Vlad Yakamura: Hey sweetcheeks
Princess Tofu: hello
Vlad Yakamura: What's new?
Princess Tofu: i bet it was easier for the ottoman turks to take over europe than it is to get into Yahoo mail
Vlad Yakamura: Um, ok
Princess Tofu: bastards
Vlad Yakamura: I never have any problems with it
Vlad Yakamura: I just checked mine (twice)
Princess Tofu: I don't have the screen resolution for beta mail, so I have to go back to the regular mail. Besides, you have a computer, I have webtv
Vlad Yakamura: so, basically if we broke this down:
Vlad Yakamura: vlad = awesome
Vlad Yakamura: Princess Tofu = not awesome
Princess Tofu: or better yet; eat=me
Vlad Yakamura: that's doesn't scan for me
Princess Tofu: whatever mr awsome
Vlad Yakamura: thanks ms spellcheck
Princess Tofu: awesome, fucker!
Vlad Yakamura: Wheeeeeeeee!
Princess Tofu: have your fun at my expense. see if i care!
Vlad Yakamura: I love our chats. they are so entertaining and educational
Princess Tofu: I'm not writing "war and peace". What would you like to hear,Monsier.
Vlad Yakamura: I'd like to hear the bells of St Marys
Princess Tofu: go for it. Why don't you go right now.
Vlad Yakamura: Why don't I drive through the fair glens of Scotland while I'm at it?
Princess Tofu: aye laddie!
Vlad Yakamura: don't tempt me or I will
Princess Tofu: Don't tempt me, or i'll go all "braveheart" on you.
Vlad Yakamura: as long as you go commando under the kilt
Princess Tofu: how else do you wear it?
Vlad Yakamura: with kicky pumps and matching clutch
Princess Tofu: with the little piece thrown over the shoulder, and a really huge broach
Vlad Yakamura: as long as the brooch matches the skeandubh, then it's cool
Princess Tofu: okay,
Vlad Yakamura: I wouldn't want to be the worst dressed on the scottish moors, lass
Princess Tofu: God no, I am husband hunting brigadoon style
Vlad Yakamura: once every 300 years or whatever the time frame was
Princess Tofu: something like that.
Vlad Yakamura: so, what's on the agenda, Heather?
Princess Tofu: actually I have a cousin named Heather, thank you very much! I have a couple of insurance places to call today and it's Grandma Friday!
Vlad Yakamura: I was just trying to think of a Scottish name to call you, Sheena
Princess Tofu: "sugar walls" What a great way to represent!
Vlad Yakamura: Shut up, I love "Strut"
Vlad Yakamura: i'll listen to it right now
Princess Tofu: are you at work or home?
Vlad Yakamura: work
Princess Tofu: you mean "work"
Vlad Yakamura: No, smartyboots, I do not
Princess Tofu: Well, i do!
Vlad Yakamura: I have a folder of 80s tunes on my hard drive
Vlad Yakamura: including Strut
Vlad Yakamura: which I'm jamming to right now
Princess Tofu: You are the luckiest boy in the world!
Vlad Yakamura: My two therapists would probably disagree
Princess Tofu: I wish I had a therapist to bitch at. You are the luckiest boy in the world!
Vlad Yakamura: that's pushing the definitions of several words
Princess Tofu: I think I could keep a therapist busy for a thousand years with all the crap going on in my head.
Vlad Yakamura: I don't doubt that for a minute
Princess Tofu: I want to keep a medical professional up at night wondering where I'm at.
Vlad Yakamura: The police already do that
Princess Tofu: How close i am to his house. How well I've memorized his schedule. If he has any pet rabbits.
Princess Tofu: There's nothing like a boiling pot of rabbit to say I'm home, whether you like it or not.
Vlad Yakamura: I find that a nice coffee cake works, too
Princess Tofu: but it really doesn't get the point across.
Princess Tofu: "I have issues!"
Vlad Yakamura: I think the tshirts that say "I have issues" tells everyone that very thing
Princess Tofu: I don't like labels
Princess Tofu: I like people to find out on their own when it's too late
Vlad Yakamura: I love labels
Vlad Yakamura: especially for files
Princess Tofu: You and all your crazy Martha Stewart organizing talk.
Vlad Yakamura: I bought a new three ring binder for Arab Fest volunteer stuff
Princess Tofu: Is it green
Vlad Yakamura: Blue
Princess Tofu: why not green
Vlad Yakamura: they didn't have a green one with the little plastic film on the front that you could slip a piece of paper into
Vlad Yakamura: you can see it when you come over
Vlad Yakamura: it's quite nice
Princess Tofu: how lovely. You must be swelling with pride.
Vlad Yakamura: or something
Princess Tofu: std?
Vlad Yakamura: yes
Princess Tofu: I'm not surprised you little slut!
Vlad Yakamura: Yeah, well, what can you do?
Princess Tofu: Wear a rubber!
Vlad Yakamura: Wow, such frank talk, Dr Ruth
Princess Tofu: Hey, No glove, no love!
Vlad Yakamura: is that what your tattoo says?
Princess Tofu: No. It's a Yosmite Sam that says "back off"
Princess Tofu: The other one says "This end up"
Vlad Yakamura: Instructions are helpful. You should have one that says Insert tab A into slot B
Princess Tofu: Har Har
Vlad Yakamura: Thanks, I'll be here all week. Tip your waitstaff
Princess Tofu: Don't quit your day job.
Vlad Yakamura: I will if I want to
Princess Tofu: whatever you think is best sweetie!
Vlad Yakamura: thanks
Vlad Yakamura: this weekend is Spring Cleaning II - Revenge of the Dust Bunnies
Princess Tofu: lovely
Vlad Yakamura: It may require another Goodwill trip
Vlad Yakamura: I want to go out to the big one and browse
Princess Tofu: I should get rid of a shitload of clothes.
Vlad Yakamura: Bring 'em over
Princess Tofu: I have to bag them up.
Vlad Yakamura: so, bag them up?
Princess Tofu: okay. You're not the boss of me.
Vlad Yakamura: I didn't say I was
Princess Tofu: i know. I just like saying that
Vlad Yakamura: It was just a friendly suggestion you over-sensitive swamp beaver
Princess Tofu: swamp beaver?
Vlad Yakamura: Yeah, I don't know
Vlad Yakamura: If you want, though, bag up the clothes and bring them
Princess Tofu: i will kitten.
Vlad Yakamura: Grrrrrwwwwllll
Princess Tofu: s-e-x-y! Yum!
Vlad Yakamura: Shouldn't you be sleeping?
Princess Tofu: yes
Vlad Yakamura: Just asking
Princess Tofu: But i need to make insurance calls
Vlad Yakamura: ahh, yes
Princess Tofu: I just had to check my email for quotes and then do some calling
Vlad Yakamura: Phone sex chat?
Princess Tofu: no. But now that you mention it...........
Vlad Yakamura: I hear there's good money to be made
Princess Tofu: I can sound sexy on the phone
Vlad Yakamura: I hope that skill is on your resumé
Princess Tofu: You bet your ass! I was a receptionist.
Vlad Yakamura: Where?
Princess Tofu: Music Disease
Vlad Yakamura: ah
Princess Tofu: Look where that has taken me!
Vlad Yakamura: to dizzying heights
Princess Tofu: and mind numbing lows
Vlad Yakamura: sounds like a typical day for me
Princess Tofu: God i wish my meds would kick in
Vlad Yakamura: we all do
Princess Tofu: nuff said
Vlad Yakamura: I don't know what I'm doing tonight
Vlad Yakamura: probably crying in the dark
Princess Tofu: But i am sure you will look fabulous doing it!
Vlad Yakamura: as always
Princess Tofu: Smoking jacket, cognac, silk crying towel, edith piaf on the cd...........
Vlad Yakamura: Ahh, the Sparrow
Princess Tofu: For some fucking reason i can't make my smilie selection go away. I have a window open that won't close, dammit!
Princess Tofu: Nevermind! A good kick fixed it
Vlad Yakamura: your life sucks
Princess Tofu: You can't begin to know how badly. At least i can still buy a gun online.
Vlad Yakamura: Great!
Princess Tofu: That's what i say!
Vlad Yakamura: I'll be telling the news stations that I always knew you'd snap
Princess Tofu: I want you to cry and really go to town when they interview you.
Vlad Yakamura: I'm just going to say how I lived in mortal fear of you and what a psycho you were
Vlad Yakamura: and of course I'll mention the addiction to hard core bondage porn
Princess Tofu: Oh by the way, the other day their was a huge barn fire in the news. Where were you?
Vlad Yakamura: Where was it?
Princess Tofu: Racine, i think.
Vlad Yakamura: Yeah, I try not to go to Racine
Vlad Yakamura: but if I did, I would want to burn things down
Princess Tofu: Elitist.
Princess Tofu: I have a passion for squalor. Look at my house!
Vlad Yakamura: Is it being elitist if I don't like stupid people?
Princess Tofu: No i guess not.
Vlad Yakamura: there ya go
Vlad Yakamura: I think it's almost lunch time
Princess Tofu: my stomach is telling me it's true
Vlad Yakamura: my gallbladder is thrilled by that
Princess Tofu: You and your gallbladder!
Princess Tofu: Why does everything have to turn to your damn gallbladder! You don't hear my pancreas piping in, do you?
Vlad Yakamura: I thought it quit and moved to Borneo?
Princess Tofu: Left kidney went to borneo!
Princess Tofu: Pancreas bitches like an old person in miami.
Vlad Yakamura: not surprising since it's in an old bitchy person
Princess Tofu: Man, you are hot today!
Vlad Yakamura: I know. I'm on fire!
Princess Tofu: En fuego, Senor!
Vlad Yakamura: Ok, lunch time
Vlad Yakamura: good luck with the phone sex thing
Princess Tofu: thanks honey!
Vlad Yakamura: see ya later!

P. Tofu: Hello Girlfriend!
Guido: girlfriend? uh, no
Guido: I've put up with a lot of bullshit from you, but I draw the line at that
P. Tofu: okay, goodbye
Guido: wow, you run hot and cold, don't you?
P. Tofu: what the hell do you mean
Guido: nothing at all
P. Tofu: I just fucking woke up
Guido: nice language there, princess
P. Tofu: If i offended you I am sorry
Guido: Really? Somehow I doubt that you care that much
P. Tofu: You know what, I am not sure what I did to make you mad, but I am sorry
Guido: anyways...what's new?
P. Tofu: nothing much.
P. Tofu: my neighbors are freaks.
Guido: whose aren't, frankly?
P. Tofu: They were having an argument last night, and the only screamed phrase i could make out was"get out of here I am not going to take my clothes off in front of you!"
Guido: Wow. If I've had that arugment once, I've had it a million times
P. Tofu: Not your mother screaming it at you!
Guido: well...
P. Tofu: shut up
Guido: I'm itching to do some spring cleaning
P. Tofu: I'm just itching
Guido: I'm not. Not since my water heater was installed and I could finally shower
P. Tofu: ah, blissfull warm water cascading all over with your oversize shower head.
Guido: yeah, but now the pressure seems off
P. Tofu: Great. Is it coing out as a trickle
Guido: not quite that bad, but lower than it was before
Guido: did I tell you how much the whole enchilada cost me?
P. Tofu: 75 dollars I believe
Guido: Whoo hoo!
P. Tofu: well at least one thing is cheap
Guido: besides you?
P. Tofu: What other crap can you break that's covered
Guido: dryer, garage door opener
P. Tofu: Have at it!
Guido: stove, refrigerator
Guido: and not just mine, but all the appliances
P. Tofu: I smell a fire coming
Guido: barnfire?
P. Tofu: yes in fact bitch
Guido: man, I'd love to see that
P. Tofu: me too
P. Tofu: maybe we could start one
Guido: i'd like you to see it from the inside
P. Tofu: wow! cranky bitch
Guido: I'm just high spirited
P. Tofu: keep telling yourself that. Everybody else thinks you are crabby
Guido: Like I care about everybody else
P. Tofu: right now all the voices in my head say that
Guido: good for them
Guido: I want to leave
P. Tofu: work, or the country?
Guido: both, actually, but work right now
P. Tofu: god now what's the problem
Guido: I'm on call and for the past two nights and have been woken up at 2am
Guido: I'd like to get some sleep
P. Tofu: You should have been a doctor. At least when they call you at 2 am it's interesting
Guido: I should have played professional hockey
P. Tofu: really!?!
Guido: why not? you get to hit guys with sticks
P. Tofu: I'm with you there, but it also includes ice dancing
Guido: uh, I don't think hockey players dance
Guido: hey, you're not doing anything. run to 749 North 37th Street and get me some blank leases. thanks
P. Tofu: what's there
Guido: Wisconsin Legal Blanks
P. Tofu: 37th and north? ah,no.
Guido: it's actually 37th and Wisconsin, dumbass
P. Tofu: okay that's different
Guido: great, get me a short stack of them
P. Tofu: but I'm still not going
Guido: whore!
P. Tofu: I take offense to that term
Guido: hits too close to home?
P. Tofu: fuck you
Guido: exactly what a whore would say
P. Tofu: No more like fuck you for 5 dollah
Guido: you're a whore from the south?
P. Tofu: Yes. I am a genteel lady of compromised virtue
Guido: actually, if you think about it, 'whore from the south' is kind of redundant
P. Tofu: yes it is. Now virgin from the south would be an oxymoron.
Guido: a hypothetical impossibility
P. Tofu: true enough
Guido: what's on your agenda for the rest of the day?
P. Tofu: It's friday night, Grandma night
Guido: I get to go home and sit there in case the pager goes off
Guido: I'm going to do some cleaning
Guido: I have to get cat food on the way home so I'm not killed and eaten while I sleep
P. Tofu: well, try and pick something that won't kill them
Guido: why?
P. Tofu: i don't know
Guido: maybe I have Munchausen's by Kitty Proxy
P. Tofu: Oh, i smell research grants
Guido: so far, the stuff I feed them hasn't show up on any lists
P. Tofu: I can already see my paper published in the lancet
Guido: and they don't seem to be suffering any ill effects
Guido: it might get published in the Weekly World News if you call it "Attack of the Vampire Cats" and get an artist to do a sketch of what it might look like
P. Tofu: god i would love to write for them. It has to be the best job in the world
P. Tofu: "bacon grease cancer cure"
P. Tofu: "Congress all pod people"
P. Tofu: "is your cat psychic?"
Guido: those are all true stories
P. Tofu: The only one i haven't seen in the wwn is the first one.
Guido: submit it
P. Tofu: Wow, and I won't even have to check my facts. I'll pick some out of the way country like, say....Estonia, and just go from there.
Guido: Poor Estonia, always the one picked on
P. Tofu: It is a great science powerhouse that is unrecognized
Guido: just like Tom Cruise
P. Tofu: Maybe I could use him as the source for my article
P. Tofu: from his mouth to god's ear
Guido: or a source of nutty goodness
P. Tofu: like jif
Guido: Mmmmm, creamy, peanutty Jif
P. Tofu: Yes indeedy do
Guido: I prefer Skippy Natural
P. Tofu: Yuck
Guido: It's good
P. Tofu: and runny
Guido: No it's not
Guido: you've never even had it
P. Tofu: it's like pre-chewing the peanuts and spitting it on the bread
Guido: LIAR
Guido: brb
Guido: Mmmm, cold water
P. Tofu: it took that long to get water?
Guido: No, I peed first
Guido: then I washed my hands
Guido: then I got some ice water
P. Tofu: in the water?
Guido: ho, ho, you are funny.
Guido: except not
P. Tofu: I'm not the one that had the urine collection tray candy dish
Guido: HEY! it's NOT just a urine collection bucket. It's also used for stool collection
P. Tofu: i stand corrected
Guido: Maybe I'll make you watch "Happy Feet"
P. Tofu: The world's most depressing disney movie with snappy tunes
P. Tofu: It's "Schindler's list " for kids with music
Guido: I will not ever be watching it
P. Tofu: I thought you already owned it
Guido: I bought it, yes
Guido: but it's your birthday present
P. Tofu: shut up
Guido: don't tempt me
Guido: You're the one who owns that retarded Pat Boone/Erik Estrada movie
P. Tofu: Yeah, but you bought it
Guido: Oh, so it's all my fault now?
P. Tofu: yes
Guido: wonderful
Guido: now I know how the Jews feel
P. Tofu: oh god, now it's the jews again.
Guido: at least I'm not the one alone in my apartment putting a scrapbook together to document the Zionist conspiracy
P. Tofu: don't have to, someone has already done it
Guido: That wouldn't happen to be Mel Gibson's dad, would it?
P. Tofu: no, but good answer
Guido: Or is it someone with the title of Pontiff?
P. Tofu: no
Guido: I give up
P. Tofu: According to the radio show i listen to it's called "the protocol of the elders of zion" It's supposed to be filled with zionist plans to take over the world
Guido: and why are you listening to that radio show?
P. Tofu: No, It was coast to coast and they were talking to a guy who was a debunker of documents. Someone made that up and used it against the jews, and it keeps showing up now and again
Guido: ahh
Guido: maybe it's a conspiracy to keep the truth from getting out
P. Tofu: I'll bet Hutton gibson has a copy
Guido: in every room in the house
Guido: and one in each car (just in case)
P. Tofu: i bet he gives it out as birthday and christmas presents
Guido: wouldn't you?
P. Tofu: hell yeah!
Guido: I'm getting hungry
P. Tofu: so eat something
Guido: I'll wait until I leave
P. Tofu: then don't bitch about being hungry
Guido: fuck and you
P. Tofu: wow pretty language. so flowery
Guido: Did you know that the song "Safety Dance" was actually "Safe to Dance" but the lead singer couldn't enunciate the words correctly so they changed it to Safey Dance?
Guido: which is why it makes no sense
P. Tofu: what a goober. Where did you hear that?
Guido: the radio
P. Tofu: no shit
Guido: yep
Guido: I'm going to listen to it right now
Guido: that's right, I can dance if I want to. And I will leave my friends behind
P. Tofu: sing it baby, sing it!
Guido: this song kind of blows, but in a cool way
P. Tofu: cool way?
Guido: I don't know. whatever
P. Tofu: don't you whatever me
Guido: I'll do whatever I damn well please
P. Tofu: whatever
Guido: I'm blowing this hot dog stand at 3
P. Tofu: is that okay
Guido: from which perspective?
P. Tofu: theirs i guess
Guido: seeing as how I have been up two nights in a row to fix work problems, what can they say?
P. Tofu: you're right. Tell them all to fuck off
Guido: I'm jamming to the remix of One NIght in Bangkok
P. Tofu: i'm sorry
Guido: don't be sorry, just shake your groove thing
Guido: sorry, groove thang
P. Tofu: i'm doing it right now
Guido: whoo! Posh Spice
P. Tofu: what?
Guido: In my ears. singing
P. Tofu: okay
P. Tofu: is it all the spice girls
Guido: nope
Guido: just Victoria
Guido: from her solo album
P. Tofu: she had one?
Guido: maybe. I don't really know
P. Tofu: I think of her as tom cruise's future wife
Guido: i don't really waste much time thinking about either of them
P. Tofu: me neither
Guido: I don't see an album, maybe it was just a single
P. Tofu: god willing
Guido: I doubt any god cares, really
Guido: or demi-god, for that matter
P. Tofu: not even l ron hubbard
Guido: did I ever play you Gay Boyfriend?
P. Tofu: i don't think so
Guido: your loss
P. Tofu: iguess
Guido: I know!
P. Tofu: it's 2:59. shouldn't you be grabbing your shit and sprinting out the door
Guido: nah. I'm comfy listening to music and chatting
Guido: getting some reporting done for time tracking
P. Tofu: i thought you were leaving at 3
Guido: Yeah, I'll go at some point
Guido: just want to make sure nothing blows up when I do
P. Tofu: no matter what you do, it will anyway.
Guido: so the giant head says
P. Tofu: you work for the giant head?
Guido: I was referring to you
P. Tofu: asshole
Guido: how rude
P. Tofu: thank you
Guido: donate something for the Arab Fest kick off party silent auction
P. Tofu: what the hell could i donate?
Guido: your 'services'
P. Tofu: Ooooh, interesting
Guido: see? it just takes some imagination
P. Tofu: I guess you are right mr rogers
Guido: I should strangle you with my cardigan
P. Tofu: stop it or i will beat you with your tennies
Guido: I'll stick Lady Elaine up your ass
Guido: AND Prince Tuesday
P. Tofu: I counter with a chef brocket counter punch
Guido: who?
P. Tofu: God, you don't know the kings cook?
Guido: nope
P. Tofu: how sad
Guido: yeah, I'm weeping into my champagne cocktail over here
P. Tofu: He was always whipping up fancy vittles
Guido: I'll take your word on that
P. Tofu: whatever
Guido: Serious - no clue what you're talking about
P. Tofu: i guess i watched a lot more of mr rogers than I should of
Guido: I was proud that I pulled the Lady Elaine and Prince Tuesday out of the reccesses of my brain
Guido: Whoo! Paris Hilton
P. Tofu: lovely. which song
Guido: Screwed
P. Tofu: how appropriate
Guido: It's so fucking catchy
P. Tofu: I've actually never heard it
Guido: most of it makes you want to claw your eardrums out, but the chorus is great
P. Tofu: whats the chorus
Guido: it's not about the words, but the singing
P. Tofu: fine. i'll take your word for it
Guido: remind me on Saturday
Guido: I'll play it for ya
P. Tofu: okay.
P. Tofu: Imagine what that std riddled whore is going to be like when she
P. Tofu: is 40
Guido: she isn't yet?
P. Tofu: maybe it's the botox and chemical peels
Guido: or the whoring
P. Tofu: I bet the public has seen her privates more often then her doctor
Guido: gross. I haven't
P. Tofu: you must be the only one
P. Tofu: so you don't own a copyof "a night in paris"?
Guido: nope
P. Tofu: It's a great gift for the holidays
Guido: I'm sure it is
Guido: just like herpes
P. Tofu: it's the gift that keeps on giving
Guido: so I've heard
P. Tofu: from who?
Guido: must i make a joke about your mother now?
Guido: Hey, bad news for you, by the way...
Guido: The CDC says the major antibiotics used to treat gonorrhea are no longer effective
P. Tofu: damn
P. Tofu: guess i'll have to go back to kerosene
Guido: good luck with that
P. Tofu: hey kerosene used to be a cureall at the turn of the century
Guido: so was cocaine
Guido: and arsenic
P. Tofu: I rest my case
Guido: you rest your case? Ok, Perry Mason
P. Tofu: up yours
Guido: and on that note...
Guido: I'm going to blog this chat and hit the bricks
Guido: I need to stay ahead of Johnny Law
P. Tofu: fabulous. God Speed!
Guido: Thank you, my sister
P. Tofu: Amen my brother.
Guido: see you later!
P. Tofu: bye