House O'Chipmunk: did you get my message last night?
Surly Acres: The one about you being addicted to Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies?
House O'Chipmunk: no, that there's a chipmunk loose in my house
Surly Acres: What are those lazy cats of yours doing about it?
House O'Chipmunk: chasing it around
Surly Acres: My cats wouldn't let that vermin stay alive
House O'Chipmunk: mini isn't much bigger and it's even faster than her and Skittles is a scardy-cat
Surly Acres: What a bunch of losers
Surly Acres: i got that mole on my face scraped off first thing this morning
House O'Chipmunk: thank god, oh I mean, good.
Surly Acres: now I'll never be a teen model
House O'Chipmunk: but I heard that a certain Tyra Banks has a show that you might have a chance on
Surly Acres: please, i'm not that ugly
House O'Chipmunk: hehe
Surly Acres: I smell like burning flesh
House O'Chipmunk: Awesome. Is there a big red mark on your face?
Surly Acres: Just a band-aid
House O'Chipmunk: Did you tell everyone that you were in a knife fight?
Surly Acres: not yet
Surly Acres: all wounds should be kept covered and not allowed to 'air dry'
House O'Chipmunk: I see
House O'Chipmunk: what are you doing for lunch today?
Surly Acres: no clue
Surly Acres: probably nothing
House O'Chipmunk: I am doing billing right now
Surly Acres: Sounds like a barrel of monkeys
House O'Chipmunk: well, it keeps me in this chipmunk infested home
Surly Acres: At least Surly Acres is currently rodent-free
Surly Acres: Fuck, I have to get my Eid and Diwali cards out
House O'Chipmunk: I wasn't going to say anything
Surly Acres: I guess I have to go to the post office for lunch
House O'Chipmunk: unusual
Surly Acres: I need stamps to send my cards
Surly Acres: those cards ain't gonna mail themselves, you know what I'm saying?
House O'Chipmunk: Perhaps you could some that will?
Surly Acres: maybe they make those kind in your fantasy world, but not here
House O'Chipmunk: you should join me, it's fun
Surly Acres: I'll consider it
House O'Chipmunk: cool, I've got the wand
Surly Acres: If I stay here, I should get one
House O'Chipmunk: it's really best
House O'Chipmunk: I'm going to sign off now
Surly Acres: great. have fun doing it
House O'Chipmunk: k

Dr. McWhore: Hello Beautiful!
Vladimir Yakamura: Wow, someone woke up on the right side of an upper this morning
Dr. McWhore: It's better living through chemistry
Vladimir Yakamura: I guess it is
Dr. McWhore: What you up to?
Vladimir Yakamura: Crusing for boys. I want to reenact some of the scenes from that lovely advertisement I found on my lawn.
Vladimir Yakamura: "He's no longer a man, but a girl-boy"
Vladimir Yakamura: Oh, the shame
Dr. McWhore: Fantastic! Everybody's gotta have goals.
Vladimir Yakamura: We're you still looking for a tea kettle?
Vladimir Yakamura: "we're"?
Vladimir Yakamura: what the fuck was that? It's "were you looking"
Dr. McWhore: Whaaat the hell? Yes i am.
Vladimir Yakamura: What would you say to a stainless steel one in a bullet shape with a whistling device?
Dr. McWhore: Yeah!
Vladimir Yakamura: It was on my stove and I forgot
Dr. McWhore: Okay and where did you get it from?
Vladimir Yakamura: The same place as my paisley cookie jar
Dr. McWhore: ??????
Vladimir Yakamura: It's a store with many departments. Let's, for sake of the argument, call it a department store
Dr. McWhore: Okay, I'm with you so far
Vladimir Yakamura: Great!
Vladimir Yakamura: So, what are you doing?
Dr. McWhore: Talking to you. what are you doing?
Vladimir Yakamura: talking to you, too. weird~
Dr. McWhore: I checked the weather report for the week this morning. It's supposed to be in the 50's the whole week in the U.P. . Oh, and it;s supposed to rain every day!
Vladimir Yakamura: My prayers worked
Dr. McWhore: So did mine with the "house fire" episode. Wait to you see what's coming next.
Vladimir Yakamura: Eh, i'm numb
Dr. McWhore: Can you say, "Fire Ants"?
Vladimir Yakamura: In the fall? I don't think so
Dr. McWhore: Not when you have them shipped in!;)
Vladimir Yakamura: They'd die in the cold
Vladimir Yakamura: bring it on, bitch
Dr. McWhore: The best is yet to come. I'm testing your endurance for tragic things that just seem to happen to you. My brother Pat used to call them "Golden Days".
Vladimir Yakamura: Whatever. Surly Acres rebukes you
Dr. McWhore: I say "Feh" to Surly Acres!
Vladimir Yakamura: Surly Acres'd kick your ass in a bar fight
Dr. McWhore: Not against the "Blackhole of Joylessness". My house is ass kickin in a fight.
Vladimir Yakamura: Ok, whatever. That got dumb. I'm thinking of running out and buying a bird feeder. And maybe checking out the new Target. I have to find a Steins garden and get some agent orange, too
Dr. McWhore: There is a steins right up hwy 100 at beloit .
Vladimir Yakamura: well, there you go
Vladimir Yakamura: It truly is a wonderland of a neighborhood
Dr. McWhore: It is a king of paradise, isn't it?
Vladimir Yakamura: More like a Duke or Court Jester
Vladimir Yakamura: scullery maid?
Dr. McWhore: Or a cousin twice removed.
Dr. McWhore: With a wandering eye and a limp.
Vladimir Yakamura: Yes, one of the horse-faced ones that we don't invite to reunions
Vladimir Yakamura: One who may or may not have been secretly responsible for a series of streetwalkers' deaths in Victorian London
Vladimir Yakamura: Or was that Edwardian?
Dr. McWhore: With a raging case of the Syph.
Vladimir Yakamura: It's the disease of psychotics. I think it's the eating away at the cerebral cortex that does it.
Dr. McWhore: I'm no scientist, but, I'm guessing that's it.
Vladimir Yakamura: I thought you were a scientist
Dr. McWhore: Okay, you caught me. I wonder if it is mandatory to get the Syph if you are Psychotic?
Vladimir Yakamura: Depends on what year you were talking about. I figured you were a scientist. Otherwise, why have I been calling you Dr. Bitchface McWhore this whole time?
Dr. McWhore: Wow! That was personal
Dr. McWhore: That 's only for when we are alone.
Vladimir Yakamura: If that's true, then why did you use that as the title for your last spoken-word album?
Dr. McWhore: no comment
Vladimir Yakamura: Paging Dr. McWhore. Please come to the sassy ward, stat!
Dr. McWhore: It's a tribute to my Scottish roots.
Vladimir Yakamura: Wouldn't that have MacWhore? Dr. Cheaply MacWhore?
Dr. McWhore: No. MC or Mac is acceptable.
Vladimir Yakamura: Who really cares about any of those drunk countries, anyway?
Dr. McWhore: Surly Acres is growing on you.
Dr. McWhore: You are an incredible bitch.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm choosing to ignore that. That's the power that Surly Acres gives me. The power to ignore assholes.
Dr. McWhore: Whatever!
Vladimir Yakamura: Is there a goddam packers game on today?
Dr. McWhore: I'm not sure. But that should make target your own personal wonderland if there is one.
Vladimir Yakamura: If there is, I might zip out to Cedarburg
Dr. McWhore: Going for wine?
Dr. McWhore: Or boys
Vladimir Yakamura: And the hot pepper store
Dr. McWhore: What hot pepper store?
Vladimir Yakamura: do they have a boy store in Cedarburg
Vladimir Yakamura: Can i get one to mow the lawn
Dr. McWhore: In shorts?
Vladimir Yakamura: it's kind of chilly for that, but whatever floats his boat. as long as the lawn gets done
Dr. McWhore: Where is the hot pepper store?
Vladimir Yakamura: used to be in the mall
Vladimir Yakamura: they sell hot sauce and tabasco merch
Dr. McWhore: God it's been years since i have been there.
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, you're a loser
Vladimir Yakamura: do you work tonight?
Dr. McWhore: Hell no! I have to get my rest. I'm driving first.
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, we could zip out there. It only takes 20 minutes
Vladimir Yakamura: ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiip
Dr. McWhore: I'm not even showered or dressed. Let's hit it next saturday together.
Vladimir Yakamura: well, i was thinking today, my little creampuff, it wouldn't be busy if there was a packer game. I think saturday's at the mall are heinous
Dr. McWhore: I'll buy lunch!!!!?!!
Vladimir Yakamura: how fucking long does it take you to shower? just rinse off and put on a hat
Vladimir Yakamura: no one's is entering us in any best dressed competitions
Dr. McWhore: I'm getting all my shit together for vacation a-hole. Just go and we can go again next saturday.
Vladimir Yakamura: Whatever. I'm trying to be nice and spontaneous. It would have taken no time at all and you could have been back and doing whatever by 2 or 3pm. But, no
Dr. McWhore: I can't. I was supposed to have my shit over there yesterday and instead went by you. My mom stayed up til 1AM waiting for me. I got a bitchy call this morning.
Vladimir Yakamura: Eh, tell your fucking mother to blow it out her ass
Dr. McWhore: She's paying for my lodging and food. I'll wait until after vacation.
Vladimir Yakamura: Tell your fucking mother you're a grown woman and will do whatever the hell you want without listening to her whiny bullshit
Dr. McWhore: I don't need her to be a howler monkey for the next five days, thank you.
Vladimir Yakamura: Eh, push her down some stairs.
Dr. McWhore: In her chair. Wouldn't that be dramatic!
Vladimir Yakamura: Push her down a big hill
Dr. McWhore: Tell you what, i can load up my car with all my stuff and just go from your house to hers when we get back.
Vladimir Yakamura: No, I don't want to cause tension in the keith household. I will probably run a bunch of errands and then head out to C'burg
Dr. McWhore: Okay. Can we still make a day of it next saturday?
Vladimir Yakamura: Sure, I'm easy
Dr. McWhore: I think that would be rather enjoyable even though i'll be with you.
Vladimir Yakamura: Surly Acres Ignoring Power - Activate!
Dr. McWhore: Maybe we can find a nice place with soup for lunch?
Vladimir Yakamura: soup is good food
Dr. McWhore: I love soup.
Vladimir Yakamura: soup and bread
Dr. McWhore: Yeeeeeesssssssss!
Vladimir Yakamura: and cheese
Dr. McWhore: not so much
Vladimir Yakamura: i loves me some cheese
Dr. McWhore: And cheese loves you!
Vladimir Yakamura: in a very special way, yes
Dr. McWhore: I don't want to know.
Dr. McWhore: Go do your errands and enjoy the day.
Vladimir Yakamura: bye McWhore
Dr. McWhore: That's Physical Therapy to you!

Vladimir Yakamura: What's big, white and boxy and does a ton of laundry?
Princess Tofu: Your house boy?
Vladimir Yakamura: No, my new Russian maid, Svetlana
Vladimir Yakamura: or...my brand new washing machine!
Princess Tofu: When did they deliver it?
Vladimir Yakamura: Well, they didn't. I'm scheduled tomorrow between the convenient hours of 2 and 6pm
Princess Tofu: Or between 3 am and midnight.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm sure something will be amiss with the whole process
Vladimir Yakamura: they will deliver it but won't bring it in the house or something
Princess Tofu: I wish I could be there to see the look on their faces when they see the stairs!
Vladimir Yakamura: The stairs are fine, it's the landing that gives me the heebie jeebies
Princess Tofu: Yeah, but you don't have to take it down there as far as we know.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm told they will take it down and install it, but won't bring the other one upstairs
Princess Tofu: Have you called the junk guy yet?
Vladimir Yakamura: nope. not until the upstairs is done
Princess Tofu: How's that going by the way?
Vladimir Yakamura: he's coming on thurs
Princess Tofu: Or so he says........
Princess Tofu: I hope you are not betting the farm on that!
Vladimir Yakamura: eh, we'll see
Princess Tofu: If he doesn't come I can curse him for you.
Vladimir Yakamura: i'm at the point of not caring anymore
Princess Tofu: Oh, that's not the little man i've always known. Where's mr positive?
Vladimir Yakamura: Up yours, that's where!
Princess Tofu: That's more like it!
Vladimir Yakamura: Heh. I made some really good empanadas yesterday
Princess Tofu: With your handy little plastic empanada makers?
Vladimir Yakamura: You bet your ass, sister
Princess Tofu: What did you put in them?
Vladimir Yakamura: I just browned onions, ground turkey, penzey's taco seasoning, chili powder, cumin and oregano. then added a can of diced tomatoes and cooked it down.
Princess Tofu: OOOOOOOOOO! That sounds good!
Vladimir Yakamura: It was. baked them with a whisper of olive oil on the top
Princess Tofu: Didn't you use an "Egg wash"?
Vladimir Yakamura: not this time, Sandy
Vladimir Yakamura: but I did use top shelf booze
Princess Tofu: Amen!
Princess Tofu: I'd love to see the budget for that show. I bet she's on the christmas card list of every liquor distibutor around the world.
Vladimir Yakamura: each show's food budget is like 100 bucks and the booze budget is like 500
Princess Tofu: I doubt the food budget is that much.
Vladimir Yakamura: heh
Vladimir Yakamura: how much is koolwhip?
Princess Tofu: Generic is like 1.29
Vladimir Yakamura: she uses the real thing
Princess Tofu: 1,69
Vladimir Yakamura: heh
Princess Tofu: 79 cents for pudding. 50 dollars for plastic bags.
Vladimir Yakamura: her extract budget must be huge, too
Princess Tofu: I bet she's on their christmas list too!
ought the extract out of the closet into the respectable mainstream of cooking.
Vladimir Yakamura: well, out of the closet, anyway
Princess Tofu: I know why too; alchohol! Extracts have alchohol!
Vladimir Yakamura: So does Nyquil.
Vladimir Yakamura: speaking of coming out of the closet, you know what would be fun? Soliciting teenage boys on our work computers and then blaming the boys.
Princess Tofu: Isn't that just sweet. It's funny how that is becoming a very republican problem.
Vladimir Yakamura: Talk radio is condeming it as a witch hunt. And the White Houses' press secretary referred to the emails as 'naughty'
Princess Tofu: Did you hear about his instant messages? they were rife with getting naked.
Vladimir Yakamura: I know! talking about beating off and getting lucky. He apparently met one of the boys once. No word on if they did the nasty, but still
Princess Tofu: Not "Nasty", it's "Naughty".
Vladimir Yakamura: "I'm solicitng underage kids, I'm naughty, tee hee"
Princess Tofu: The part i like the most is this is not the first time. He got the finger wagging a couple of years ago and the speaker of the house knew it.
Vladimir Yakamura: Charming, isn't it? The party of traditional values.
Princess Tofu: Gay marriage will send our country to hell, but soliciting kids......
Vladimir Yakamura: Hey, it's cool. All the creepy old men are doing it. It's natural. just like in Greece back in the day.
Princess Tofu: You know I would take democratic bribe taking over pedophilia any day.
Vladimir Yakamura: Yes, and of course talk radio wants us to believe that Clinton schtupping another adult is the same thing as a Senator soliciting kids on company computers.
Princess Tofu: Maybe the Republican convention is going to be sponsored by NAMBLA.
Vladimir Yakamura: It's a great tie-in
Vladimir Yakamura: I smell a grass-roots movement!
Princess Tofu: Here's a joke,
Princess Tofu: Damn! lost my train of thought!
Vladimir Yakamura: choo choo
Vladimir Yakamura: Muffins?
Vladimir Yakamura: Donkeys?
Vladimir Yakamura: Ming Vases?
Vladimir Yakamura: Holly Hunter
Princess Tofu: How about the convention slogan,"it's all greek to me"
Vladimir Yakamura: That rocks!
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm seeing a Toga party
Vladimir Yakamura: "no underpants allowed"
Vladimir Yakamura: "or chicks"
Princess Tofu: How Spartacus!
Vladimir Yakamura: I love you, Spartacus! Vote for me!
Princess Tofu: Schweet!
Vladimir Yakamura: What else is new?
Princess Tofu: Nothing much. My mouth herpies, i mean sore is healing up.
Vladimir Yakamura: Fun
Vladimir Yakamura: I just processed a bunch of red peppers and put them in the freezer
Princess Tofu: Soon i'll be able to open bottles with my teeth again.
Vladimir Yakamura: that would ruin your stage act, won't it?
Princess Tofu: hell yeah!
Vladimir Yakamura: I suppose you still have the ping pong balls
Princess Tofu: Ah the balls!
Vladimir Yakamura: On Saturday, ask me about the 'breast tenderness' story
Vladimir Yakamura: Make a note of it
Princess Tofu: Now you have my attention. Tell me now!
Vladimir Yakamura: No, it's funnier in person. It's involved
Princess Tofu: Can't wait
Vladimir Yakamura: You will also have to admire my new blood pressure monitor
Princess Tofu: You had your doctor visit!
Vladimir Yakamura: Yeah
Princess Tofu: Sounds like it went well.
Vladimir Yakamura: it was fine. A real swell time. They're going to CT my remaining adrenal gland
Princess Tofu: Oh crap! Their not taking that one out too? You'll never be able to run in case of danger.
Vladimir Yakamura: They just want to look at it. Lord knows why
Princess Tofu: You aren't having problems again are you?
Vladimir Yakamura: No, they are just nosy.
Princess Tofu: Tell them to fuck off.
Vladimir Yakamura: I should. Bastards
Vladimir Yakamura: as if I have CT money to throw around
Princess Tofu: Their just milking your insurance for needless tests.
Vladimir Yakamura: it's the american way
Princess Tofu: They should "candle" you like an egg.
Vladimir Yakamura: I'll suggest that
Vladimir Yakamura: I have to go heat up some dinner
Princess Tofu: Me too
Vladimir Yakamura: Yum
Vladimir Yakamura: I'm having a humble repast of soup and a crust of bread
Princess Tofu: I'm having a tuna salad sandwich.
Vladimir Yakamura: Pickles?
Princess Tofu: no
Vladimir Yakamura: I like a little dill pickle chopped up in mine
Princess Tofu: This is from the store, not homemade.
Vladimir Yakamura: you know what little pickles remind me of?
Princess Tofu: No!
Vladimir Yakamura: small cucumbers
Princess Tofu: ?
Vladimir Yakamura: pickles are made from cucumbers
Princess Tofu: I get that.
Princess Tofu: I thought there was a joke
Vladimir Yakamura: Not really
Princess Tofu: What a letdown.
Princess Tofu: Go eat so you can keep up your strength.
Vladimir Yakamura: Thanks. See you later
Princess Tofu: Bye Honey!