Vladimir O'Yakamura: Gosh and Begorrah, it's Ilsa O'Fujimoto
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: si, senor
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: wazzup?
Vladimir O'Yakamura: Nothing.
Vladimir O'Yakamura: It's hot outside.
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: yeah
Vladimir O'Yakamura: My cats are probably little puddles on the floor
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: my shower pipe is leaking
Vladimir O'Yakamura: Is that a euphamism?
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: I wish
Vladimir O'Yakamura: Call Mr. Rooter
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: no, I'm going to call an actual plumber
Vladimir O'Yakamura: I'm hiring a handyman to fix some stuff
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: I know
Vladimir O'Yakamura: Go Handyman!
Vladimir O'Yakamura: Handyman powers, activate!
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: I got some liq plumber but the boy said I'm going have to get a plumber to open the pipe and get all the gunk out
Vladimir O'Yakamura: Get a snake
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: no that won't work, that will only unclog it temporarily
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: brb
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: miss me?
Vladimir O'Yakamura: Who are you again? I mean, yes.
Vladimir O'Yakamura: I had a turkey burger for lunch
Vladimir O'Yakamura: with potato wedges
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: I had cheese and pistachios
Vladimir O'Yakamura: I had pistachios for dinner. Along with lemonade
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: oh crap, I forgot to get Crystal Light lemonade at the store
Vladimir O'Yakamura: tsk tsk. Pick N Save finally had sugar-free Kool-Aid lemonade
Vladimir O'Yakamura: I need a nap
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: me too
Vladimir O'Yakamura: I really need it to cool down so I can sleep at night.
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: not til Wednesday
Vladimir O'Yakamura: that's not going to be enough
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: sleep in the living room
Vladimir O'Yakamura: Why don't you sleep in the living room, Miss I-Have-An-Answer-For-Everything?
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: It's a curse
Vladimir O'Yakamura: So is my apartment
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: almost done
Vladimir O'Yakamura: Let's sing Mercedes Boy by Pebbles
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: I'm singing Ricky Martin now
Vladimir O'Yakamura: Pebbles is stuck in my head
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: Cup of Life is stuck in mine. Whatcha going to do? I've decided to spend an hour or two to work on my Wednesday trial this afternoon and spend all day tomorrow working on next week's trial
Vladimir O'Yakamura: Good plan. I will be spending tomorrow working on jack and then the day after working on bupkis
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: you suck
Vladimir O'Yakamura: I suck? It's not my fault. I'd rather be a space cowboy
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: I think you should be a carny
Vladimir O'Yakamura: Hey, those space cows aren't going to corral themselves
Vladimir O'Yakamura: Besides, I like having all my teeth
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: teeth are overrated
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: nap time. Call you tonight?
Vladimir O'Yakamura: If I haven't melted
Ilsa O'Fujimoto: hehe

WinterFresh: Hey Puddin'! How's it going?
Vladimir Yakamura: Hey, everyone, it's WinterFresh
WinterFresh: Wintafresh in da house!
Vladimir Yakamura: What's up?
WinterFresh: Took my car for the emissions test. It failed. But, on a bright note, my gas cap passed. I have to get a new catalytic converter.
Vladimir Yakamura: Mmmm, expensive!
WinterFresh: Actually $290.00 installed.
Vladimir Yakamura: Oh, nevermind. That's not bad.
WinterFresh: It could have been worse. My car is a 1999.
Vladimir Yakamura: Mine is a Hyundai
WinterFresh: Ha Ha! Smartass!
Vladimir Yakamura: Thanks. I've packed all the clothes and started dragging boxes into the kitchen.
WinterFresh: Oh God! Are we going to remark the boxes with what's actually in them this time?
Vladimir Yakamura: If you want to get all anal about it, knock yourself out. But I am planning on unpacking everything in the new place, so it's not like I'll have to play box hunt anymore.
Vladimir Yakamura: Besides, "kitchen shit" really says it all
WinterFresh: In a nutshell.
WinterFresh: Oh, and i'm not big on anal.
Vladimir Yakamura: Not big on anal? Ok, whatever you have to tell yourself.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'll grab a few new boxes and some more tape in case we need to really repack some stuff. Most of it looks good. The boxes just need reworking.
WinterFresh: Not unless i get paid.
Vladimir Yakamura: how about double-penetration?
WinterFresh: Now that's a different story.
Vladimir Yakamura: A dirty story
WinterFresh: Yes it is.
Vladimir Yakamura: So. I'm doing my final walk through tomorrow at noon. I'm bringing a measuring tape with me so I can immediately fly to Ashley and order my new furniture.
WinterFresh: Can I go along?
Vladimir Yakamura: No. Legally the house isn't mine. I have to wait until my realtor shows up with the lockbox code to get in.
WinterFresh: Can I go the Ashley with you?
WinterFresh: I'll wear underwear!
Vladimir Yakamura: Not unless you meet me there. I want to run over right away after I see the place. I'm trying to get a delivery time for the week I'm off, that way I can leave the old couch and coffee table behind and not worry about moving them.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm getting a sofa, loveseat, coffee table, two end tables and a dining room hutch. I picked them out last week.
Vladimir Yakamura: Blue couches
WinterFresh: Oh well. Fine then.
Vladimir Yakamura: Ashley doesn't sell low sideboards
WinterFresh: Get a high one and we'll cut the legs off.
Vladimir Yakamura: well, they don't see high ones either. I'll have to troll rummage sales
Vladimir Yakamura: and the docks
WinterFresh: For furniture, right?
WinterFresh: Not sailors.
Vladimir Yakamura: either/or
WinterFresh: Thrillmeister!
Vladimir Yakamura: Whoo hoo. 4 days!
WinterFresh: It's almost impossible to believe how far into debt you are going. It's breathtaking.
Vladimir Yakamura: I know. I have to do the wire transfer today for the downpayment. It's going to physically hurt. But I'll be a landowner
WinterFresh: Start pricing out your organs.
Vladimir Yakamura: Eh. I'll be fine. I have an Ashly card. No interest or payments for like two years.
Vladimir Yakamura: And really, even with what I'm buying, it's only $1200
Vladimir Yakamura: Any thing I do for the house itself is tax-deductible
WinterFresh: I wish I had 1200. I could stop whoring.
Vladimir Yakamura: As if you'd stop
WinterFresh: Well, not as much.
Vladimir Yakamura: Can't you trace your lineage back through whores all the way back to the middle ages?
WinterFresh: I believe I can.
WinterFresh: There isn't a mattress in centuries that hasn't been dented by my family.
Vladimir Yakamura: Heh
WinterFresh: We pride ourselves on our stick-to-it-tiveness
Vladimir Yakamura: your stick-your-legs-in-airtivness
WinterFresh: Yes!
WinterFresh: You gotta have goals.
Vladimir Yakamura: Oh, I agree. Too many young girls are just giving it away with no thought for their future
WinterFresh: Yes indeedy. You can't do it forever. You got to plan your retirement. You know, Madamhood.
Vladimir Yakamura: Ohh, Mamasan
WinterFresh: Me likey!
Vladimir Yakamura: Get in the mood for Chinese food for tomorrow
WinterFresh: I'm always in the mood for a little Chinese.
Vladimir Yakamura: well, who isn't? Me so horny. Wait those were Vietnamese
WinterFresh: Yup!
Vladimir Yakamura: That was very quasi-racist of us
WinterFresh: You could say that.
Vladimir Yakamura: And I did.
Vladimir Yakamura: If you want, we can use the clothespin chopsticks
WinterFresh: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
WinterFresh: you sure know how to show a girl a good time.
Vladimir Yakamura: Thanks. There are also many many episodes of Skeletor, Big Drunk and Cooking Simply for a Stroke
WinterFresh: Hot Damn!
Vladimir Yakamura: It's Krautfest tonight?
WinterFresh: Ja!
WinterFresh: They are going to have fireworks that come out like swastikas.
Vladimir Yakamura: Again?
WinterFresh: And the crowd pleaser"Whose mother has the best Hitler mustache"!
WinterFresh: They also have a new line of jewelry this year. The W.W.H.D. line.
Vladimir Yakamura: I gotta get me some of that
Vladimir Yakamura: http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/
WinterFresh: Where the hell did you find that?
Vladimir Yakamura: I don't know. it's fun, though
WinterFresh: I wonder if they sell shirts? I want my Kitler shirt!
Vladimir Yakamura: Ask them
WinterFresh: Or maybe a nice mug for my hot chocolate.
Vladimir Yakamura: Mmm, comforting
WinterFresh: And so acceptably Aryan.
Vladimir Yakamura: As long as those cats aren't Jews
WinterFresh: I wonder if anyone will be wearing them at the Nazi rally that is supposed to be coming up?
Vladimir Yakamura: cuz then it's just wrong
Vladimir Yakamura: Nazi rally? Oh lord, where?
WinterFresh: The capitol.
Vladimir Yakamura: state? or federal?
WinterFresh: State!
Vladimir Yakamura: Ahh, yes. Wisconsin Nazis Unite!
WinterFresh: For the Fatherland.
Vladimir Yakamura: I wonder how much money we could make selling Kitler shirts out of the back of a car?
Vladimir Yakamura: You know, for the kids?
WinterFresh: i bet they would go crazy for that.
Vladimir Yakamura: Sad, isn't it?
WinterFresh: But profitable.
Vladimir Yakamura: Mmm, filthy, filthy lucre
WinterFresh: I love it when you say that. It gets me hot!
Vladimir Yakamura: I should go to the Nazi rally and make some new friends
WinterFresh: Oh hell yeah! Take laura with you.
WinterFresh: That would be a day to remember.
Vladimir Yakamura: No, she'd freak out about it. I'd meet some people and get invited to parties or something before blowing the big secret.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm a MUD PERSON! Whooo!
WinterFresh: How delightful. Maybe you could sleep with one of their sisters before you tell them.
WinterFresh: Or even Mothers!
Vladimir Yakamura: Or fathers! Grrrwwwl. White supremicist men get me in a lather
WinterFresh: I know what you are saying! I love authority figures.
Vladimir Yakamura: Especially when they're calling for a white homeland. And frankly, I think that'd totally a good idea. Let's give them Georgia or Arkansas or one of the cousin-fucking states and then we'd know where they all were.
WinterFresh: HERE!HERE!
Vladimir Yakamura: Then there'd be that mysterious biological 'accident' with the smallpox.
WinterFresh: They are probably immune. Farm animals, Remember?
Vladimir Yakamura: Fine. Strafing with machine guns, whatever
WinterFresh: OOOH! That sounds really nasty! Senseless violence is hot!
Vladimir Yakamura: I heartily concur
WinterFresh: Most excellent!
Vladimir Yakamura: This day needs to go faster
WinterFresh: Have some coffee and it will.
Vladimir Yakamura: No it won't It will be long and I'll have to pee all the time.
WinterFresh: i have to do some laundry or i will have to work naked tomorrow.
Vladimir Yakamura: Don't threaten me
WinterFresh: It's not a threat, it's a promise.
WinterFresh: Why don't you do some actual work, and maybe that will make the day go faster.
Vladimir Yakamura: For your information, beeyotch, I've been working while chatting with you.
WinterFresh: OOOOH! You multitasking wizard.
Vladimir Yakamura: I know
Vladimir Yakamura: Go do laundry. I will be at home and sassy tomorrow by 2pm
WinterFresh: Allrighty!
Vladimir Yakamura: Seeya tomorrow, WinterFresh
WinterFresh: I have to eat something before i go. I'm seeing stars.
WinterFresh: And not the good kind.
Vladimir Yakamura: whatever
WinterFresh: bye

Vladimir Yakamura: Hey Sugar Lips
WinterFresh: Hello my little Cherry Blossom.
Vladimir Yakamura: 8 days, bitch!
WinterFresh: Did everything go through with the mortgage.
Vladimir Yakamura: Yep. I get my insurance tomorrow and the closing is on August 1.
WinterFresh: Does your tennant know?
Vladimir Yakamura: I'll assume. Not my responsibility.
WinterFresh: Did they replace the furnaces?
Vladimir Yakamura: Supposed to be done over the weekend
WinterFresh: This weekend?
Vladimir Yakamura: Yes. Appraiser went over this morning.
WinterFresh: Did he cross himself?
Vladimir Yakamura: Huh? Why?
WinterFresh: When he saw the furnaces?
Vladimir Yakamura: They're new. He didn't see the old ones.
WinterFresh: Yippeee! It is done!
WinterFresh: I thought you would get screwed on that, but alright!
Vladimir Yakamura: I wouldn't have been screwed. It was a condition of purchase.
Vladimir Yakamura: They would have had to smootch my butt
WinterFresh: EWWWWWWW!
Vladimir Yakamura: bite me, pugsley
WinterFresh: Whatever!
Vladimir Yakamura: All ready for the packing party this Saturday?
WinterFresh: Will there be liquor? If there is, color me there!
Vladimir Yakamura: I've got liquor.
Vladimir Yakamura: And catnip
WinterFresh: I got music. Who could ask for anything more.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'll play "Eye of the Tiger" during the packing
WinterFresh: Why that's just good anytime.
WinterFresh: Can we be as noisy as possible?
Vladimir Yakamura: Are you up for the challange of our lives?
WinterFresh: Why? We are NOT going into the basement!
Vladimir Yakamura: No, that's a lyric in the song
Vladimir Yakamura: I have nothing in that basement.
WinterFresh: Thank God! Maybe we should put something in that basement.
WinterFresh: Like a body.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'd be more surprised if there wasn't one down there already.
WinterFresh: Probably and old tennant.
Vladimir Yakamura: Or some indigent who got sucked into the vortex
WinterFresh: Maybe the people up front are cannibals.
Vladimir Yakamura: No, just stupid trash
WinterFresh: I never hear them cooking.
WinterFresh: Fighting, yes. Cooking, no.
Vladimir Yakamura: They just eat scraps off the floor
WinterFresh: Ma brings em home in a sack.
Vladimir Yakamura: Mmm, the old feed bag
WinterFresh: I bet the kid has been standing outside the window and eyeing your cats as vittles.
Vladimir Yakamura: You could get quite a meal out of Chunky T
WinterFresh: Yeah. A meal and leftovers.
Vladimir Yakamura: and a nice stock
WinterFresh: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm bored. I want this week to go fast
WinterFresh: I'm on vacation the next 2 days.
Vladimir Yakamura: That applies to me how?
WinterFresh: I'm just letting you know i will be reveling in joy whilst you are bored.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm getting paid a zillion dollars to be bored
Vladimir Yakamura: Why don't you run over and start some packing or cleaning?
WinterFresh: I won't even be in town whore.
Vladimir Yakamura: Then why bring it up?
WinterFresh: But, if you are really nice, maybe I'll bring you something for the new house.
Vladimir Yakamura: Vacuum cleaner? Lawn mower? Roomba?
WinterFresh: Aren't you a wishful thinker.
Vladimir Yakamura: Yes, I am
WinterFresh: Besides, your birthday is coming in September.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'll be old and broke by then
WinterFresh: Maybe i'll get you a toaster oven.
Vladimir Yakamura: Ohh, toaster oven
Vladimir Yakamura: I'll have to see how much counter space I have. And how much pantry space. I really need to get into the house and start measuring
Vladimir Yakamura: I picked out my new furniture from Ashley
WinterFresh: Really? Are they having a sale again?
Vladimir Yakamura: I got one of their credit cards. They always have a sale with the cards. I'm getting a sofa, loveseat, coffee table, two side tables and a dining room hutch
WinterFresh: Wonderful. Light or dark wood?
Vladimir Yakamura: cherry
WinterFresh: Wonderful. Is there any exposed wood in this place? Or is it all painted?
Vladimir Yakamura: painted stuff. i don't know what's under the carpet
WinterFresh: Living things!
Vladimir Yakamura: Here's hoping!
WinterFresh: Or body outline.
Vladimir Yakamura: I just need to get in there and start measuring
WinterFresh: How long do they have before they have to get their asses out?
Vladimir Yakamura: The first. It's my house as of the 1st.
Vladimir Yakamura: I assume he's moved out the rest of his crap by now.
WinterFresh: So if they don't move fast enough, we could be tossing things to the curb?
Vladimir Yakamura: I think you mean rummage sale.
WinterFresh: I smell income potential.
Vladimir Yakamura: He's been living with his wife for awhile. Most of his stuff was already out
Vladimir Yakamura: And the sofas that are there are hideous
WinterFresh: Of course. he didn't want them. So why move them.
Vladimir Yakamura: That's my feeling. If he does leave them, I'm leaving mine where it is.
WinterFresh: There's a plus. Now your landlord will say it's furnished.
Vladimir Yakamura: Furnished with cat hair
WinterFresh: and hairballs and other nasties.
WinterFresh: Check for change if you are leaving it.
Vladimir Yakamura: I just want this to be over
WinterFresh: You poor dear.
Vladimir Yakamura: I want to be lounging around my own house. Where I am able to have more than one dish and one bowl out.
WinterFresh: A dream about to come true.
Vladimir Yakamura: A big backyard to play in and reenact the mountain scene from Sound of Music
WinterFresh: I'm giddy as a school girl.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm as giddy as a lonely goatherd
WinterFresh: I'm giddy as a lonely goat. Tee hee!
Vladimir Yakamura: 1:20? Think of how many boxes you could repack before I got home
WinterFresh: Fuck you I have to sleep.
Vladimir Yakamura: Thanks for the hositlity
WinterFresh: And i still have to work tonight.
Vladimir Yakamura: I know what would help you sleep. A big warm glass of shut the fuck up.
WinterFresh: With whip cream and a cherry on top, Bitch.
WinterFresh: I'm not keeping you from your work?
Vladimir Yakamura: I hear the West Allis farmer's market is awesome
WinterFresh: Yes. Live poultry.
Vladimir Yakamura: And on Sunday, the grounds becomes a flea market
WinterFresh: I am sure there are fleas other days of the week too.
Vladimir Yakamura: Whatever. I'm quite excited. Sad to leave the ghetto farmers market behind, but oh well
WinterFresh: Are they having a going away party for you?
Vladimir Yakamura: Yes, yes they are
WinterFresh: That's just grand.
WinterFresh: brb
WinterFresh: there. that's better.
Vladimir Yakamura: swell
WinterFresh: It's so much easier to type naked.
Vladimir Yakamura: That's why we have naked Thursdays here
WinterFresh: You never told me about naked thursdays?
Vladimir Yakamura: trade secret
WinterFresh: Really? What's Ruth got going on? She a cutie after popping out 2 ankle biters?
Vladimir Yakamura: I try not to think about that
WinterFresh: Your just saying that.
Vladimir Yakamura: I say a lot of things
Vladimir Yakamura: Wankle rotary engine, for example
WinterFresh: Yes I know. And mean very few of them
Vladimir Yakamura: Oh, I mean wankle rotary engine.
WinterFresh: Delightful.
Vladimir Yakamura: Let's talk about the voyages of Sinbad and his seamen
WinterFresh: I like to talk about seamen.
Vladimir Yakamura: squabbies
WinterFresh: Sqiddies.
Vladimir Yakamura: fresh meat
WinterFresh: MMMMMM! now you're talking!
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm having rice & beans and chicken for dinner
WinterFresh: I'm having Musk Ox.
Vladimir Yakamura: I belive you
WinterFresh: You should, it's all true.
Vladimir Yakamura: It's not as good as my taco rice and beans
WinterFresh: It's hard to find a good recipe in english for musk ox.
WinterFresh: I wonder if I could make Musk Ox tacos?
Vladimir Yakamura: go for it
WinterFresh: Or maybe, fettucine ala musk ox.
Vladimir Yakamura: use the magic bullet
WinterFresh: Do you know that there is now a nock off of the nicer dicer?
WinterFresh: it's called the Vidalia Slicer.
Vladimir Yakamura: Yep. Saw it on tv over the weekend.
Vladimir Yakamura: you push the food down instead of having it go up into the cup
WinterFresh: What Bitches. You get something good and some one has to bastardize it.
Vladimir Yakamura: Whatever. the nicer dicer is retarded
WinterFresh: I guess i'll have to send back the one I bought you.
Vladimir Yakamura: You can get them at Target for about a 1/3 of the tv price.
WinterFresh: But you don't get all the extras.
Vladimir Yakamura: what extras?
WinterFresh: The extra handy plastic cup.
Vladimir Yakamura: You get the cup with the one from Target
WinterFresh: You actually went and looked at them, you crackhead?
Vladimir Yakamura: No, they're on display. I was in Target yesterday buying garbage bags for the move
WinterFresh: oh.
Vladimir Yakamura: Your new name is WinterFresh
WinterFresh: How did you come up with that?
Vladimir Yakamura: I don't know. Sounds fancy
WinterFresh: Sissy Winter-Fresh. I like it.
Vladimir Yakamura: Sissy? No, just winterfresh
WinterFresh: Thanks.
Vladimir Yakamura: Or Mrs. Ty-D-Bowl
WinterFresh: Up yours jackass.
Vladimir Yakamura: what a foul-mouthed bitch you are
WinterFresh: Yes I am.
Vladimir Yakamura: I wasn't asking a question
WinterFresh: I gotta go. I'm missing my soap.
Vladimir Yakamura: how pathetic. have fun!
WinterFresh: Fuck you.
WinterFresh: bye
Vladimir Yakamura: bye

Ilsa: I'm exhausted. How is your day going? How is your foot?
Vlad: It's better, but I won't be able to do my clog dancing class tonight
Vlad: Plus, it's boring here.
Ilsa: no fun magazines?
Vlad: No. Just bills and sleepy cats
Ilsa: ah
Vlad: and no Doritos
Ilsa: I just got back from meeting with my new P.I.
Vlad: Fun! What was the secret phrase?
Ilsa: gams
Vlad: How do you like him/her?
Ilsa: he seems really cool and motivated
Vlad: How many people has he shot?
Ilsa: just one to watch him die
Vlad: well, who hasn't done that?
Vlad: when are we going shooting?
Ilsa: soon, maybe after you move into your new digs
Vlad: well, we can't shoot anything there. Here, maybe.
Vlad: Shooting seems like a fall activity...
Ilsa: yeah
Ilsa: the hillbillies are sitting on their front steps again
Vlad: Damn! I wish I was closer
Ilsa: to shoot them?
Vlad: I don't have a gun. I just want to bask in their hillbilliness
Vlad: maybe swap 'still' stories. you know, hiding them from the revenuers and such
Ilsa: the best was when they were just laying on their front lawn
Vlad: I have nothing to say at that
Vlad: I'm jamming out to Edith Piaf
Ilsa: I am to Suzanne Vega
Vlad: I win
Ilsa: if winning is losing, then yes
Vlad: Whatever. Edith Piaf is the bomb. Suzanne Vega can shove it up her acoustic guitar
Vlad: and take Luka with her
Ilsa: wow, that's a lot of pent up anger
Vlad: She's inspired a lot of hate over the years
Ilsa: I was unaware
Vlad: She did a song on the Pretty in Pink soundtrack that's ok, but I won't listen to it on purpose.
Ilsa: what song?
Vlad: Left of Center
Ilsa: that wasn't her best
Vlad: that's a bottomless pit
Ilsa: I did not know you had such a strong dislike of her. Chili Peppers are on now
Vlad: I hate them too
Vlad: I'd say I hate them more because they're more prolific and just won't give it up
Vlad: Suzanne Vega hardly annoys me with new stuff anymore
Ilsa: I did not know so many artists were on your "kill on sight" list
Vlad: I should become the Folk Singer Killer
Vlad: That's right, Peter, Paul & Mary, I'm looking at you!
Ilsa: that I can understand
Vlad: Sarah Vaughn is on now
Vlad: Heehee, now it's Samantha Fox
Ilsa: oh, my lord
Vlad: Hey! Naughty girls need love, too
Ilsa: Don't I know it, I mean, so I've heard
Vlad: i heard you were thanked on the liner notes of that album
Ilsa: Yes on a lot of liner notes
Vlad: what time's dinner??
Ilsa: 4:30 cause I gotta leave for the gym at 5:30
Vlad: ahhh
Vlad: I should've shopped this week
Ilsa: how bout potatoes and tomatoes
Vlad: I don't have any fresh tomatoes.
Vlad: I need some chicken
Vlad: and black beans
Vlad: and tortillas
Ilsa: wow, what are you Mexican or something?
Vlad: No, I want to make a cream pie
Ilsa: I'm signing off, wanna call me?
Vlad: I will later after I sign off from work
Ilsa: oh, your line is split between the phone & your email?
Vlad: No, I'm just cleaning up some stuff for work
Ilsa: oh, okay

Funkiller: Are you at home?
Vladimir: We've got spirit, yes we do. We've got spirit, how 'bout you?
Funkiller: Lovely. Are you planning on becoming or dating a cheerleader?
Vladimir: Both
Funkiller: God, I am imagininig the nuptials right now.
Vladimir: They'd be perky
Funkiller: Hell yeah!
Vladimir: I am working from one of our other locations
Funkiller: Doing a Ruth?
Vladimir: Actually, bitch. I have an interview today, so in order to avoid awkward leaving at odd times and coming back, etc., I'm working from home today.
Funkiller: What kind of interview?
Vladimir: With the Vampire
Funkiller: Job or with your mortgage people a-hole?
Vladimir: Nice attitude, saddletramp. Now, I'm going to keep you in suspense
Funkiller: Great.
Vladimir: Is it burning you up inside yet?
Funkiller: Not really,
Funkiller: it doesn't involve me either way.
Vladimir: It might. You have to start calling me 'boss'
Funkiller: Why the hell would you want to work by me? I don't want to work there.
Funkiller: But, I really love money.
Vladimir: I'm kidding. I'd rather die
Funkiller: Me too.
Vladimir: 2 weeks, 4 days
Funkiller: Til the Gender reassignment?
Vladimir: I thought yours was already started? That's what I told the guys at the game store two weekends ago.
Funkiller: Perfection takes time.
Vladimir: So does building the perfect man. Ask Dr. Frankenfurter
Funkiller: I have the most incredible headache. I 've had it for 3 days and nothing seems to make it any better. It's probably a tumor.
Vladimir: I've had one for a few days, too. We think it's because the weather was hot, then slammed to cool, then back to hot again.
Vladimir: Or a tumor.
Funkiller: It's made me puke. It's really fun at work to do that.
Vladimir: I'd think it would make it more challenging
Funkiller: Considering the bathroom is almost a 1/2 a block away. I didn't think I could move that fast.
Vladimir: would monsieur care for a bucket?
Funkiller: Or perhaps a wafer thin mint.
Vladimir: Mmmm, wafer thin
Vladimir: let me log onto work. I'll disappear for a minute, and then be back on
Vladimir is offline
Vladimir is online
Funkiller: Hello there stranger.
Vladimir: Look, I'm working!
Funkiller: If that helps you sleep at night, go with it.
Vladimir: 1. Cram it. 2. Bite me. 3. What. 4. Ever.
Funkiller: I think I am going to take some of the oxycodone I have left over from my last tooth infection. Maybe that will make me feel a little better. Or at least high so I won't care.
Vladimir: That shit blows
Vladimir: Give me valium
Funkiller: I don't have any. I have to take what I got.
Vladimir: I prefer tylenol sleepy time
Funkiller: I prefer tequila sleepy time.
Vladimir: well, you are a big fucking drunk
Funkiller: Not really. It's all talk as far as anyone knows. It's just between me and my bartender.
Vladimir: THUNDER!
Funkiller: LIGHTNING!
Funkiller: Oh mighty hammer of Thor.
Vladimir: Thanks, I try my best
Funkiller: I guess we have to take what you got.
Vladimir: I'm interning as the God of Thunder for the summer
Vladimir: I was hoping for God of STDs, but that was already taken
Funkiller: Jealous?!?
Vladimir: Not really
Funkiller: well, I am going to take some pills and shut my eyes.
Vladimir: good for you. I'll make sure they tone down the whore makeup at the funeral
Funkiller: no. Not that many pills.
Vladimir: damn it
Funkiller: I'm glad I can always count on you for sympathy.
Vladimir: Back at you!
Funkiller: I'm going nite-nite.
Vladimir: adios
Funkiller: Vaya con dios. I 'll talk to you later about your "interview".
Vladimir: "okay"
Vladimir: "good-bye"
Funkiller: bye

Vlad: Hey Attorney
Ilsa: hey buttercup
Vlad: Let's drive around and solve some crimes
Ilsa: Okay
Vlad: or commit some...
Ilsa: you commit them and I'll defend you
Vlad: I'd rather drive around in a van solving them while engaging in witty banter.
Ilsa: well then, that's what we'll do Mr. Hart
Vlad: Darling, you were magnificent.
Ilsa: when we get together, it's moider
Vlad: Hee
Ilsa: brb
Ilsa: sorry bout that, needed to make a fast call
Vlad: I called a client
Ilsa: what did you call them?
Vlad: Actually, I talked about a client first and called her a giant flaming stupid bitch
Vlad: Then I called a client and told her that her request was a no-go
Ilsa: thank god, you had a chance to vent first. How's your hunt for cat tranquilizers going?
Vlad: I'm just going to crush sleeping pills in their food
Ilsa: excellent but what about for yourself?
Vlad: I'm sure I could score something from the guys upstairs
Ilsa: let me know, I'll come over
Vlad: Isn't today over yet?
Ilsa: hehe, well I'm done with court for the day but have a buttload of work to do here
Vlad: Real work? or house stuff?
Ilsa: real work
Ilsa: Of course I have a ton of housework to do but I have to make a super Target run first
Vlad: I can't relate to the work part at all.
Ilsa: sooooon
Vlad: I need some shaving cream (gel), a four pack of toilet paper, a three pack of sponges...
Ilsa: Ricky is sooo dreamy
Vlad: Ricky?
Ilsa: Martin
Vlad: ahhh. Not Ricky Ricardo?
Ilsa: Well that goes without saying
Vlad: You're just mad because he won't let you be in the show
Ilsa: but I've been practicing all week
Vlad: Face it, you red-headed loser, you suck. And hey Fred and Ethel? You stink, too. Vaudeville, my ass.
Ilsa: I can sing, you're just jealous of my talent.
Vlad: Shut up and drink your Vitameatavegemin
Ilsa: And I can convince people to buy that vile concoction
Vlad: I'm jealous of your slapstick abilities
Ilsa: well. who isn't?
Vlad: People in wheelchairs
Ilsa: let's not be too hasty, they like the yucks too
Vlad: Can you work to make it a crime to listen to your voicemail on speaker phone?
Ilsa: I wish
Vlad: It's so irritating. And fucking rude. Why do people think we want to hear their messages?
Ilsa: They will die soon
Vlad: Not soon enough
Vlad: 2 weeks, 3 days
Ilsa: I have to get back to work
Vlad: Boooooooooooooo
Ilsa: I know, I hate being a grown-up
Vlad: It reeks
Ilsa: Call me when you get home?
Vlad: Sure. Have a groovy day.
Ilsa: k, you too

Vladimir: Hey Sugarplum Fairy
Vladimir: Ignore me, I don't care.
Funkiller: good.
Funkiller: What are you doing butt head?
Vladimir: Talking to an ass face.
Funkiller: Then we are a match made in heaven.
Vladimir: yeah, heaven
Funkiller: Whateva!
Vladimir: what are you doing?
Funkiller: I'm naked and touching myself in a bad way.
Vladimir: What else is new?
Funkiller: how's work?
Vladimir: The usual
Funkiller: God how do you hold that enthusiasm in?
Vladimir: It's hard. It's like I'm wearing a girdle in my head
Funkiller: I'd pay to see that.
Vladimir: then pay you shall
Funkiller: I already have. Every day of my miserable, stinking life.
Vladimir: huh?
Funkiller: You,ve never worked at my job. There are days I just pray for something to fall on me.
Vladimir: I find that with every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
Vladimir: If you find the fun, then zap, the job's a game.
Funkiller: Really confucious. Tell me more.
Vladimir: That was Mary Poppins, actually
Funkiller: A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.......
Vladimir: cuts the cocaine, too
Funkiller: YES IT DOES!
Vladimir: It's a quarter to 10 on a fucking Wednesday morning. Where the fuck is everyone in mortgage office?
Funkiller: They probably are having a meeting about you.
Vladimir: assholes! I knew it
Funkiller: No need to be paranoid. Just because you think everyone is talking about you doesn't mean they aren't.
Vladimir: I don't care if they talk about me, as long as they answer their phones and help me
Funkiller: Help is not what they are about.
Vladimir: Yes, but they can stop money-grubbing for a few minutes
Funkiller: It's really hard when you are in the middle of quashing someone's hopes and dreams.
Vladimir: If anyone should know that, it's us
Vladimir: well, you, mostly
Funkiller: Hell yeah! I'm not depressed for nothing.
Vladimir: I'm too busy and stressed to be depressed
Funkiller: That's okay. I'm depressed enough for the both of us.
Vladimir: try working out. it's supposed to help
Funkiller: Great. So i can be tired and DEPRESSED. Sheer genius!
Vladimir: it might give you energy
Funkiller: And make my ass BOOTYLICIOUS!
Vladimir: see? upside
Funkiller: True. Then I can be manic and blow lots of money and have tons of unprotected sex.
Vladimir: Um. Ok
Funkiller: Well at least until the voices tell me to kill again.
Vladimir: I have a fruit salad for lunch
Funkiller: Really? Homemade or store bought?
Vladimir: store bought
Funkiller: That's lovely. I just bought some cherries and pineaplle at the store.
Vladimir: good for you
Vladimir: I see cherries are on sale at pick n save
Funkiller: What else is new?
Vladimir: I think Banquet frozen dinners are on sale 10 for $10
Funkiller: I bought the cherries from picknsave and saved 9.62 on them. When I first printed the tag it said 14.62 cents I almost had a stroke.
Vladimir: I heart cherries
Funkiller: I still can't believe they are normally 5.99 a pound. That makes me cry.
Vladimir: A failed coup makes me cry
Funkiller: I know how you feel.
Vladimir: bloodless coups make me cry, also
Funkiller: What's the point of having a coup unless it's bloody?
Vladimir: I hear that
Funkiller: Just think. I could take over some little country in the third world and have my own little "Banana Republic".
Vladimir: Too bad you're name's not Mary
Funkiller: Why?
Vladimir: Bloody Mary
Funkiller: Very nice.
Vladimir: thanks
Funkiller: South Pacific?
Vladimir: I suppose Killer Kelly
Funkiller: Any name would be fine. Just as long as I could satisfy my meglomanical bloodlust.
Vladimir: Funkiller still rocks
Funkiller: I am the Funkiller.
Vladimir: Oh, I know
Funkiller: What's that supposed to mean? Am i not the bringer of joy and jocularity?
Vladimir: Actually, as the Funkiller, you bring the exact opposite
Funkiller: Just seeing if you were paying attention.
Vladimir: Darkness and wailing of teeth follow where ever you shall go
Funkiller: Sing it sistah, sing it.
Vladimir: I don't sing
Funkiller: Sorry!
Vladimir: Don't be sorry, just be contrite
Funkiller: I'll try my best.
Vladimir: contriter!
Funkiller: SORRY! "sniff" "sniff"
Vladimir: eh, totally fake, but I'm too tired to argue
Funkiller: I'm hitting my self with the cat'o'nine tails right now. Is that good enough?
Vladimir: Oh, please, you do that every day
Funkiller: Yes, but i'm doing it harder.
Vladimir: heh, dirty
Funkiller: Thank you.
Vladimir: sure
Funkiller: I'm not keeping you from anything important am i?
Vladimir: Oh please
Funkiller: how's mommy and the ugly brood? is she in yet?
Vladimir: she's here
Funkiller: Give her the finger for me. I dare you.
Vladimir: I just did
Funkiller: Schweet!
Funkiller: I'm giving her he finger too!
Funkiller: How's her ugly child?
Vladimir: still ugly
Vladimir: and cross-eyed
Funkiller: Great. An ambulance just went by. Another old one in the neighborhood bit it.
Funkiller: I swear this is the Florida of the midwest.
Funkiller: It's where old people go to die.
Vladimir: It's the armpit of the midwest
Funkiller: No. More like a damp, moldy sock.
Vladimir: It's the taint of the midwest
Funkiller: That's more like it!
Vladimir: up for a block party?
Funkiller: When?
Vladimir: duh, Saturday. Remember?
Funkiller: Oh, i forgot.
Vladimir: You suck
Funkiller: not as often as i should
Vladimir: true
Vladimir: but, then again, who does?
Funkiller: so little time to do the things you really want to.
Vladimir: I know. Work gets in the way
Funkiller: No. My pimp gets in the way.
Vladimir: I need to tinkle
Funkiller: I need to sleep.
Vladimir: ok. bye bye
Funkiller: bye

Mr Yakamura: Yesterday was Lesbo night at the laundromat
Funkiller: Really? Which laundromat?
Mr Yakamura: Mine
Mr Yakamura: the one I go to all the time
Funkiller: The one on brady street?
Mr Yakamura: Yes
Funkiller: No shit!
Mr Yakamura: I don't mean officially, I just mean lots of the womyn were there.
Funkiller: The sistahs washing their flannel thongs.
Mr Yakamura: I tried not to look. I was usually distracted by the inapropriate wife beaters they were wearing sans bras.
Funkiller: Yippee! Nipplefest.
Mr Yakamura: vomit fest
Funkiller: Your just mad because you weren't wearing your silky wifebeater and panties.
Mr Yakamura: how do you know I wasn't?
Mr Yakamura: Dear Crate & Barrel, sell your goddam dishes in sets, you assholes.
Funkiller: Good question.
Funkiller: They do. In sets of one.
Mr Yakamura: That, by definition, is not a set
Funkiller: according to them it is.
Mr Yakamura: I'm thinking of doing my new house Asian. Stark white with black and lacquer red accents.
Funkiller: I thought maybe you would do it in Spongebob Nautical.
Mr Yakamura: Umm, no
Mr Yakamura: that's for the boudoir
Funkiller: Weeeeeeeeee!
Mr Yakamura: Or the powder room
Funkiller: Weee Weee!
Mr Yakamura: I probably will have to buy a new shower curtain.
Funkiller: I would imagine so.
Mr Yakamura: I'll buy something carribean to go with my towels
Mr Yakamura: I might even buy a new bathmat as the one I own is saturated with kitty hair
Funkiller: There is a happy image.
Funkiller: Better hair than piss.
Mr Yakamura: True. Someone barfed up a hair ball yesterday
Funkiller: You have all the luck.
Mr Yakamura: I saved it for you
Funkiller: Yeah! I'll make an ornament for christmas.
Mr Yakamura: That would be awesome
Mr Yakamura: I'll never have a Christmas tree again.
Funkiller: Why?
Mr Yakamura: Are you volunteering to stand guard 24 hours a day to keep the cats out of it?
Funkiller: That's half the fun. Nothing like tinsel in the litter box.
Funkiller: Or trailing out of someone's hind quarters.
Mr Yakamura: I'm more worried about the tree falling over constantly and all of the ornaments breaking
Mr Yakamura: I don't use tinsel, anyway.
Funkiller: You call ME the funkiller.
Mr Yakamura: That was a title bestowed upon you by the many villagers whose hopes you dashed
Funkiller: We all have a calling in life. That one is mine.
Mr Yakamura: I am Guido, the Perpetually Confused
Funkiller: confused by what?
Mr Yakamura: Everything and everybody
Mr Yakamura: What's a standard dinner service? 4, 6 or 8?
Funkiller: eight
Mr Yakamura: Just individual plates and bowls comes to $71.20 of these dishes I like
Mr Yakamura: fucking crate & barrel
Funkiller: what's the deal about the dishes? what's so special about them?
Mr Yakamura: green crackle finish
Mr Yakamura: They are wicked cool
Funkiller: oooh! me likey.
Mr Yakamura: But I'm not paying that much
Mr Yakamura: heh, I can't belive it's on again. You better work, bitch!
Funkiller: well you will have to steal them then.
Mr Yakamura: way ahead of you
Mr Yakamura: meet me at C&B at noon. You create a diversion and slip the dishes in my briefcase
Funkiller: where is it at?
Mr Yakamura: Hwy 100
Funkiller: where?
Mr Yakamura: I don't know
Mr Yakamura: It's a big building with Crate & Barrel written on it
Mr Yakamura: but that's not important now
Mr Yakamura: and don't call me Shirley
Funkiller: nice.
Mr Yakamura: Thanks, I am the Supermodel of the world
Funkiller: gracious.
Mr Yakamura: I'm going to get a fruit salad for lunch
Funkiller: tasty.
Mr Yakamura: and healthy
Funkiller: yes.
Mr Yakamura: I heard a funny descriptor for 'gay' yesterday.
Funkiller: yes?
Mr Yakamura: Partly queer with an 80 percent chance of fag. I thought of Don.
Funkiller: truth in advertising.
Funkiller: i thought don was " really gay"?
Mr Yakamura: Excuse me - Out and VERY gay, thank you very much, missy
Funkiller: i stand corrected.
Mr Yakamura: I totally want a bowl sink for the bathroom
Funkiller: theyb have awsome ones at lowes
Mr Yakamura: Great, I'll put you down for one bowl sink
Funkiller: great. i'll put it on layaway for year.
Mr Yakamura: I thought there was a handyman service made up of old, retired guys?
Funkiller: i have to get some sleep, sweetness.
Mr Yakamura: so? go. who's stopping you?
Funkiller: bye

Vladimir: What can you do in 10 seconds?
Princess Tofu: make an omelet.
Vladimir: That's amazing! All I can do is start chopping onions in that amount of time.
Princess Tofu: but wait, there's more.
Vladimir: Ohhh. Ahhhh.
Princess Tofu: Hard cheese! No problem! Why cut the cheese when you can grate it.
Vladimir: Is that the real reason you bought the Magic Bullet?
Princess Tofu: Exactly!
Vladimir: I thought it was because it was the ultimate party machine
Princess Tofu: I forgot about that!
Vladimir: Mmmm, zesty salsa
Princess Tofu: Or guacamole!
Vladimir: I'm going to do an internet search for tiny onions
Princess Tofu: There probably is a special grower of baby vegetables.
Vladimir: Just for the Magic Bullet
Princess Tofu: No doubt.
Vladimir: All ready for an afternoon/evening of fun and hijinks?
Princess Tofu: I'm working on it. Im doing my nails right now.
Vladimir: well, move it
Princess Tofu: Listen bitch!
Vladimir: Why do you automatically have to go to the bitch place? Why, whore?
Princess Tofu: Whateva playa!
Vladimir: I'm cleaning and doing some pre-packing
Princess Tofu: Delightful! There's plenty more where that came from
Vladimir: I hope not too much more.
Princess Tofu: Just start tossing shit you don't want into the basement. No one will ever notice.
Vladimir: I want most of my stuff
Vladimir: I got rid of a lot last move. All my outdoor stuff, flags, etc
Princess Tofu: Oh how sad! Flags gone!
Vladimir: Yep
Princess Tofu: I'm crying little tears.
Vladimir: Why?
Princess Tofu: I miss them so. How will I know what season it is?
Vladimir: I always thought succubi couldn't cry. Unless Satan commanded it, of course.
Vladimir: I'll buy you a kitty calendar with the seasons on it.
Princess Tofu: Bless you sir.
Vladimir: Maybe we can do seasons cut outs with construction paper and make our own calendars...
Vladimir: right now it's summer, so we could make a sun
Vladimir: or maybe a beach scene
Princess Tofu: lovely
Vladimir: for fall we could make fall foliage or hand turkeys
Princess Tofu: I want to work in felt and glitter.
Vladimir: That's probably more of a Christmas medium
Princess Tofu: They are my muse. Or maybe noodles.
Vladimir: Wheee, noodles
Vladimir: spaghetti, mastacholi, ziti
Vladimir: ditalini
Vladimir: rosa marina
Princess Tofu: We can paint them in different colors and make flowers. I 've had great success with that.
Vladimir: orzo
Vladimir: I prefer pipe cleaners and tissue paper
Vladimir: or animal innards
Princess Tofu: now you are talking.
Princess Tofu: brb
Princess Tofu: hello.
Vladimir: yes?
Princess Tofu: I had to take care of something.
Vladimir: good for you
Princess Tofu: I am proud. My pullups felt cool so I had to go.
Vladimir: 3 weeks, two days
Princess Tofu: I'm starting to get excited.
Vladimir: I'm just thrilled to leave this shit hole house and neighborhood.
Princess Tofu: I bet.
Vladimir: I think when I move, I'm asking the troll for my security deposit back as well as $50 for every month I've lived here with that hole in the kitchen that he promised he'd fix within two weeks.
Princess Tofu: Yes you should.
Vladimir: That's $550
Princess Tofu: Schweet!
Vladimir: that's two brand-new water heaters
Princess Tofu: Amen.
Vladimir: Or a washer
Princess Tofu: Or a massage chair.
Vladimir: Or a cut-rate hooker for a night
Vladimir: or a that fake fireplace I've had my eye on
Princess Tofu: Jeez for that kind of money you could have a gaggle of cheap hookers.
Vladimir: I thought it was a brace of hookers?
Vladimir: Can't be a pride
Princess Tofu: maybe a stain of hookers?
Vladimir: Mmm, now I'm in the mood for one
Princess Tofu: whateva
Vladimir: I want to get an electric fireplace with a mantle. They make smaller size ones for living rooms.
Vladimir: Or maybe a gas one.
Princess Tofu: where were you looking?
Vladimir: all over. online
Vladimir: there are some really cool styles
Vladimir: and a smaller sized one isn't that expensive
Princess Tofu: What are we talking?
Vladimir: $400 - $500 ish
Princess Tofu: not bad.
Vladimir: Then I get a bearskin run, and I'm in business
Princess Tofu: Picture taking?
Vladimir: Greco-Roman wrestling
Princess Tofu: Oiled up?
Vladimir: With a fireplace, I could get a picture taken for personalized Christmas cards...
Princess Tofu: Nekked?
Vladimir: I'd wear clothes for any Christmas photo
Princess Tofu: Y
Vladimir: I'd wear a thong made from a baby Jesus from a Nativity Scene
Princess Tofu: Mazel tov!
Vladimir: Or just make sure at least one of the wise men's heads was junk-high
Princess Tofu: A small or large wiseman?
Vladimir: Caspar would work
Vladimir: Melchior has a small head
Princess Tofu: He has the really big hat doesn't he?
Vladimir: as long as it's not spiky
Princess Tofu: OOOOOOOHHH! Eyes off my junk!
Vladimir: I wouldn't even bother asking Balthazar, he's such a little bitch.
Princess Tofu: That's what I hear.
Vladimir: I hear the other two kept trying to ditch him, but that damn star led him right to them every time.
Princess Tofu: You could hold up a sheep, but, that gives an entirely different message.
Vladimir: depends on which way it's facing, I guess
Princess Tofu: Whatever covers the junk.
Vladimir: I'm totally emailing this chat session to the local Catholic dioscese
Princess Tofu: They'll think it's a good idea.
Vladimir: until they find out I'm not 12
Princess Tofu: Your not very tall. It may fool them. But the facial hair may be a problem.
Vladimir: I should shave my head again
Princess Tofu: go for it!
Vladimir: After you
Princess Tofu: oky dokey. I'll leave one tuft right in the middle.
Vladimir: So, you all ready to go over there?
Princess Tofu: where?
Vladimir: there. there wolf. there castle.
Princess Tofu: funny!
Vladimir: I meant are you ready to come over here?
Princess Tofu: I haven't taken my shower yet I have been chatting with you dumbass.
Vladimir: Well, I didn't make you log on. Go, go, go

Vladimir: I am NOT listening to the Village People sing YMCA. And how dare you suggest such a thing?
Ilsa: I was going to suggest Supermodel
Vladimir: Supermodel of the World? By RuPaul?
Ilsa: yup
Vladimir: I actually own that album. It's in a box somewhere. It kinda sucks.
Ilsa: yeah but the single is fun
Vladimir: I'm listening to Puffy AmiYumi, actually
Ilsa: I am not familiar
Vladimir: Hello! Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi
Vladimir: Theme song to Teen Titans?
Ilsa: I know that most of those words are English but I don't understand any of them
Vladimir: Two Japanese teen girls. They are Puffy AmiYumi. Their cartoon show is Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi and they sing the theme song to Teen Titans.
Ilsa: oh my lord. brb
Ilsa: what are you listening to now?
Vladimir: Barbie Girl
Ilsa: fun
Vladimir: I know
Vladimir: C'mon Barbie, let's go party!
Vladimir: My neck is killing me. I need a massage. Or I could soak my head in a vat of BenGay
Ilsa: I think massage is the way to go
Vladimir: I have to try and schedule one for tonight
Ilsa: you can get in that quickly?
Vladimir: Probably not. GUESS WHAT JUST CAME ON??
Ilsa: what?
Vladimir: Supermodel
Vladimir: remix
Ilsa: nooooooo
Vladimir: that's freaky
Ilsa: I know
Vladimir: work it, girl!
Ilsa: make love to the camera
Vladimir: I always do
Ilsa: I hope you get paid
Vladimir: You better work, bitch
Ilsa: Can I tell you how much I love my air conditioning
Vladimir: Sure, go ahead. Can I tell you how heinous this remake of Heart's "alone" is?
Vladimir: Not that the original wasn't vomit inducing on its own.
Ilsa: OMG, who remade it?
Ilsa: and why?
Vladimir: Kim Sozzi. No one I've ever heard of
Ilsa: that is truly a gay-ass song
Vladimir: I heartily concur
Ilsa: is it over?
Vladimir: Ugh, we've moved on to Cher
Ilsa: Sorry but I do happen to like the Cher. Wait, which song?
Vladimir: I switched it. Now it's KLF
Ilsa: Oh, I like them but I really do like some Cher songs
Vladimir: You can have her
Ilsa: that's harsh
Vladimir: Check out the new opening flash animation over at Retardulon.com
Ilsa: k, brb

Vlad: Admit it, that automatic litter box looks cool.
Ilsa: it does
Vlad: My worry would be the size. It doesn't look like it would hold enough for two cats, even if you set it to clean every 24 hours.
Ilsa: yeah, seems as if this technology is in the early stage. We'll have to hold out for a bigger one
Vlad: Yes, because at $300, I wouldn't be buying two of them
Ilsa: and there is that, the price tag
Vlad: I'd also worry about odor. Regular granules of cat litter usually contain some kind of odor control when the cats scratch. This stuff is just plastic beads. You'd think stuff would just lie in there and smell until it was cleaned.
Ilsa: yeah, another good reason to wait
Vlad: I really want the Litter Robot. Or a maid.
Ilsa: I vote for maid. I'm really going to become a life coach
Vlad: Me too. "Get off your ass and do things."
Vlad: "Move it, you little pansy!"
Ilsa: quit your crying
Vlad: 3 weeks, six days.
Ilsa: party
Vlad: Wanna hear the plan? Too bad...
Vlad: I close on August 1.
Vlad: I will spend that week packing up the non-essentials that are still laying around.
Ilsa: so, everything has been repaired?
Vlad: It will be
Ilsa: okay.
Vlad: Then on Saturday, August 5, I rent a van from UHaul
Vlad: I move the boxes myself. Kitchen crap, books, clothes, misc bullshit. Everything but the big pieces.
Vlad: Then, at some point during the next week, I will hire Mike's brother to come in and move the big furniture one afternoon. I'm taking all of the second week off of August.
Vlad: That will bleed into Friday, where I have to be at Arab World Fest all weekend and I've taken the following Monday off to recuperate.
Ilsa: busy guy. Well, like I said if you need help unpacking or painting, let me know
Vlad: I'm not going to paint. Maybe in the Fall if there's something that disgusts me, but I'll wait awhile. There's other stuff I will probably want to do first.
Ilsa: I see, well, I'll chat w/you later. I have to get back to work but I'm staying online because I'm downloading an ipod update and it apparently takes an hour
Vlad: That's fine. I'll read my magazine.
Ilsa: hehe