fact that you eat human souls?
Princess Tofu: Paranoid delusions again?
Vladimir: I thought you were a cross between a vampire and a chupacabra
Princess Tofu: How's your head feel right now? i'm sticking the pins in the doll
Vladimir: how's life treating you? I've got the doll pinned beneath the crushing weight of stone in a dog park where several times a day, dogs tinkle all over it.
Princess Tofu: You say the sweetest things. You really know how to charm a girl!
Vladimir: take off, hoser
Princess Tofu: que?
Vladimir: take off, eh
Princess Tofu: How dare you insult me with your "canadian" vulgarities
Vladimir: if anyone knows vulgarites, it's the canadians
Princess Tofu: Bastards!
Vladimir: Canadian Bastards
Princess Tofu: French Canadian Bastards
Vladimir: Them, I like
Princess Tofu: Shut-up
Vladimir: I will not shut up
Princess Tofu: Again, I say shut up asshole
Vladimir: that hurts. Just for that I'm not getting you anything from Crate and Barrel at lunch
Princess Tofu: I'm sorry! Really, really, sorry!
Vladimir: whatever, sweater. too late
Princess Tofu: Well, Fuck ya then!
Vladimir: I can feel the love streaming from the computer screen
Princess Tofu: Cram it Princess!
Vladimir: I'm going to get some water. go blow it out your nose
Princess Tofu: fine. I'll talk to you later
Vladimir: god, i hope not
Princess Tofu: Bitch
Vladimir: Ugh, you still here?
Princess Tofu: yes
Princess Tofu: YES!
Vladimir: I heard ya the first time
Princess Tofu: What now?
Vladimir: Um. No clue
Princess Tofu: I want t go to sleep
Vladimir: so go
Vladimir: who's stopping you?
Princess Tofu: alright nite
Vladimir: byeeee

Vlad: I thought I smelled skank.
Princess Tofu: i was waiting to hear from you asshole. I was eating a yogurt
Vlad: why were you waiting to hear from me? I thought you were going to call when you were done with your haircut and stuff
Princess Tofu: I wasn't sure if you were up yet?
Princess Tofu: cunt
Vlad: If you called, you would have found out. And what's with the foul langauge?
Princess Tofu: I hate to wake you early you delicate little flower
Vlad: I've been awake. The cats rarely let me sleep in
Princess Tofu: hard to sleep with pussy on your face
Vlad: You'd know, wouldn't you?
Princess Tofu: jealous?
Vlad: not so much
Princess Tofu: let's say about 11:30. I just have to rewet my hair and put on some makeup.
Vlad: I'm down with that. Call before you trip daintly out the door
Princess Tofu: Love ya!
Vlad: not if I see you first!
Vlad: I mean, back atcha
Princess Tofu: Bastard!
Vlad: bye
Princess Tofu: bye

Vlad: did the wife finally graduate?
Kilt Boy: Yes, FINALLY!!
Vlad: Tell her congratulations for me.
Kilt Boy: lol I will though the stress just about took her out
Vlad: did she kill the troll?
Kilt Boy: not yet, but I almost did, found them in the same bed
Vlad: Uhhhh
Kilt Boy: she was fully clothed
Vlad: and he was...?
Kilt Boy: had pants on, but no shirt, but that is how he sleeps
Vlad: so, why were they in bed together?
Kilt Boy: she was talking to him and he was hovering in the door. Which upset the dogs so she told him to sit on the bed to relax the dogs. He did and she was only half awake and apparently feel asleep, which is what he did then apparently, I am kinda fishy on his side cause he was under the blanket when I found them
Vlad: uh oh
Vlad: time to go
Vlad: remember, if there's a smackdown, grab the video camera
Kilt Boy: Yep that is my thoughts and opinion, I have stopped talking to him
Vlad: Just kick him out
Kilt Boy: wife says we still cannot
Vlad: because...
Kilt Boy: he is holding up his part of deal on job, and I am not sure
Vlad: I know people who'd beat him up and threaten him so he'd move away
Kilt Boy: same here, and I am thinking of calling said people
Vlad: I'll chip in
Kilt Boy: lol I should take up a collection
Vlad: douse him with a can of beef gravy and let the dogs go
Kilt Boy: well I am thinking the oldest dog does not like him much anymore, she won't go to him when he calls her
Vlad: hide a pork chop in his pants
Kilt Boy: ewwww I don't want to get that close to his pants
Vlad: heh

Princess Tofu: don't you ever work?
Vlad: I am working, you skank
Princess Tofu: from home you slut?
Vlad: Uh, no, from my office computer, mattress-back
Princess Tofu: you are at work right now?
Vlad: Yes
Princess Tofu: well isn't that fancy
Vlad: I guess. I'm usually here during the week
Princess Tofu: what should you be doing?
Vlad: should be? I AM working
Vlad: i researched a file, ran the init of another file and am running a full test of a brand new file for a client
Princess Tofu: No you're not! you are chatting with me!
Vlad: It's called multi-tasking. Look it up.
Princess Tofu: fuck you
Vlad: wow, such hostility
Princess Tofu: you bet your ass. I came from work and it brings the best out in me! And my meds have not kicked in yet!
Vlad: We should put you on horse tranqulizers
Princess Tofu: Got any?
Vlad: no. and my vet won't give me cat tranquilizers, either
Princess Tofu: The bastard!
Princess Tofu: He obviously cannot feel your pain
Vlad: bitch, actually
Vlad: well, bitches
Princess Tofu: That's nice
Vlad: yes, my pussies are treated by pussies
Princess Tofu: What a coincidence
Vlad: what are you doing?
Princess Tofu: Nothing much. Trying to get a hold of the lady that cuts my fucking hair!
Vlad: buy a Flowbee
Princess Tofu: It couldn't hurt. Have you seen my hair?
Princess Tofu: It just really pisses me off. She was in fucking Nazi austria for 3 months and now she's home and I talked to her once and she said call on friday.
Vlad: I try not to look directly at you. You've seen me - I use my polished shield and only look at the reflection.
Princess Tofu: Stop calling me medusa! It really hurts my feelings Toad!
Vlad: I wasn't calling you Medusa, it was just calling you a garden-variety Gorgon.
Princess Tofu: Gorgan, Smorgan! it still hurts
Vlad: Not as much as your acid blood
Vlad: I'll brb, ho
Princess Tofu: Whatever
Vlad: I was in a meeting
Princess Tofu: what kind of meeting?
Vlad: a meeting where we talked about stomach upsets
Vlad: and how retarded other departments are
Princess Tofu: really!
Princess Tofu: That didn't take long
Vlad: No. It's an old refrain we sing often
Princess Tofu: The Ballad of the Retardulon
Vlad: Aye
Princess Tofu: ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
Vlad: Ohhh, there was a slow woman from Kent, who was stupid wherever she went...
Princess Tofu: Yes
Vlad: that's all i got
Princess Tofu: SAD
Vlad: I have a $120 t-shirt. I think that makes up for it
Princess Tofu: You also have a $200 frame
Vlad: $190! don't exaggerate.
Princess Tofu: Wow! don't throw a hissy!
Vlad: can i throw pots?
Princess Tofu: I can throw my voice
Vlad: I can throw darts at your head
Princess Tofu: In fact, I'm doing it right now. I'm talking with my hand like Senor Wences!
Princess Tofu: S'all Right? S'all Right!
Vlad: I bet it's screaming
Princess Tofu: The hell you say!
Princess Tofu: Take that Back!!!!
Vlad: Um, no
Princess Tofu: You are being a "Don't Bee" Bitch
Vlad: Up your meds