Vlad Yakamura: Hey sugar-tush
Princess Tofu: hello honeybuns
Vlad Yakamura: What's new?
Princess Tofu: Nothing much. Grandma had surgery on friday
Vlad Yakamura: Well, who didn't?
Vlad Yakamura: it was National Surgery Day
Princess Tofu: She had a rod and a pin put in her leg
Vlad Yakamura: She sounds like a jalopy
Princess Tofu: well no, but she can't go through any metal detector without causing a huge problem
Vlad Yakamura: They can rebuild her. Stronger, faster. She's the $600 Octegenarian
Princess Tofu: More or less. Now she can kick ass and really mean it
Vlad Yakamura: Does she make the little 'dun nuh nuh' noise?
Princess Tofu: She always made that noise, and moved in really slow motion. I think that's called really old.
Vlad Yakamura: They're remaking that show
Princess Tofu: Now she has a heart problem they just discovered.
Princess Tofu: What show?
Vlad Yakamura: Bionic Woman
Princess Tofu: Shut the fuck up!
Vlad Yakamura: I will not
Princess Tofu: With who?
Vlad Yakamura: Not decided yet
Vlad Yakamura: NBC is developing
Princess Tofu: Oh that's sad
Vlad Yakamura: There is also a Wonder Woman movie in the works
Princess Tofu: Oh jesus no!
Vlad Yakamura: He's not involved in it
Princess Tofu: Haven't we mined the funnies for enough movies. God forbid they should come up with an original idea. I can't wait for the Mary Worth movie.
Vlad Yakamura: Only if she turns out to be a psychopath
Vlad Yakamura: I bought a new showerhead
Vlad Yakamura: It's HUGE. Feels like it's raining on you
Princess Tofu: And that makes you think of mary worth?
Vlad Yakamura: Yes
Princess Tofu: Kinky
Vlad Yakamura: and Rex Morgan, M.D.
Princess Tofu: Mmmmmmmmm
Vlad Yakamura: So smart, so chisled, so two-dimensional
Princess Tofu: That's how i like my men
Vlad Yakamura: I thought you liked them with moustaches and hairy chests
Princess Tofu: Did you hear about the israeli envoy who was arrested drunk and in bondage gear?
Vlad Yakamura: Yes, actually, I did
Vlad Yakamura: They thought he was missing
Princess Tofu: What a way to go
Princess Tofu: Obviously he was missing nothing
Princess Tofu: He seemed to find exactly what he was looking for
Vlad Yakamura: Grrrrwwwwl
Princess Tofu: a good spanking
Princess Tofu: and a little nipple play
Vlad Yakamura: Sounds like Thursdays at my place
Princess Tofu: Weeeeeeeeeee!
Vlad Yakamura: Speaking of that, I have to buy new curtains
Princess Tofu: I'd love to hear how he explaind that
Princess Tofu: why don't we go and buy some?
Vlad Yakamura: Because then I'll have to install them. I was waiting on better weather so I can throw those god-awful blinds out back by the garbage pick up
Princess Tofu: Too bad you don't have a burn pit
Vlad Yakamura: as far as you know, no
Princess Tofu: Sweet! You little serial killer you
Vlad Yakamura: I'm working on a project in the basement. Bring some lotion with you on Saturday, ok?
Princess Tofu: Hah! I'd like to see you dig a pit
Princess Tofu: Besides, you can't even sew on a button
Princess Tofu: Much less make a human suit
Vlad Yakamura: I just want to spray you with the hose
Princess Tofu: Okay, which hose?????
Vlad Yakamura: I have two sitting by my back door
Princess Tofu: Is that a double entendre
Vlad Yakamura: No, but thanks for being gross
Princess Tofu: I do my best
Vlad Yakamura: that's what makes it so scary
Vlad Yakamura: what's for dinner tonight?
Princess Tofu: Who the hell knows? I've been going to the hospital every night, so it's kind of hit-or-miss.
Vlad Yakamura: I'm making bratwurst
Princess Tofu: From scratch?
Vlad Yakamura: Yes. Killing the turkey, plucking it, grinding it, shoving it in those little casings
Princess Tofu: How many neighbor kids does it take to make a batch?
Vlad Yakamura: The kids in my neighborhood are too fatty
Vlad Yakamura: and stupid
Princess Tofu: Yes but that keeps the sausage moist.
Vlad Yakamura: So does beer basting
Princess Tofu: oh, now you're talking!
Vlad Yakamura: I don't have any beer
Vlad Yakamura: I have wine, but I don't think that would work the same
Princess Tofu: How do you know? It could be very French.
Vlad Yakamura: Oui
Princess Tofu: You could make a lovely cassoulet
Vlad Yakamura: Is that where I take sweet potatoes and pears and cook them up in a casserole dish?
Princess Tofu: no. You use potatoes and root veggies and combine with some awful cut of meat and add wine and cook the shit out of it for 12 hours. Voila!
Vlad Yakamura: Oh, I was thinking of a soufflé
Princess Tofu: Ole
Vlad Yakamura: Semi-Homemade, of course
Princess Tofu: Of course!
Vlad Yakamura: I'm going to Target after work
Princess Tofu: What for?
Vlad Yakamura: Cat litter mostly
Princess Tofu: And 10,000 other things you don't need!
Vlad Yakamura: I need cat litter
Vlad Yakamura: I don't think I'll look at much else
Princess Tofu: You'll be lured in by the siren's song and pretty lights.
Vlad Yakamura: maybe I'll buy a "Magically Delicious" shirt
Princess Tofu: sweet
Vlad Yakamura: It is that time of year
Princess Tofu: Gosh and begorah!
Vlad Yakamura: Maybe I'll see if they have lawn stuff yet. I'll need new chairs this year
Vlad Yakamura: and I have to decide about my garden(s)
Princess Tofu: Maybe I'll dress up like a leprechan on saturday?
Vlad Yakamura: Isn't that what you're usually dressed as?
Princess Tofu: Ha ha! Asshole
Vlad Yakamura: Thanks. I rock.
Princess Tofu: whatever
Vlad Yakamura: Wear some plaid or green on Saturday
Princess Tofu: I'll see what I have
Vlad Yakamura: I'll dye the cats
Princess Tofu: Shouldn't you be leaving now?
Vlad Yakamura: Soon
Princess Tofu: Not soon enough I imagine
Vlad Yakamura: Oh yeah
Princess Tofu: What kind of lawn furniture would fit into your low rent neighborhood. Something inflatible and Nascar?
Vlad Yakamura: Oooh, burn
Vlad Yakamura: I just need some regular lawn chairs
Vlad Yakamura: for porch sitting
Princess Tofu: You don't want to offend their delicate sensibilities.
Vlad Yakamura: That house across the street was bought by Mexicans, by the way
Princess Tofu: How about the front bench seet from a buick
Vlad Yakamura: Well, some brown hispanics, anyway
Vlad Yakamura: I don't know that they're Mexican
Princess Tofu: Ole, I can hear tejano music all summer long
Vlad Yakamura: The house two doors down from me has a sign up
Princess Tofu: Let's see how long the white flight will take now that they moved in.
Vlad Yakamura: We're quite an integrated neighborhood
Vlad Yakamura: white, brown, black, stupid. we've got them all
Princess Tofu: I can't imagine the hillbillies across the street fromyou would be thrilled
Vlad Yakamura: Let's see if I get a Klan invite in my mailbox
Princess Tofu: I bet they are planning cross burnings as we speak
Vlad Yakamura: I love a good fire
Princess Tofu: Who doesn't?
Vlad Yakamura: People made of straw
Princess Tofu: Especially when I get to start it
Vlad Yakamura: Arson is the new black
Princess Tofu: Amen Brother!
Vlad Yakamura: well, I'm going to tinkle and then I'll be running for the hills
Princess Tofu: Run, Forest, run!
Vlad Yakamura: Whatever, crazy lady. Talk to you later.
Princess Tofu: bye

Princess Tofu: Thanks for the newsletter you asshole.
Vlad Yakamura: What?
Princess Tofu: The Duke and The Doctor Newletter!!!!!!!
Vlad Yakamura: I honestly have no idea what you are talking about
Princess Tofu: Really?
Vlad Yakamura: Yes, what is the duke and the doctor?
Princess Tofu: The colon cleanse cuties
Vlad Yakamura: Oh, them
Vlad Yakamura: Yeah, that was probably me
Princess Tofu: I'm sure it was
Vlad Yakamura: Unless your mother is concerned about the length and girth of your turds
Princess Tofu: She doesn't have internet access
Vlad Yakamura: So you're saying if she did have access, she'd care? Do you post pics of them on the web?
Princess Tofu: no?
Vlad Yakamura: is that a question? I was asking you
Princess Tofu: I don't know?
Vlad Yakamura: Me neither?
Princess Tofu: Oh crap! she must be going to the library again!
Vlad Yakamura: Damn the public library system
Princess Tofu: Too much knowledge is a dangerous thing for old people.
Vlad Yakamura: and minorities
Vlad Yakamura: and the poor
Princess Tofu: damn the poor!
Vlad Yakamura: Let them eat cake
Vlad Yakamura: Oooh, carrot cake with cream cheese frosting
Vlad Yakamura: I could go for some of that
Princess Tofu: I'm still going on the chocolate cake thing.
Vlad Yakamura: I had brownies last week
Princess Tofu: Bitch.
Vlad Yakamura: They were soooo good.
Princess Tofu: Whatever
Vlad Yakamura: Orange zest and orange juice in the batter
Vlad Yakamura: Yummmmmmmmm
Princess Tofu: How come you never make me orange zest brownies?
Vlad Yakamura: Well since that was the first time I'd made them, it would have been hard for me to have made them for anyone before
Vlad Yakamura: And also I've made my spicy brownies several times for you before
Princess Tofu: Oooooh Spicy brownies!
Vlad Yakamura: Cayene pepper. Chipoltle chili powder. Chipotle peanuts
Princess Tofu: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Princess Tofu: How'd your meeting go?
Vlad Yakamura: All my meetings are wonderful
Princess Tofu: All?
Vlad Yakamura: I may be lying
Princess Tofu: Really?!?
Vlad Yakamura: I know - shocker
Vlad Yakamura: Oh, the other reason I'm not jonesing on chocolate is that one of my clients sent me this huge box of different Hershey's candy
Princess Tofu: Oh god! How wonderful. It's like a dream come true.
Vlad Yakamura: A tin of chocolate covered pretzels, a box of caramel pecan things, a gigantic Hershey bar and a big box filled with kisses and mini Hershey bars
Princess Tofu: What did you do to deserve that?
Vlad Yakamura: I am an amazing developer with excellent client relationships
Princess Tofu: You are a kissass.
Vlad Yakamura: No, I just know my shit, baby
Princess Tofu: Whatever
Vlad Yakamura: What's new with you, butterbuns?
Princess Tofu: Nothing much. What you got going on homey
Vlad Yakamura: Just work. It's been a long week and I'm glad it's Friday
Vlad Yakamura: we have a consultant in who I want to run over with my car
Princess Tofu: I could do it for you. Just send a picture and consider it done.
Vlad Yakamura: He's leaving today and driving back home, so you'd have to wait in the parking lot today to see if he goes out for lunch.
Princess Tofu: I'm easy
Vlad Yakamura: Don't I know it
Princess Tofu: And half of the midwest
Vlad Yakamura: and so many of our brave men and women in the armed forces
Princess Tofu: I do it for my country
Vlad Yakamura: Don't we all
Princess Tofu: Yes indeed.'
Vlad Yakamura: I'm already hungry
Princess Tofu: You just got to work
Vlad Yakamura: Didn't eat breakfast
Vlad Yakamura: Just ran out the door
Princess Tofu: Try getting up earlier
Vlad Yakamura: I'm also confused. I'm the only one in my group here right now
Vlad Yakamura: Oh, and try biting me
Princess Tofu: You are the only one there? Maybe that's why you got chocolate. You actually work. Or maybe there is a meeting talking about you.
Vlad Yakamura: That's fine as long as they leave me alone
Princess Tofu: Maybe they are planning to usurp your mystical power.
Vlad Yakamura: Lend me the Droning Sword that I may smite them
Princess Tofu: And eat your brain to gain knowledge.
Vlad Yakamura: I keep my mystical powers in my spleen
Vlad Yakamura: knowledge in the liver
Princess Tofu: Won't they be surprised.
Princess Tofu: If you want some smiting done let me.
Vlad Yakamura: Ok
Princess Tofu: I like to smote,
Princess Tofu: and wear a helmet with horns
Vlad Yakamura: I still enjoy my spear and magic helmet
Princess Tofu: And so you should.
Princess Tofu: "Kill the wabbit....."
Vlad Yakamura: Thanks, Elmer
Princess Tofu: Your welcome
Princess Tofu: Damn. Now I'm hungry.
Vlad Yakamura: Cinna-stackers at IHOP
Princess Tofu: Never had them. I'm not really sure if I
Princess Tofu: really would like them
Princess Tofu: Although......Pancakes would be good.
Princess Tofu: Mmmmmmmmm, pancakes.
Vlad Yakamura: I heart pancakes
Vlad Yakamura: and sausage
Vlad Yakamura: and scrambled eggs
Vlad Yakamura: Oooh, hashbrowns
Princess Tofu: Oh, crispy hashbrowns.
Princess Tofu: This is starting to sound like "anorexic porn"
Vlad Yakamura: Fat porn
Princess Tofu: either way
Vlad Yakamura: I could totally leave right now and head to a diner for breakfast
Princess Tofu: Who would notice. There's nobody there.
Vlad Yakamura: There is now
Princess Tofu: damn. so close to freedom to be thwarted.
Vlad Yakamura: I hear ya
Princess Tofu: brb
Princess Tofu: hello
Vlad Yakamura: goodbye
Vlad Yakamura: Look, we're the Beatles
Princess Tofu: yeah! I want to be the rich one.
Princess Tofu: Who isn't dead
Vlad Yakamura: Well, I don't want to be Paul. I'll be Ringo
Vlad Yakamura: You can be married to FakeLeg
Princess Tofu: Now wonder he was smoking a lot of weed. That must have been one hell of a first date.
Vlad Yakamura: I had no idea she was a hooker
Princess Tofu: If you ask him, she was.
Princess Tofu: It was "unpretty"woman
Vlad Yakamura: Instead of jewelry, he takes her leg shopping
Princess Tofu: Something lovely made of ivory
Vlad Yakamura: whalebone
Princess Tofu: With scrimshaw on it.
Vlad Yakamura: and a secret compartment for opium
Princess Tofu: But of course.
Princess Tofu: Doesn't everyone have the pirate fantasy?
Vlad Yakamura: Aye
Princess Tofu: Arrrrrrrrrgh!
Vlad Yakamura: I had such a hard time falling asleep last night
Princess Tofu: Why?
Vlad Yakamura: No idea
Princess Tofu: Maybe you should see a doctor about that.
Vlad Yakamura: or just take a sleeping pill next time
Vlad Yakamura: or some opium
Princess Tofu: Oh, I'm onboard with the opium
Vlad Yakamura: that's because you grow your own poppies
Princess Tofu: what's wrong with be self-sufficient?
Princess Tofu: It's not like i'm trying to get you to "BUY MY POPPIES".
Vlad Yakamura: I just got my girl scout cookies. be sure and take a box home with you, tomorrow
Princess Tofu: what kind?
Vlad Yakamura: Thin Mints and Peanut Butter Sandwiches
Princess Tofu: What, no lemonades?
Vlad Yakamura: Did I say Lemonades?
Princess Tofu: i guess not. sorry
Vlad Yakamura: You can take a sleeve of the Thin Mints from the freezer
Princess Tofu: Thank you.
Vlad Yakamura: Or a container of soup
Princess Tofu: Oh soup! What did you make?
Vlad Yakamura: I have corn chower in there
Vlad Yakamura: and some chicken noodle
Princess Tofu: Corn chowder!!!!!!!!
Vlad Yakamura: Yes, but I made a mistake in the recipe
Vlad Yakamura: When you reheat it, you have to add milk
Princess Tofu: Little thick?
Vlad Yakamura: No, just missing that chowdery element
Vlad Yakamura: I ate a bowl of it sans milk before I realized it was missing
Vlad Yakamura: It's just a very thick corn soup. The milk makes it extra creamy
Princess Tofu: Just like porrige
Vlad Yakamura: It was juuuust right.
Princess Tofu: Lovely.
Vlad Yakamura: But some blonde bitch kept trying to get in
Princess Tofu: Figures.
Princess Tofu: Is your border upstairs gone?
Vlad Yakamura: Yep
Vlad Yakamura: Heh, my boarder. I feel like an old widow-woman on Little House
Vlad Yakamura: Yes, I take in boarders now that my Johnathan has passed
Princess Tofu: You look like an old widow woman.
Vlad Yakamura: Fair enough. Coming from a teamster, I mean
Princess Tofu: Jealous
Vlad Yakamura: Sure
Princess Tofu: It's not easy being butch
Vlad Yakamura: Butch? I was referring to the stubble
Princess Tofu: Fuck you.
Vlad Yakamura: Oooh, hostile
Vlad Yakamura: gonna go on strike?
Princess Tofu: Eat me Nancy.
Vlad Yakamura: I still have 1 1/2 hours before lunch
Princess Tofu: Seems like an eternity doesn't it.
Princess Tofu: I can eat lunch right now! Hah!
Vlad Yakamura: I could, too, but I like to split the day up
Princess Tofu: that's nice
Vlad Yakamura: I want to go to Barnes & Noble, too
Princess Tofu: Okay. bye